Yes, I'm completely addicted

I've not always had this addiction. In fact until I was about 20 was the first time I ever really desired it. It was something I never even thought about. Even though everyone around me was doing it. I didn't want to be a part of it. I felt comfortable enough in my own skin that I didn't need that extra boost. In fact it wasn't until I lost all my self-esteem that it ever occured to me to do it. I thought that it would make me feel better about being me. I thought it could be my secret. But, everyone knew. They could see it in my eyes, on my face, in my smile even my hands. When I first started using it was awkward. I was embarrassed because I didn't know what I'd gotten myself into. I experimented with many different kinds of it and ways of using it. Finally, I had it down. I could do it at home or someone elses home even in the bathrooms at restaurants, bars, clubs or wherever. I was finally an expert user and that led to an extremly good feeling of being okay with myself. That then led to the addiction. I could never leave my house without using it. I didn't want to be around people unless I was under the influence of the thing that made me feel better about me. But it was a false sense of self-esteem. It was something I used to hide myself with because I thought it made people want me more. Want to be with me or even think I was cool. Now with my 33rd birthday crouching behind me I am okay without it. I still spend way to much money on it. Especially when I'm really sad. It still gives me that little lift of happiness, but, I'm okay without it. I can leave the house without it and not worry about being judged. Make-up, Salon treatments (Hair coloring, waxing, manicures etc....), and Corrective lenses that can change the color of my naturally very green eyes. I still go on major spluges, like just yesterday I spent nearly $500 on make-up. Some was for my daughter who only uses light amounts of lip gloss, once in a while some eye shimmer and hand/body lotions. Yes, I know that is still excessive. But I was sitting here crying my heart out (weird expression that I've never understand but still use) because my husband has been gone since Sunday afternoon and my boys are with Grandma. It's just me and my daughter and with her busy schedule and homework and such I'm basically alone. It hurts. I don't have anyone to talk to or spend my time with because they all are healthy, have jobs and activities to fill up their lives. I've been struggling with accountants and am scared to death because I feel like I can't make any decisions, appointments or even what to eat for dinner without Shanon. When he first left I thought my daughter and I would have a fun bonding time, go out to dinner every night, maybe to the movies or even watching Gilmore Girls (a program she worships as I worship Buffy) at home. She's so busy she couldn't even do that. She made sure I DVR'd it so she/we could watch it later. I don't think that later will ever come. She's so worried about her GPA and what schools she'll be able to get into that she's walking a tightrope that will have her falling into a major nervous breakdown. It's just a matter of time. I try to talk to her, help her by letting her know I love her but, even those small often one sided conversations take away from her homework time. I don't know what to do. I never thought that we could be so far apart. Even though she is just in the bedroom directly above me she might as well be in China for all the time we've spent together. I know it's only been three days but I honestly feel like I've been alone for months. Two more days until he gets back but it'll be so late Thursday night it really won't be until Friday morning that we'll have any capacity for any connection. When we first were together I would never let him see me without makup or in jeans, unless they were super sexy. It was out of complete insecurity. As if he saw the true me he would leave and never come back. It took a long time to realize the true me had nothing to do with what I looked like. The first time he saw me without make-up, was when he stopped by unannounced at my apartment. It was only a month or so of knowing each other. I hadn't even showered that day. He wanted to see me and go for a ride to a comic book shop to buy something. At least I think it was a comic book shop but that's not the point. I was mortified when I answered the door. He didn't even seem to notice. I realized the damage was done and he was ready to go and I could either run and hide and not go or just get in his car sans make-up, hair style and shower. I chose the latter. I didn't say anything about how uncomfortable I felt and when he dropped me off he even kissed me. It was as if he had no idea how ugly I thought I looked and he still liked me! I still regretted that he had to see me like that, I think I was even wearing my glasses, and just hoped and prayed that he wanted to keep seeing me. I put that out of my mind and never again let him see me like that until about the time we moved in together. I think about a year or so of seeing each other. Even then I tried as much as I could to not ever be "made up". Before we moved in together I would bring a small overnight bag and after sex or before he woke up in the morning I would go and "fix" myself up as if I always looked pretty. I am pretty sure he didn't even notice or care. Yes even writing this it seems utterly shallow almost like all I worried about was how I looked for him. What it really comes down to is that I was so insecure and scared of being alone that I would do just about anything to make sure I wouldn never be alone again. Now, with my illness and physical limitations, make-up and hair do's are not what they used to be. I buy things to make me feel better and some times never even use it. I get my hair done because it feels good but I know that I don't need to do these things to be loved by Shanon. I have a much better sense of self being than I ever have in my life. I know I'm inexplicably depressed or manic most days but my self esteem is a thousand times greater than when I first was with Shanon over 10 years ago. I still have some issues with my outward body look but it doesn't prevent my doing whatever I want. I suppose I may never be 100% happy with my the way I look. It's just not stopping me from living. I have so much more doing that for me. At least I can now take comfort in the fact that I know my husband loves me. And I love him. We are both deeply in love with each other and yes I can speak for him not only because he told me he does but because I feel the love he emits forth with his every word, movement and being. Make up or not he loves me. And I love you Shanon. Love, Jami Love... We think about it, sing about it, dream about it, lose sleep worrying about it. When we don't have it, we search for it; when we discover it, we don't know what to do with it; when we have it, we fear losing it. It is the constant source of pleasure and pain. But we can't predict which it will be from one moment to the next. It is a short word, easy to spell, difficult to define, impossible to live without. -M.W.

I guess I shouldn't be such a whiny bitch...

Sorry to those of you that I hurt by this.

I just got so frustrated when my plan to achieve daily goals and add some structure to my life failed.

It's only been a couple of days. I guess I was just being dramatic. No I don't have a plan, just thoughts.

And, although I'm not enjoying life right now, I don't want to be dead. I'm debating on whether or not to file criminal charges against two men who have assaulted me in the past. I'm not sure if there is a time limit. I also don't want these men thinking I'm just trying to get revenge. One of them used being in a drunken blackout as an excuse so he doesn't even really remember.

I'm looking out for me. I can't keep having these hallucinations and dreams about being physically attacked and abused. Part of me thinks if they would apologize I would get better. But that will never happen. If there is another option I hope I find it before I get the police involved.

I just don't think anyone understands how bad these thoughts scare and hurt me. They make me feel like a whore. Which may or may not be true. I know I have a couple of friends. I just don't want them to have to put up with my shit so maybe it's better to not have any.

No more late at night ramblings. I'll take my meds early from now on. I just wanted to be awake when my daughter came home from competition in Yakima. She arrived at 2:30am so since I didn't take my meds I was having some extra freaky thoughts last night that at the moment make no sense to me.

I do love so much. I don't want anyone to hurt.

Jami

Happy thoughts

Why didn't my husband record er while I was "away"?

I know it's so stupid but it stresses me out so much to not know what is happening on er right now. I missed two episodes while I was detained. I just want to know what happened. Does anyone know where I can find the scripts for the last two episodes? I'm watching "lost in america" right now and am frustrated.

My daughter isn't home yet from her drill competition and I'm losing my mind.

She loves me so much and I feel horrible. I do love her. I love her to death literally. I wish I were dead. I tried. I really tried hard. I get up at normal hours. I structure activities and daily goals.

None of it matters. I don't matter at all. I make no difference in the world. Nobody will miss me and it doesn't matter. I'm not supposed to care what people think. so, then, why don't I just fucking off myself? Guilt? Not really. i'm just a big fucking loser. I can't even figure out how to die properly.

My mother gave me a big lecture today or I guess yesterday about how "wonderful" and "amazing " my husband is. Like I don't fucking know. I do know and hearing her tell me makes me want to die even more. I don't like depending on all these people. I've scared away or pissed away all my friends.

Anyone and everyone that's ever meant something to me. Nobody calls, cares or believes in me. And why should they? I don't give a shit about myself. I truly want to die. Maybe tonight, tomorrow, next week who knows. I don't care anymore.

I'm a fucking filthy whore. Pick a meaning and it fits me.

I'm done. Done with this blogging. Done with trying and caring so much about those I loved and letting them use and abuse me in anyway possible.

The more I care the more I hurt.

I would say I love you all but I can't even say that about myself.

all apologies,

Jami

hey, shanon, maybe if you just stick me on a plane for a couple of days I'll feel different. Might be worth a try. but there I go again. Depending on you to help heal me. Sometimes I want to get better and being in a state where the weather forcast isn't ice pallets and thunderstorms or snow and downpour would help. I don't want to be bad. I don't have the interest. I want to be dead or find a way to not want to be dead.

Better find one quick

POST PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITALIZATION STRESS

Well, 12 days being an inpatient at a psych hospital wouldn't have been my first choice of vacations but I guess I'll take what I can get.

I left AMA (Against Medical Advice) on Monday because I was feeling super ill and wanted my own bed. I know their job isn't to cure me but to put me on a path that will hopefully lead that way.

I knew it was time to leave when I realized I was the veteran in the ward. I had been there longer than anyone else. That's when people started asking for my number and giving me unwanted advice. The patients not the employees. And basically I thought it was interfering with my health.

I am going to miss being awakened by a nurse with a handful of meds to start my day. I'm really spacey so it's going to be hard to keep me from staying in bed all day.

Everyone is supposed to leave with treatment and relapse goals and mine were to continue to wake up at 7 or 7:30 and find activities to do that will keep me busy during the day that I'm physically capable of doing. My goals are to:

1. Spend a set time to be/play with each of my children
2. Read books (I'm so behind and remembered how much I love to read while doing so at the hospital)
3. Write (lists, diaries, blogs, songs, poetry etc...
4. Work on all the paperwork that I've been putting off
5. Keep track and pay bills and budget for them
6. Paint
7. Do bead work which I started doing in the hospital
8. Get my photo printer set up
9. Take pictures every day. So I can start scrapbooking.
10. Go to a public place either once or twice a month and increase as my anxiety subsides.
11.Make lists and stick to them

Anyway, that's what I've got so far. I also want to go see my first nephew ever. My brother just had a baby and he was a premie so now tht he's home I want to see the little bugger. I can't believe he's so healthy and weighed only 4 lbs at birth! That is less than half the size of my youngest son.

I miss my friend and her baby and all my online friends as well.

I know I need to work on being out in public but also not to push myself to where I have a breakdown. I want a drink so badly! I know I shouldn't have any but maybe just a half of one. I just miss the taste of good libations.

I wish the best for everyone but I've learned that I really need to focus on getting well and not trying to "rescue" or assist anyone with their problems. Whether it be emotional, financial or just giving advice. It's not my place and I think I've finally realized that. It took long enough!

We're having some financial difficulties at the moment which is a big stressor for me. I miss having enough money left over to do spend on myself even though it was frivolous. No more spending on anything I don't absolutely need. That's really hard for me but I need to start being a more responsible parent. I also need ot save money to go on vacations.

My daughter really wants to plan a trip for just the two of us. She doesn't know about my fear of the outside. Meaning public. So it will be a while but I promised. She wants to start looking at different colleges both in and out of state. She also wants a relaxing in the sun type of vacation like Hawaii or Mexico or even Southern California.

I might choose to spend my writing time here or on a diary so I may post often or rarely depending on how things go.

I have so much love for so many people that it hurts my heart. I can't explain it. You may get it or not. But, I just don't know the words to describe how I feel right now.

I'm far from being well but instead of having sucidal plans I have fleeting suicidal thoughts. Hopefully ones that will dissappear with time.

I have my crisis plan ready to use in case of relapse and that's comforting. I have to see a bunch of doctors and still attend the partial hospitalization group for a while.

But, for once, I have a feeling of hope. I know the people that surround me will tell me if I seem like I'm falling back down into a really bad depression. Maybe I just trust too much but I'm pretty sure the few people that care about me will confront me if they are concerned. I know my husband will for sure.

Best of everything to you all,

Jami

Love... We think about it, sing about it, dream about it, lose sleep worrying about it. When we don't have it, we search for it; when we discover it, we don't know what to do with it; when we have it, we fear losing it. It is the constant source of pleasure and pain. But we can't predict which it will be from one moment to the next. It is a short word, easy to spell, difficult to define, impossible to live without.

- M.W.

Started group last week and I'm scared.

I can't stop crying since I went Thursday. It was terrifying, more than I expected.

There's a big confidentiality promise that makes me unable to talk about anything particular that happened. I keep debating whether or not I should be checked in to the hospital. Just from my memory I don't think my body could handle it. The beds sucked, room mates either snored, or walked in their sleep or cried. As did I most of the time.

I'm too scared to go back to group tomorrow and in too much pain.

I started painting a canvas this week. It pretty much sucks. My daughter saw me in bed working on it and was so happy. She said how proud she was of me and how she's going to get me a bunch of paper and charcoal and lots of canvas so I won't stop. I know it should have made me feel good but it didn't. It just made me realize how she understands that I'm ill. I don't want her to know how sick I am.

I'm also afraid of running into people at the hospital. I might talk to the nurse that is in charge to see that it doesn't happen.

I keep thinking about how to do "it". I tried to cut myself but forgot how much it hurts. I'm not physically strong enough for anything else. I won't use pills because unless I go hide somewhere all that will happen is I'll destroy my liver.

My heart feels broken. I feel broken. I don't want to live like this. But I don't know if I want to be dead or not.

Bye,

Jami

Would getting a divorce really solve my problems?

And then if I do, what exactly will it accomplish.

It's come up in coversation too much between Shanon and me that we can't ignore it.

I want him to be happy. I think I'm just a huge chore and this can't go on. Even my doctor suggested that I should move out of the state. Not sure if she understands that we've been contemplating separation though.

It wasn't a big deal to me until a little while ago. For some reason I'm totally freakin about it. I almost just want to hop on a plane and never look back. I don't have that luxury. That freedom. I'm attatched to the people I love so much. I am not saying I won't just leave. I'm saying I might but would feel terrible about it.

bye,

Jami

Love... We think about it, sing about it, dream about it, lose sleep worrying about it. When we don't have it, we search for it; when we discover it, we don't know what to do with it; when we have it, we fear losing it. It is the constant source of pleasure and pain. But we can't predict which it will be from one moment to the next. It is a short word, easy to spell, difficult to define, impossible to live without.

- M.W.

Strange and nothing all at the same time

Shanon just went home a few hours ago and I'm still here. I'm feeling very strange. I think I might be terrified. It just hasn't set in. I'm going to be alone a lot of the time and need to make some calls and actually be proactive girl.

Made tons of calls after a night of outright sobbing. Nothing was available and one place even suggested that I should come in immediately to be checked into the hospital. Either they wanted too much money and my insurance will not cover it because it's an out of network place and out of state. Geez! What's a suicidal girl gotta do to get some damn treatment! So, today, Wednsday the 1st of February, I have decided to come home.

I'm not sure if Shanon is happy though. I guess I wanted a more enthusiastic reaction rather than telling me whatever you want. I feel like not only do I miss him so much but that I am such a burden on him that it is almost better when I'm not home. I would love to say that I knew that wasn't true but I can't. I honestly am not sure of where I stand with my family. I can sense that they feel bad for me but also it annoys them because so often their plans are revolving around how I am doing on any given day.

I hate to say this but my physical pain is definately less in this climate. That was the big thing I wanted to test. Not that I want to be in pain but knowing that if I didn't live in such a cold and rainy place I might be able to work or be more active or even just get involved with my family in a more intimate way. I still would not be able to lift things but I could cook dinners, clean the house a little bit more than usual. Still no sweeping or bending a lot to pick up stuff but I just feel less pain.

It seems like it's mostly the arthritis pain that has improved. Everything else seems to be about the same. I went to the grocery store and was still not able to go alone. And my back hurt just as bad as it does when I shop at home. Even my jaw feels a bit better which would make sense if the arthritis was in there too. When I left for this trip last Friday my knees, ankles, hips, elbows and even fingers were in throbbing pain. I was barely able to use a pen to write with. Right this moment I have minimal pain in my joints.

I want Shanon to understand that I miss him too much. I was honestly thinking about how much medicine it would take to kill me. What if that happens again tonight? I know that sounds awful and I'm not even sure of the reason. I know that I didn't have much physical contact with my husband and we barely kissed when we took him to the airport to leave. I sent him off home feeling unwanted and unsure of too many things.

I also called a couple of places to ask about their hiring process and what the rules were for hiring disabled people. I know it's supposed to be fair and give someone reasonable accomodation, but I don't think I could work a full day and there are still so many things that hurt my body that I can't imagine being hired by anyone. I would also hate it if someone hired me only because I was disabled and they didn't want to get in trouble for discriminating. I don't think that would be fair and I would probably feel unwanted and useless.

It's not like I want a job so bad anyway. I just want to start being around people more. I am really not used to it anymore. I would love to volunteer somewhere because it could get me up and motivated to be a happier person. The problem with that is if I did volunteer my time I would not be bringing in an income and that is the only way I could live like this.

I also don't want to sell our house. I admit that it has been wonderful to not have to use stairs but I do love my house so much. Or, at least I think I do. We bought it because at the time it was absolutely perfect. It had the right number of bedrooms and bathrooms. Everything was done beautifully and it had a basement. The basement was meant for my husband to be able to play music and we pretty much have everything needed for a rock band. We've just never gotten around to making it into anything. We always use the same excuses like the kids need us or we just don't have the time or energy. The truth is that we've just never done it and that makes me sad.

It makes me so sad because when I first saw that house all I could think about was how perfect this would be for Shanon and imagined how happy we would be with our family. Now all I can think about is how I never am able to assist with the daily upkeep enough to give him the slightest break from taking care of kids or making dinner or washing dishes so that he is completely exhausted and can not, understandably, do anything he wants to let alone tasks that need completing that he really doesn't want to do.

I hate myself so much right now for that. I want to just bite the pain and give him a break, if not every day, at least three or four times a week. I also think he is in need of a much deserved break by himself without me around to annoy him. I really want to send him to Vegas soon. I am not just saying that either. I think when we have the money and I feel secure that it won't get too low I'll buy one. If that time doesn't come by the middle of March then I'll just say fuck it and by one anyway possible.

I just want him to be happy. I have noticed a pretty drastic change in his mood and personality lately. I want him to know that I do understand and I do feel horribly guilty because I seem to be the start of all the problems. I guess what I feel right now is that I'm going to be in horrible pain anyway so I might as well just do more activities to help him have more time for himself. He mentioned that I shouldn't come home early because I'll just be lying in bed all day and it won't matter if I'm there or not. That hurt my feelings. Not because he said it but because it's true. I just need to change.

If I felt like I do, physically, right now I could be doing so much more. I could give him a chance to take a nap or I could walk around with the baby at night so he could get a decent sleep. I can say this now because I do have less pain. But when I get home will I honestly just cope with it? I want to say emphatically yes. I have to try but I think I'm forgetting how horrible I can feel. I don't want to make promises, especially about something like this, and not keep my word.

I hate pain so much. It does depress me and make me suicidal. I hate saying that. I am really not a dramatic person. I am just truly at the end of the line. One more step and I'm going to fall. Hard.

I don't know if I would ever actually go through with it or not but it's getting close to the point where my brain stops functioning with logic and the pain wins. Heartbreak is a big factor in that. Because I hurt I need so much more than a normal healthy wife should ever need. This makes me feel guilty for having pain I can't control. It also makes me feel unloved because how in the hell can anybody love me? I can't even love me so why should I expect anyone else to?

I love so much with all my heart. I couldn't stand to see my family in pain. Any kind. Physically or emotionally I would do whatever I could to make it better for them. My husband seems like he's on the verge of giving up on me sometimes. He never says this of course and always says he loves me but I just am not sure it's true. I don't think he's lying but I think if he took a step back and looked at himself he might reconsider. And as much as that would suck for me I would love to see him happy again. He used to be the most funny and charming upbeat person that I knew. And I am slowly destroying that.

I love you Shanon. So much I would probably die for you. I want to do anything I can to make your life easier. Just tell me what or how. Please!

Love,

Jami

Love... We think about it, sing about it, dream about it, lose sleep worrying about it. When we don't have it, we search for it; when we discover it, we don't know what to do with it; when we have it, we fear losing it. It is the constant source of pleasure and pain. But we can't predict which it will be from one moment to the next. It is a short word, easy to spell, difficult to define, impossible to live without.

- M.W.

Tired of all this ....life

I really just want to be a normal girl. Too late.

I'm really sad this morning. Lonely too. I guess that proves it's not just an Oly thing. I will always feel lonely when I'm alone. Everyone is sleeping except me right now.

Isn't that fucked up? There are five other people in this house besides me and I feel lonely because they're all asleep. You'd think I'd welcome the silence. I think I will in a little bit when it gets light outside. For some reason darkness, night time, scares me in such a horrific way. Sometimes I cry myself into a panic attack. Other times I just cry. Last night I thought about suicide more than usual.

Some people believe depression is suicidal thoughts. Not true. I can be very depressed and not actually think of killing myself at all. Last night was too scary. I started looking up stuff on the internet. Ways to go less painfully and quickly. Since everyone was aslee it seemed like a good opportunity to try it and be dead by the time the woke up. It was also a plus because my kids aren't here and that would guarantee they would not find me. No, I am not going to tell you the things in my mind.

Obviously I didn't do it....

Goodbye,

Jami

Love... We think about it, sing about it, dream about it, lose sleep worrying about it. When we don't have it, we search for it; when we discover it, we don't know what to do with it; when we have it, we fear losing it. It is the constant source of pleasure and pain. But we can't predict which it will be from one moment to the next. It is a short word, easy to spell, difficult to define, impossible to live without.

- M.W.