The sorry state of me

Yes, I'm completely addicted

2006-11-15T00:09:00.000-08:00

I've not always had this addiction. In fact until I was about 20 was the first time I ever really desired it. It was something I never even thought about. Even though everyone around me was doing it. I didn't want to be a part of it.

I felt comfortable enough in my own skin that I didn't need that extra boost. In fact it wasn't until I lost all my self-esteem that it ever occured to me to do it. I thought that it would make me feel better about being me. I thought it could be my secret. But, everyone knew.

They could see it in my eyes, on my face, in my smile even my hands.

When I first started using it was awkward. I was embarrassed because I didn't know what I'd gotten myself into. I experimented with many different kinds of it and ways of using it. Finally, I had it down.

I could do it at home or someone elses home even in the bathrooms at restaurants, bars, clubs or wherever. I was finally an expert user and that led to an extremly good feeling of being okay with myself. That then led to the addiction.

I could never leave my house without using it. I didn't want to be around people unless I was under the influence of the thing that made me feel better about me. But it was a false sense of self-esteem. It was something I used to hide myself with because I thought it made people want me more. Want to be with me or even think I was cool.

Now with my 33rd birthday crouching behind me I am okay without it. I still spend way to much money on it. Especially when I'm really sad. It still gives me that little lift of happiness, but, I'm okay without it. I can leave the house without it and not worry about being judged.

Make-up, Salon treatments (Hair coloring, waxing, manicures etc....), and Corrective lenses that can change the color of my naturally very green eyes.

I still go on major spluges, like just yesterday I spent nearly $500 on make-up. Some was for my daughter who only uses light amounts of lip gloss, once in a while some eye shimmer and hand/body lotions.

Yes, I know that is still excessive. But I was sitting here crying my heart out (weird expression that I've never understand but still use) because my husband has been gone since Sunday afternoon and my boys are with Grandma. It's just me and my daughter and with her busy schedule and homework and such I'm basically alone.

It hurts. I don't have anyone to talk to or spend my time with because they all are healthy, have jobs and activities to fill up their lives.

I've been struggling with accountants and am scared to death because I feel like I can't make any decisions, appointments or even what to eat for dinner without Shanon.

When he first left I thought my daughter and I would have a fun bonding time, go out to dinner every night, maybe to the movies or even watching Gilmore Girls (a program she worships as I worship Buffy) at home. She's so busy she couldn't even do that. She made sure I DVR'd it so she/we could watch it later. I don't think that later will ever come.

She's so worried about her GPA and what schools she'll be able to get into that she's walking a tightrope that will have her falling into a major nervous breakdown. It's just a matter of time.

I try to talk to her, help her by letting her know I love her but, even those small often one sided conversations take away from her homework time. I don't know what to do. I never thought that we could be so far apart. Even though she is just in the bedroom directly above me she might as well be in China for all the time we've spent together.

I know it's only been three days but I honestly feel like I've been alone for months. Two more days until he gets back but it'll be so late Thursday night it really won't be until Friday morning that we'll have any capacity for any connection.

When we first were together I would never let him see me without makup or in jeans, unless they were super sexy. It was out of complete insecurity. As if he saw the true me he would leave and never come back. It took a long time to realize the true me had nothing to do with what I looked like. The first time he saw me without make-up, was when he stopped by unannounced at my apartment. It was only a month or so of knowing each other. I hadn't even showered that day. He wanted to see me and go for a ride to a comic book shop to buy something. At least I think it was a comic book shop but that's not the point.

I was mortified when I answered the door. He didn't even seem to notice. I realized the damage was done and he was ready to go and I could either run and hide and not go or just get in his car sans make-up, hair style and shower. I chose the latter. I didn't say anything about how uncomfortable I felt and when he dropped me off he even kissed me. It was as if he had no idea how ugly I thought I looked and he still liked me!

I still regretted that he had to see me like that, I think I was even wearing my glasses, and just hoped and prayed that he wanted to keep seeing me. I put that out of my mind and never again let him see me like that until about the time we moved in together. I think about a year or so of seeing each other. Even then I tried as much as I could to not ever be "made up". Before we moved in together I would bring a small overnight bag and after sex or before he woke up in the morning I would go and "fix" myself up as if I always looked pretty. I am pretty sure he didn't even notice or care. Yes even writing this it seems utterly shallow almost like all I worried about was how I looked for him.

What it really comes down to is that I was so insecure and scared of being alone that I would do just about anything to make sure I wouldn never be alone again.

Now, with my illness and physical limitations, make-up and hair do's are not what they used to be. I buy things to make me feel better and some times never even use it. I get my hair done because it feels good but I know that I don't need to do these things to be loved by Shanon.

I have a much better sense of self being than I ever have in my life. I know I'm inexplicably depressed or manic most days but my self esteem is a thousand times greater than when I first was with Shanon over 10 years ago. I still have some issues with my outward body look but it doesn't prevent my doing whatever I want. I suppose I may never be 100% happy with my the way I look. It's just not stopping me from living. I have so much more doing that for me.

At least I can now take comfort in the fact that I know my husband loves me. And I love him. We are both deeply in love with each other and yes I can speak for him not only because he told me he does but because I feel the love he emits forth with his every word, movement and being.

Make up or not he loves me.

And I love you Shanon.

Love,

Jami

Love... We think about it, sing about it, dream about it, lose sleep worrying about it. When we don't have it, we search for it; when we discover it, we don't know what to do with it; when we have it, we fear losing it. It is the constant source of pleasure and pain. But we can't predict which it will be from one moment to the next. It is a short word, easy to spell, difficult to define, impossible to live without.
-M.W.

I guess I shouldn't be such a whiny bitch...

2006-03-25T14:51:00.000-08:00

Sorry to those of you that I hurt by this.

I just got so frustrated when my plan to achieve daily goals and add some structure to my life failed.

It's only been a couple of days. I guess I was just being dramatic. No I don't have a plan, just thoughts.

And, although I'm not enjoying life right now, I don't want to be dead. I'm debating on whether or not to file criminal charges against two men who have assaulted me in the past. I'm not sure if there is a time limit. I also don't want these men thinking I'm just trying to get revenge. One of them used being in a drunken blackout as an excuse so he doesn't even really remember.

I'm looking out for me. I can't keep having these hallucinations and dreams about being physically attacked and abused. Part of me thinks if they would apologize I would get better. But that will never happen. If there is another option I hope I find it before I get the police involved.

I just don't think anyone understands how bad these thoughts scare and hurt me. They make me feel like a whore. Which may or may not be true. I know I have a couple of friends. I just don't want them to have to put up with my shit so maybe it's better to not have any.

No more late at night ramblings. I'll take my meds early from now on. I just wanted to be awake when my daughter came home from competition in Yakima. She arrived at 2:30am so since I didn't take my meds I was having some extra freaky thoughts last night that at the moment make no sense to me.

I do love so much. I don't want anyone to hurt.

Jami

Happy thoughts

Why didn't my husband record er while I was "away"?

2006-03-25T00:46:00.000-08:00

I know it's so stupid but it stresses me out so much to not know what is happening on er right now. I missed two episodes while I was detained. I just want to know what happened. Does anyone know where I can find the scripts for the last two episodes? I'm watching "lost in america" right now and am frustrated.

My daughter isn't home yet from her drill competition and I'm losing my mind.

She loves me so much and I feel horrible. I do love her. I love her to death literally. I wish I were dead. I tried. I really tried hard. I get up at normal hours. I structure activities and daily goals.

None of it matters. I don't matter at all. I make no difference in the world. Nobody will miss me and it doesn't matter. I'm not supposed to care what people think. so, then, why don't I just fucking off myself? Guilt? Not really. i'm just a big fucking loser. I can't even figure out how to die properly.

My mother gave me a big lecture today or I guess yesterday about how "wonderful" and "amazing " my husband is. Like I don't fucking know. I do know and hearing her tell me makes me want to die even more. I don't like depending on all these people. I've scared away or pissed away all my friends.

Anyone and everyone that's ever meant something to me. Nobody calls, cares or believes in me. And why should they? I don't give a shit about myself. I truly want to die. Maybe tonight, tomorrow, next week who knows. I don't care anymore.

I'm a fucking filthy whore. Pick a meaning and it fits me.

I'm done. Done with this blogging. Done with trying and caring so much about those I loved and letting them use and abuse me in anyway possible.

The more I care the more I hurt.

I would say I love you all but I can't even say that about myself.

all apologies,

Jami

hey, shanon, maybe if you just stick me on a plane for a couple of days I'll feel different. Might be worth a try. but there I go again. Depending on you to help heal me. Sometimes I want to get better and being in a state where the weather forcast isn't ice pallets and thunderstorms or snow and downpour would help. I don't want to be bad. I don't have the interest. I want to be dead or find a way to not want to be dead.

Better find one quick

POST PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITALIZATION STRESS

2006-03-21T20:19:00.000-08:00

Well, 12 days being an inpatient at a psych hospital wouldn't have been my first choice of vacations but I guess I'll take what I can get.

I left AMA (Against Medical Advice) on Monday because I was feeling super ill and wanted my own bed. I know their job isn't to cure me but to put me on a path that will hopefully lead that way.

I knew it was time to leave when I realized I was the veteran in the ward. I had been there longer than anyone else. That's when people started asking for my number and giving me unwanted advice. The patients not the employees. And basically I thought it was interfering with my health.

I am going to miss being awakened by a nurse with a handful of meds to start my day. I'm really spacey so it's going to be hard to keep me from staying in bed all day.

Everyone is supposed to leave with treatment and relapse goals and mine were to continue to wake up at 7 or 7:30 and find activities to do that will keep me busy during the day that I'm physically capable of doing. My goals are to:

1. Spend a set time to be/play with each of my children
2. Read books (I'm so behind and remembered how much I love to read while doing so at the hospital)
3. Write (lists, diaries, blogs, songs, poetry etc...
4. Work on all the paperwork that I've been putting off
5. Keep track and pay bills and budget for them
6. Paint
7. Do bead work which I started doing in the hospital
8. Get my photo printer set up
9. Take pictures every day. So I can start scrapbooking.
10. Go to a public place either once or twice a month and increase as my anxiety subsides.
11.Make lists and stick to them

Anyway, that's what I've got so far. I also want to go see my first nephew ever. My brother just had a baby and he was a premie so now tht he's home I want to see the little bugger. I can't believe he's so healthy and weighed only 4 lbs at birth! That is less than half the size of my youngest son.

I miss my friend and her baby and all my online friends as well.

I know I need to work on being out in public but also not to push myself to where I have a breakdown. I want a drink so badly! I know I shouldn't have any but maybe just a half of one. I just miss the taste of good libations.

I wish the best for everyone but I've learned that I really need to focus on getting well and not trying to "rescue" or assist anyone with their problems. Whether it be emotional, financial or just giving advice. It's not my place and I think I've finally realized that. It took long enough!

We're having some financial difficulties at the moment which is a big stressor for me. I miss having enough money left over to do spend on myself even though it was frivolous. No more spending on anything I don't absolutely need. That's really hard for me but I need to start being a more responsible parent. I also need ot save money to go on vacations.

My daughter really wants to plan a trip for just the two of us. She doesn't know about my fear of the outside. Meaning public. So it will be a while but I promised. She wants to start looking at different colleges both in and out of state. She also wants a relaxing in the sun type of vacation like Hawaii or Mexico or even Southern California.

I might choose to spend my writing time here or on a diary so I may post often or rarely depending on how things go.

I have so much love for so many people that it hurts my heart. I can't explain it. You may get it or not. But, I just don't know the words to describe how I feel right now.

I'm far from being well but instead of having sucidal plans I have fleeting suicidal thoughts. Hopefully ones that will dissappear with time.

I have my crisis plan ready to use in case of relapse and that's comforting. I have to see a bunch of doctors and still attend the partial hospitalization group for a while.

But, for once, I have a feeling of hope. I know the people that surround me will tell me if I seem like I'm falling back down into a really bad depression. Maybe I just trust too much but I'm pretty sure the few people that care about me will confront me if they are concerned. I know my husband will for sure.

Best of everything to you all,

Jami

Love... We think about it, sing about it, dream about it, lose sleep worrying about it. When we don't have it, we search for it; when we discover it, we don't know what to do with it; when we have it, we fear losing it. It is the constant source of pleasure and pain. But we can't predict which it will be from one moment to the next. It is a short word, easy to spell, difficult to define, impossible to live without.

- M.W.

Started group last week and I'm scared.

2006-03-06T19:56:00.000-08:00

I can't stop crying since I went Thursday. It was terrifying, more than I expected.

There's a big confidentiality promise that makes me unable to talk about anything particular that happened. I keep debating whether or not I should be checked in to the hospital. Just from my memory I don't think my body could handle it. The beds sucked, room mates either snored, or walked in their sleep or cried. As did I most of the time.

I'm too scared to go back to group tomorrow and in too much pain.

I started painting a canvas this week. It pretty much sucks. My daughter saw me in bed working on it and was so happy. She said how proud she was of me and how she's going to get me a bunch of paper and charcoal and lots of canvas so I won't stop. I know it should have made me feel good but it didn't. It just made me realize how she understands that I'm ill. I don't want her to know how sick I am.

I'm also afraid of running into people at the hospital. I might talk to the nurse that is in charge to see that it doesn't happen.

I keep thinking about how to do "it". I tried to cut myself but forgot how much it hurts. I'm not physically strong enough for anything else. I won't use pills because unless I go hide somewhere all that will happen is I'll destroy my liver.

My heart feels broken. I feel broken. I don't want to live like this. But I don't know if I want to be dead or not.

Bye,

Jami

Would getting a divorce really solve my problems?

2006-02-20T16:57:00.000-08:00

And then if I do, what exactly will it accomplish.

It's come up in coversation too much between Shanon and me that we can't ignore it.

I want him to be happy. I think I'm just a huge chore and this can't go on. Even my doctor suggested that I should move out of the state. Not sure if she understands that we've been contemplating separation though.

It wasn't a big deal to me until a little while ago. For some reason I'm totally freakin about it. I almost just want to hop on a plane and never look back. I don't have that luxury. That freedom. I'm attatched to the people I love so much. I am not saying I won't just leave. I'm saying I might but would feel terrible about it.

bye,

Jami

Love... We think about it, sing about it, dream about it, lose sleep worrying about it. When we don't have it, we search for it; when we discover it, we don't know what to do with it; when we have it, we fear losing it. It is the constant source of pleasure and pain. But we can't predict which it will be from one moment to the next. It is a short word, easy to spell, difficult to define, impossible to live without.

- M.W.

Strange and nothing all at the same time

2006-01-31T19:11:00.000-08:00

Shanon just went home a few hours ago and I'm still here. I'm feeling very strange. I think I might be terrified. It just hasn't set in. I'm going to be alone a lot of the time and need to make some calls and actually be proactive girl.

Made tons of calls after a night of outright sobbing. Nothing was available and one place even suggested that I should come in immediately to be checked into the hospital. Either they wanted too much money and my insurance will not cover it because it's an out of network place and out of state. Geez! What's a suicidal girl gotta do to get some damn treatment! So, today, Wednsday the 1st of February, I have decided to come home.

I'm not sure if Shanon is happy though. I guess I wanted a more enthusiastic reaction rather than telling me whatever you want. I feel like not only do I miss him so much but that I am such a burden on him that it is almost better when I'm not home. I would love to say that I knew that wasn't true but I can't. I honestly am not sure of where I stand with my family. I can sense that they feel bad for me but also it annoys them because so often their plans are revolving around how I am doing on any given day.

I hate to say this but my physical pain is definately less in this climate. That was the big thing I wanted to test. Not that I want to be in pain but knowing that if I didn't live in such a cold and rainy place I might be able to work or be more active or even just get involved with my family in a more intimate way. I still would not be able to lift things but I could cook dinners, clean the house a little bit more than usual. Still no sweeping or bending a lot to pick up stuff but I just feel less pain.

It seems like it's mostly the arthritis pain that has improved. Everything else seems to be about the same. I went to the grocery store and was still not able to go alone. And my back hurt just as bad as it does when I shop at home. Even my jaw feels a bit better which would make sense if the arthritis was in there too. When I left for this trip last Friday my knees, ankles, hips, elbows and even fingers were in throbbing pain. I was barely able to use a pen to write with. Right this moment I have minimal pain in my joints.

I want Shanon to understand that I miss him too much. I was honestly thinking about how much medicine it would take to kill me. What if that happens again tonight? I know that sounds awful and I'm not even sure of the reason. I know that I didn't have much physical contact with my husband and we barely kissed when we took him to the airport to leave. I sent him off home feeling unwanted and unsure of too many things.

I also called a couple of places to ask about their hiring process and what the rules were for hiring disabled people. I know it's supposed to be fair and give someone reasonable accomodation, but I don't think I could work a full day and there are still so many things that hurt my body that I can't imagine being hired by anyone. I would also hate it if someone hired me only because I was disabled and they didn't want to get in trouble for discriminating. I don't think that would be fair and I would probably feel unwanted and useless.

It's not like I want a job so bad anyway. I just want to start being around people more. I am really not used to it anymore. I would love to volunteer somewhere because it could get me up and motivated to be a happier person. The problem with that is if I did volunteer my time I would not be bringing in an income and that is the only way I could live like this.

I also don't want to sell our house. I admit that it has been wonderful to not have to use stairs but I do love my house so much. Or, at least I think I do. We bought it because at the time it was absolutely perfect. It had the right number of bedrooms and bathrooms. Everything was done beautifully and it had a basement. The basement was meant for my husband to be able to play music and we pretty much have everything needed for a rock band. We've just never gotten around to making it into anything. We always use the same excuses like the kids need us or we just don't have the time or energy. The truth is that we've just never done it and that makes me sad.

It makes me so sad because when I first saw that house all I could think about was how perfect this would be for Shanon and imagined how happy we would be with our family. Now all I can think about is how I never am able to assist with the daily upkeep enough to give him the slightest break from taking care of kids or making dinner or washing dishes so that he is completely exhausted and can not, understandably, do anything he wants to let alone tasks that need completing that he really doesn't want to do.

I hate myself so much right now for that. I want to just bite the pain and give him a break, if not every day, at least three or four times a week. I also think he is in need of a much deserved break by himself without me around to annoy him. I really want to send him to Vegas soon. I am not just saying that either. I think when we have the money and I feel secure that it won't get too low I'll buy one. If that time doesn't come by the middle of March then I'll just say fuck it and by one anyway possible.

I just want him to be happy. I have noticed a pretty drastic change in his mood and personality lately. I want him to know that I do understand and I do feel horribly guilty because I seem to be the start of all the problems. I guess what I feel right now is that I'm going to be in horrible pain anyway so I might as well just do more activities to help him have more time for himself. He mentioned that I shouldn't come home early because I'll just be lying in bed all day and it won't matter if I'm there or not. That hurt my feelings. Not because he said it but because it's true. I just need to change.

If I felt like I do, physically, right now I could be doing so much more. I could give him a chance to take a nap or I could walk around with the baby at night so he could get a decent sleep. I can say this now because I do have less pain. But when I get home will I honestly just cope with it? I want to say emphatically yes. I have to try but I think I'm forgetting how horrible I can feel. I don't want to make promises, especially about something like this, and not keep my word.

I hate pain so much. It does depress me and make me suicidal. I hate saying that. I am really not a dramatic person. I am just truly at the end of the line. One more step and I'm going to fall. Hard.

I don't know if I would ever actually go through with it or not but it's getting close to the point where my brain stops functioning with logic and the pain wins. Heartbreak is a big factor in that. Because I hurt I need so much more than a normal healthy wife should ever need. This makes me feel guilty for having pain I can't control. It also makes me feel unloved because how in the hell can anybody love me? I can't even love me so why should I expect anyone else to?

I love so much with all my heart. I couldn't stand to see my family in pain. Any kind. Physically or emotionally I would do whatever I could to make it better for them. My husband seems like he's on the verge of giving up on me sometimes. He never says this of course and always says he loves me but I just am not sure it's true. I don't think he's lying but I think if he took a step back and looked at himself he might reconsider. And as much as that would suck for me I would love to see him happy again. He used to be the most funny and charming upbeat person that I knew. And I am slowly destroying that.

I love you Shanon. So much I would probably die for you. I want to do anything I can to make your life easier. Just tell me what or how. Please!

Love,

Jami

- M.W.

Tired of all this ....life

2006-01-30T06:19:00.000-08:00

I really just want to be a normal girl. Too late.

I'm really sad this morning. Lonely too. I guess that proves it's not just an Oly thing. I will always feel lonely when I'm alone. Everyone is sleeping except me right now.

Isn't that fucked up? There are five other people in this house besides me and I feel lonely because they're all asleep. You'd think I'd welcome the silence. I think I will in a little bit when it gets light outside. For some reason darkness, night time, scares me in such a horrific way. Sometimes I cry myself into a panic attack. Other times I just cry. Last night I thought about suicide more than usual.

Some people believe depression is suicidal thoughts. Not true. I can be very depressed and not actually think of killing myself at all. Last night was too scary. I started looking up stuff on the internet. Ways to go less painfully and quickly. Since everyone was aslee it seemed like a good opportunity to try it and be dead by the time the woke up. It was also a plus because my kids aren't here and that would guarantee they would not find me. No, I am not going to tell you the things in my mind.

Obviously I didn't do it....

Goodbye,

Jami

- M.W.

I think I'm boring.

2006-01-29T17:47:00.000-08:00

really. I'm at my friends house right now and all I want to do is watch TV and hang out here. Inside. I sort of want to go to a bar but the more I think about it the more I don't want to. I really don't want to drink. I just kind of want a social situation. I keep coming up with excuses to not go to concerts or small shows. Even bands I love. I think I just really don't want to be around people. I am going to go to a bar tomorrow for sure. Even if I don't want to.

I go have dinner with M every other week. We want to start going every week. I love having dinner with her because it gets me out of the house even for a couple hours. I love talking with her in a social setting. Even it is just her and me it feels like we're "out". We can talk about anything and not rush and just enjoy ourselves without the kids and that's important.

I got a lecture from my mom last week about how great Shanon was and how I don't spend enough time with my kids. I felt horrible until, well even now I feel awful. Does she think I don't know this? I feel guilty every day of my life for not spending every waking moment with my children. I know I am very blessed to have them and believe it or not I do spend lots of time with them. What my mother doesn't understand is that I do feel guilty for not being a better mom. I'm trying so very hard to not focus on that and focus on feeling my best. When I'm stressed out and constantly worrying I can't do anyone any good. My entire health depends on my mental state of being.

What sucks so very much is that I realize this. I comprehend that I need to get rid of my stress and depression if I want to really focus on healing my physical pain. I stress out about that then. If I know my health depends on how I feel mentally then why can't I just really focus on being happy and then it will happen? Why? I hate to stress about this so much but can't help it. I don't understand why this is my life. I feel like I should be able to sit here typing and if I think the words "I'm Happy" over and over that I will be.

I want to be. I want to happy. I want to be happy so badly that it hurts. I just don't understand why I'm not. Anyone that has truly been depressed knows that feeling. It's really hard to explain. It's like if happiness was a tangible item, it would be like buying a raffle ticket to win some happiness but no matter how many ticket you buy you never win. I mean thats what it's like for people like me. People with suicidal depression. I'm sure there are better explanations for how it feels but if you've never felt it not only are you very lucky but very blessed. I would not wish this feeling on anyone.

Whenever I meet someone who is feeling this horrible mental pain I feel a little better inside. It never seems to matter who they are but there is always a connection. Since I don't meet many people, especially lately since I seem to rarely leave my home, I haven't felt it so much. So, it was weird to me to have a connection with someone new and it made me remember how nice it is to have friends that understand. I don't think the person I met was suicidal or even depressed but we definately connected with some similarities or paralells in our lives.

I know I recently said I need to just focus on me but now I'm rethinking that point of view.

If I could help anyone not feel the way I do then it's better than just totally placing focus on myself. Having a sucide wish is not a fun place to be. It's hard, makes the days longer and is very scary. I'm hoping going to a group will help me. If I know I'm surrounded by people that know how I feel without having to explain it to them it might relieve a lot of tension. I need that right now.

I was sitting on my friends sofa for about an hour by myself. No TV. No Music. Just lonliness. My friend Will and his girlfriend went to sleep and I demanded my husband depart with his brother. He came home earlier than expected which I was worried about at first but then felt good after hearing what a great time he had.

But before that I was just sitting alone thinking about my husband and how I am such a bad wife. My pain prevents me from pleasing him the way he deserves. I guess I hate my body. not self esteem wise but because I can't move properly. I can't walk normal or for any distance. I will probably never dance again.

How long will my husband put up with a wife that can't have sex without having pain? Or at least not exciting sex. I love him so much. I know he loves me too. I just want to be connected with him forever.

Love,

Jami

- M.W.

I'm pretty lame and yes, I do know it.

2006-01-27T04:57:00.000-08:00

All this talk of me wanting to be a more positive person must sound like a huge load of bullshit to anyone reading my recent posts.

It is true though and although I seem to have a huge auro of negativity around me I have hope that it will start to get better soon.

It's 5am and I haven't slept. My daughter had her boyfriend over tonight. Not unusual. He's over a lot. I just happened to have "the sex talk" with them this time.

It went over well. I asked them if they were having sex. Both said no and then I asked Mariah if she had ever and she said no. I told Robbie that I didn't want to know his answer but that if Mariah decided she wanted to that I would hope he might discourage her. Then I said about the lamest thing a parent could say. "You know, there are lots of fun things you can do without having sex."

Mariah was totally embarrassed and robbie and shanon were both laughing. Then I realized what I said and quickly added "like, movies and going for hikes and lots of things". I didn't mean other ways of having sex without penetration. but that's totally how it sounded to me. Shanon suspects she might have already had sex. I am choosing to trust her when she tells me she hasn't.

Then the big depression set in. I think for the first time I actually faced the reality that she is a few months younger than I was when I became pregnant with her. I don't know if I'm more afraid of her getting pregnant and having to deal with that or, that I would be a grandmother. I'm barely over 30 and it's a possibilty that I could have grandchildren before I'm 35. I love Mariah more than anyone or anything. She is my entire world.

Then I started thinking about the years we spent together. Just her and me. I know her Dad was there but not often enough for me to include him in my mind. My memories are of me teaching her words. Both in English and Cambodian. One of her first words was parallelagram (sp?) and I thought that was the cutest thing ever.

Also, how she would always creep out of her room and sneek a peak at the TV when I was watching scary movies. She was fascinated with Freddy Kreuger. The Nightmare on Elm Street Box set was her birthday present a couple of years ago. We watched them all. She loves Dream Warriors (part 3 I think) and The Dream Master (part 4?) most of all after the first one of course.

Shanon used to have a Freddy cardboard cutout and had to get rid of it because it scared her but she'd go out of her way to try and find it in his house. Even if he hid it in the closet. So eventually he was sweet enough to throw it away. I love him so much for that.

I love that Mariah loves Shanon so much. Whenever I hear her speak on the phone she usually refers to him as "My Dad" rather than step-dad. Which she still does sometimes depending on who she's talking to. All her close friends know him as dad.

I guess I better sleep. I'm trying so hard to think of happy memories and that came to mind. Now the grandma thing is taking over. I am pretty sure it won't happen any time soon but I would like to say that I know it won't happen. That's something that is out of my control. I think I'm one of the better parents when it comes to confronting her without making her feel confronted. I talk to any teenagers that come into my home like that.

I usually ask them if their parents have had sex/drugs talks with them and almost all of them said no. I felt it was my duty to at least give them some smart reasons why they should wait.

I really do like Robbie, the boyfriend, but he's still a boy and will be 18 next month. I mentioned that then it would be illegal. I wasn't threatening and they both laughed it off. I also said if it did happen I would never call the cops unless he hurt Mariah. But that meant in anyway physically. Not just sex or whatever. He is so sweet and it was just what I would tell any new young man in my daughters life. It had nothing to do with me not liking him or not trusting him. Shanon adores him and trusts him a little too much I think.

Maybe that's just a mom reflex though. I try to remind him of what he was like sexually at 17 or 18. I'm pretty sure he would have done whatever he had to so that he could have sex. I don't mean that in a rude or condescending way I just want him to put his mind back to that time. I know for a fact he had a steady girlfriend during those years so he wasn't a "player" or whatever guy sluts were called back then. But, he was still a young man with a penis and I keep trying to remind him of that. Robbie is the most considerate and polite young man but he's still a man. With a penis.

San Diego in about 12 hours.

Oh, and thank you to the new people that have emailed me this week. It has really lifted my spirits knowing that other people can understand some of what I go through. Without feeling sorry me or pitying me. Thank you so much.

Love,

Jami

- M.W.

"Boys are defective girls."

2006-01-26T17:46:00.000-08:00

What the fucking fuck!

I don't like news. I really don't love the fact that my mom sends a Newsweek subscription to my house every week. What I really don't like is seeing the title of this weeks magazine that states THE BOY CRISIS: At Every Level of Education, They're Falling Behind. What to Do?

Then, of course I open it because I have two boys and often wonder about their education. And the first caption I see says "Often boys are treated as defective girls." Does anyone know what that means? I'm too angry to even read the article yet but when I do I know I will still be angry at that statement. If it is a statement. I'll find out when I read it. Maybe on the plane.

I am not a sexist person. Think what you want about me but that is one thing I am not. I don't ever generalize men. There are definately a specific few that I have a problem with. And then the male public figures I disaprove of, not because they are men, but, because I don't agree with them. I don't agree with tons of women too but that's not the point.

If anyone refers to my sons as defective girls I'll get violent. I know. Solves nothing. But I never learn. So maybe I'm a defective girl. Since I'm actually a girl I could possibly be defective. Rrrrrrrrrrr.

Love always,

Jami

- M.W.

Less depressed but more anxious and ill today.

2006-01-26T00:40:00.000-08:00

I'm so tired right now. I feel bad because I went to dinner with M and as soon as we pulled into my driveway I ran to the bathroom, well limped really fast, and puked up my whole dinner.

Then, I got the great honor of calling my Mother and asking her to watch Tarkin in the morning. She agreed but not without properlly stressing me first.

We're supposed to leave on Friday which really gives us only Thursday to pack. I wasn't too excited about going until now. I just want the time away. I know, I just went a couple of weeks ago, but, the difference it made seemed unbelievable and I need to check and see if it wasn't for the wrong reasons.

Plus, Will said he would take us to the beach in Mexico far enough down so I don't need to be afraid of the local schemers. I actually want to go to a warm beach again. Hawaii was so nice and I know the gulf can be just as nice. I just am too afraid for that long of a flight right now. the fact that I'm making so many flights in such short periods of time is a big step.

Shanon wants me to come home with him on Tuesday but I don't know. He said he would miss me and I know I would miss him but even if we came on the same day I am not sure about having the same flight. I know the odds are better that we both stay alive if we are on different routes. Also, I want time to check out the job market and just see if there is anything waiting for my disabled ass.

and of course clinics. I want to check out treatment centers/clinics that may offer something more suited to my illness(es).

I received a wonderful email today that actually put a smile on my face. It was like this person was saying what I was thinking and feeling but he wasn't talking about me. He was describing himself. It definately motivated me to want to try harder since he's seemed to have accomplished so much artistically. It made me think that cliche "well if that guy can do it, anybody can" and so I'm trying.

It was also nice to have someone understand depression. Real true suicidal depression. It's not something you ever want to talk to people you care for about. But, unless you've been there, you won't know. Which I think is a good thing. If Shanon knew how my heart felt when I'm this sad it would hurt him more. I don't want him to hurt so I do hold back conversations sometimes.

I want to let him know that I'm having a good feeling. Even with this cold or flu or whatever is stuffing up my nose and making me puke. I feel like I have had a great day. I spent time with M which has been a week since we even talked on the phone and I'm leaving for SD on Friday.

Love to all of you and you too,

Jami

- M.W.

I am not sure why I feel the way I do

2006-01-23T17:14:00.000-08:00

but, I can't stop it.

That's the really hard part. I bring myself down. I hate that I was 30 when my last child was born. I really wanted to have finished all the breeding before I was 30.

I place the age on when I am no longer able to start my life over again at 35. I know this seems ancient to some people and barely anything at all to others. To me I feel like it's older than I will want to be. I put that age on my mid-life. I am pretty sure I won't make it much past 70 if I even make it that far.

I really get down on myself for not realizing that I was able to make decisions about my own life for so long. I rely on my family and friends to tell me what to do. Or, at least I did for a very long time. I'm not saying I'm going to leave my husband. He will probably read that into anything I say. That is the last thing I would ever want to happen. I'm just trying to make it clear that I'm in charge of what I do. Nobody has any right to judge my decisions. Even if they are stupid. I guess there is one exception to that. If I choose things that hurt or even but my children in danger than someone has to step in.

The good thing about that is that I'm never left alone with any of them so it really isn't an issue. I've always been afraid of change. Also, of disrupting my daughters life. She is the main reason why I'm still clinging on to this current path. I want to get off. I've wanted to since before she could speak. It's just, there was always someone else telling me I couldn't. I never fought it. I just said okay and continued on. I may seem different than I was when I was 17. Even 27. But, those are just becoming more mature. For all real life purposes I am on the same path, living the same life, that I was at 17.

I put a big marker on that number because that's the last time I made a big enough life change that actually changed the path I was on. I severed all past ties. I have never done that since. I'm not sure I want to do it that drastically. I just need something new. Something to get excited about that doesn't involve sex, drugs or anything resulting in a baby. Yes, I will always miss those baby years. But, I'm still not even half way through with my last one and my body needs a big overhaul.

I know I need something else right now. I just don't know what. I know what it almost certainly doesn't mean though. It doesn't mean finding a new love. It doesn't mean getting a formal education. It doesn't even mean finding a career. I might start looking for projects, but not get stuck in another political drama labeled work.

I just know something is waiting for me to grab hold and start a new path. I just don't know what.

I really hope I find it before time runs out. Which means I need to start being more aware of everything in my life and not just phasing everything out of my mind. I think this is why I've been having so many fucked up memories. I used to choose to forget about anything bad or that saddened me. Now I want to feel. Not just happiness but the whole range of emotions.

Yes, right now, I have to not care so much about other people. It's hard. That's what I do. That's pretty much all I do. Care about other people. Humanity. I just don't feel like I'm a part of it. I'm not a part of anything that matters. So, even though it's not going to be a good time for everyone, I need to start thinking about me and not worrying about anyone else right now. That's usually what stopped me from changing before. I was afraid of hurting people I care about. I just have to let go of that and hope everyone will either understand or just not bother me about what I do for myself.

I want to feel.

Love,

Jami

- M.W.

Shanon, I think she knows.

2006-01-23T00:16:00.000-08:00

So don't ever tell her okay? Not about why I might be gone more often than usual. She wants me to start doing her inventory again. She said she misses me. I don't understand the words even though I know what they mean. She tells me she loves me everytime we talk.

I don't know why this is formatting like a numbered word document but I don't care. Shanon, I love you so much. That is why I might have to do what I need to do for myself. We can talk about it later this week/end. I do miss you. Even now. I know you're only upstairs but I miss you in my bed.

I'm tired of missing you when your here so it shouldn't be much different if we are actually apart? I'm just trying to build up to believing that.

I feel the tears but I won't let them out.

I know only one thing for certain. I love you all the time. even when I'm angry. I have only loved another once like this. I'm not sure he even knew it. but you understand and you have me always. I know I'm a big fuck up. I want to change though.

If I don't change I dont deserve this life if I don't use it right. Yes I'm thinking about the evil suicide thing again but not as much and for different reasons.

I know love means never having to say you're sorry but I can't help it. I only seem to apologize to those I love. I can't help it. I can't stop saying sorry when I want to say I love you. What's wrong with me? I need to find out.

Please talk to me later this week. Maybe on Friday or Sunday?

Love,

Jami

- M.W.

Goodbye to everything I know ....

2006-01-22T16:04:00.000-08:00

or think that I know.

I feel like changing. I'm going to do something that will upset my family for sure but they will hopefully get over it. I am not trying to hurt them. I am trying to be healthy.

I'm going to start staying away for longer periods of time to try and see if I am employable in a different location. Say one that doesn't cause my pain as much as Olympia does. This place is both taxing physically and mentally. I have no sense of belonging with no anonymity. I can't leave my house without seeing someone I don't want to. I hate being afraid of even going to the grocery store or out to dinner. That of course is when I'm physically capable of leaving the home.

I've been in an extra amount of pain, physical, lately and have been having other new symptoms that are scaring me. Horrific joint pain that is much worse than usual and a low grade fever are bothering me most. The fever suggests to me that if my bladder feels this way the infection may be worse than I thought. If thats what I have.

I started watching Buffy again with season 4 and I'm halfway through season 6 now. There are so many episodes that make me cry. None in season 4 but starting about episode 9 of season 5 it gets real teary for me. I can't watch "The Body", even the one afterwards, "Forever" is unbearable. Whenever Angel and Buffy see each other it's sad but that was very sad. I even cried when Buffy kisses Spike in "Tough Love" I think? Whichever one he gets beaten by Glory in and the first appearance of the Buffy-bot.

After that it's pretty much a non stop cry fest for me. Buffy dies, gets taken away from heaven, Tara leaves, Riley sees Buffy at her worst, Buffy leaves Spike, Spike tries to rape Buffy, Tara dies, Willow is saved by the most tear wrenching words from Xander and so much more. Yet I keep watching and crying.

I'm going to try and find anything resembling a resume now.

Oh, I did have sex not last night but the night before that. It was okay but not wonderful. Maybe next time it will totally rock. I'm going to call my doctor now to see if I can be seen before I leave on Friday. I really don't want to get on a plane like this. But I will if I have to.

Love,

Jami

- M.W.

Is it awful I'm so mad at other parents?

2006-01-21T00:06:00.000-08:00

I have to stop reading mother and child rearing websites. I got booted off one message board twice for posting things the moderators thought evil of me. One was basically me getting angry when someone said I was abusing my child by choosing to not breastfeed. Even suggested I go off my meds if I truly loved my child.

Another has to do with vaccines. It was really stupid so I won't go into it. Basically, these message boards are filled with a bunch of hippies who rip on anyone who isn't 100% natural. Yeah, I chose to take my medicine and formula feed my baby so I could actually take care of him. And yeah, I do get angry at people who refer to vaccinations as "propaganda". Soda commercials are propaganda. Vaccines are science that protects us. Also, do any other countries in the world blame pharmecutical companies as much as us?

Sure, I hate that my meds cost me between $500 and $1000 a month but all I can do is write to congress or the senate or even our governor and tell them my situation. I do know that not taking my meds leaves me in a state of pain that is indescribable and is part of the reason I want to die. Yes, I do on occasion try to stop to the point where they are completely out of my system and no I have never had any herb or naturopathic remedy help me the way conventional medicine has.

What really makes me mad is that people blame the pharmacutical companies for making us think we need a vaccine that we don't. Vaccines are actually very cheap in comparison. Excluding at least the chicken pox vaccine which I'm still unsure about anyway. The thing that upset me today is someone posting that pertussis, or croup or whooping cough, whatever you want to call it wasn't as big a deal as people said. Did they ever think that maybe instead of reading hippie websites and boards that maybe they are lucky their child or themself did not die? Or have lasting side effects. Maybe they should check out all literature on these subjects. Like the CDC or even a more natural place like Epigee Women's Health?

No, and it's because they have all this hippie bullshit validating their opinions that vaccines kill and disease does not. One of the newer Hepatitis vaccines has significantly lowered the mortality rate for people not to contract chronic hepatitis. I think people don't realise that this is a disease that can literally shut your liver down completely. How could that be a good thing to not get a few simple shots? Yes I also looked at the complications of the vaccines and as usual it is insignificant to the lives its helped. I think insignificant is the wrong word because if my child died from something such as vaccine complication I would be in a new kind of hell than I am now.

Will told me today I need to stop talking about yeast infections and UTI's and start talking about sexy things like lesbian sex. So, I will probably lay off the illness talk and not post unless I am feeling less angry with people in the world where my children and I have to live.

I won't post again until I have sex so it may be a while.

Take care and please think of the worlds children and not your own hippie agenda.

as always with love,

Jami :)

- M.W.

Paranoia and too much overthinking

2006-01-20T12:01:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about things too much lately. Mostly about my children. I'm worried that my older son gets sick too much when he goes to school. Then I worry about things that shouldn't be an issue. Does he have croup? That shouldn't be an issue because all children are supposed to be innoculated for pertussis.

I've just been reading and seeing more cases where parents are actually choosing to not protect their children. I don't and never will understand this. Also, the rise in croup cases freaks me out. I guess it's been around forever but why not vaccinate? Whooping cough can kill a child a lot easier than an injection. The local hospital here always seems to have some case of it. The fact that it makes the news when it happens should give people a clue.

I went through and still once in awhile go through a phase where I find people on the hippie boards that are against giving their children shots and I try to figure out why. I email some now and then without the pretense of wanting to know why. But, if they email me back I'll ask about it and have yet to receive a proper answer. Mostly they have information from some hippie vegan coalition with statistics that are false. In no way is getting a disease that could have been prevented safer than getting the protection.

Yeah, some bad things can happen with a shot. But, bad things are going to happen anyway. Your baby could get botulism from honey. Or die from a bee sting. I visit the CDC website frequently and I worry about outbreaks of measles and smallpox and croup and polio. Then I start to wonder.

I wonder if I should send my children to school not knowing if the other children are at risk for passing a deadly disease onto my children. I could worry about it forever but it won't change beliefs of others. Sometimes I think people think that the vaccines are too expensive. which might be true but still no reason to not protect your child. Then there are the other diseases that there is no protection for and wonder how people even contract things.

Just this week my daughter said her teachers have been warning everyone about a scabies outbreak. It's always kids from the group home that start it too. I know thats a rude thing to say but I've never found it to be untrue. do they not sanitize these homes? Why do children with horrible lives have to live in an environment where they also get scabies and lice? Do the workes at the home know how much teasing they get in school for that?

Well at least I'm not upset about the horrible pain in my joints. Oh, wait, I guess I am.

I don't know how much longer I'm going to last. I know if I can just hold on until spring I'll see the sun and hopefully start feeling better. If I have to leave though it will just cause more problems between me and my daughter and husband. He has to work here and I know my daughter would never voluntarily leave her school. But I'm the mom right? I know she'd do good at another school. Is my state of mental well being more important than her switching schools? No.

I love her and my husband but I might have to leave at least for a little while. I don't want to find a new husband or anything sexual. I don't even really care about new friends. even though I only have one true friend here she makes me not want to leave. I'm scared to be alone but if I was in a hospital I'd be looked out for. I just want some peace in my life.

I'm tired. My joints ache like a 60 year old woman's. I can't think straight and I want to leave my family. Not leave them just leave here. I'm being pulled in two directions. Would I actually be happier and healthier in a new place? I should try and find out right?

I need so much help.

Love,

Jami

- M.W.

It's the search engine time again.

2006-01-17T17:04:00.000-08:00

I have to admit I'm a lot disappointed with the results. The number one search term for my site was "wife slut blog".

I know I didn't need proof but wow, all someone has to do is google "slut wife" and there I am. Yeah I tried it.

The weirdest search was "helicopter" and "could you relove someone". I don't like it that I come up under the search for "sad love storys" and yes I know how to spell stories but that's how I was searched. And then there were more than one search for "I slept with my math teachers wife". that one confuses me.

The only time I slept with a teacher was in college and I didn't know he was married. I'll leave it at that. Computer geeks turn me on. Well that and young guys. I used to want men that I could shock, fuck and leave.

Ryan Reynolds is someone that I would like to be with. Until I found out he's with Alannis. That kind of turns me off. I think I'm getting my period or something. Very sexy feeling lately.

I am so lucky that nobody slept with me since December. Or they are lucky they never stuck it in me. I had/have a lovely yeast infection and am currently doing the "I have to be every 5 seconds urinary tract infection dance".

Actually I am not sure if UTI's do anything to a man but I know that yeast infections suck for men. Sorry Shanon. I think I'm all cleared up now and the cranberry is definately helping my other problem. I feel like I'll be better tomorrow. Or the next day. If not I'll call the Doc.

I've been thinking really hard about working lately. Also, about clinics in different states. Why should I be stuck here when there might be a better clinic somewhere else? I'm looking into it now.

I'm also letting every one know that I'm very sorry. Nobody deserves me in their life and until I straighten out I think I need to focus on getting better and not much else.

Love,

Jami

- M.W.

When i dream i see

2006-01-16T17:36:00.000-08:00

I rarely have dreams i remember. but, when I do I see. I see what could have been a reality. what could have easily turned real.

I never had a family. Not until I created my own. I made it the way I wanted it to be. Then I got sick and even my family can't help.

I'm sure glad I have them though. No matter how fucked up I act or no matter what I do to them they will always love me. Even when I don't deserve it. Especially when I don't deserve it. I will never make my children feel how my family made me feel.

Yeah, I acted out in need of attention. I wanted to be disciplined. But, more than that I just wanted her to talk to me. Even now I still crave that attention. Love. I'm giving up though.

I need to be mentally healthy and although I keep delaying entering this program, much to the dismay of many, I hope it will help. I've had to convince the department head that at no time will I be alone. I could tell she was worried about me harming (killing) myself. I'm almost certain that I won't. I keep coming up with reasons why not.

My latest reason is that my organs would be no good to anyone who may need them. If my dying would help no one then why should I?

Harrison Ford is a poorly spoken adult male. He must be one amazing actor because he sure is a seemingly boring person.

Lonely as per usual,

Jami

- M.W.

Thank you!

2006-01-13T16:14:00.000-08:00

I totally forgot to say thank you to the people that really made me feel extra special this week.

The first was when I received a letter in the mail from someone I've never even met and spoken to only once. Here it is because I love it so much:

Jami,

Thank you for listening & buying a CD. I saw your webpage & you have a beautful family. Here is a picture of my cat. (he drew a picture of a cat below that).

Hope this CD & letter find you healthy & happier, every day and good luck to you in the excorcisng of all bad things. May your heart heal completely and in on it's own terms & time.

Jeff

(then he copied this poem down)

I think to live may be bliss
to those who dare to try
Beyond my limit to conceive
My lip to testify.
I think the heart I former wore
could widen, till to me
The other, like the little Bank,
appear unto the sea.
I think the days could, everyone,
inordination stand
and majesty be easier
than an inferior kind.
No numb alarm lest difference come
No goblin on the bloom.
No startin apprehensons ear
no bankruptcy no doom.
but certainties of so
a midsummer in the mind.
a steadfast south upon the soul
her polar time behind.

(then he scratched out somethng and pointed an arrow to it and wrote "oops got the name wrong")

---Emily dickinson

The second was a very pleasant surprise. and as always, thank you sweetie for trusting and loving me unconditionally.

jami

Oh, I forgot, Matt thank you so much for the email you sent a while back. I'm sorry I've been so down but it really did make me feel better and yes we should definately go for coffee when you come back to town. Hope school isn't kicking your ass and maybe when I read your site I'll see that you have found a girl worthy of your love!

- M.W.

Rules, rape, suicide and love.

2006-01-12T11:27:00.000-08:00

I know you've all been worried and I want to let you all know that I do appreciate the nice emails and even the sweet letter that were sent to me.

Although it makes me feel not as sad for a while it doesn't cure me. Depression is a disease. I don't care what Tom Cruise says. It is also nobody's fault but my own. I repress so many truamatic times in my life that I guess they were bound to come out at some point. I really just wish they didn't come out all at once.

If I've been distant or especally grumpy, to the point of being completely rude, it's mainly because these thoughts have pushed their way into my everyday life. I could be having dinner with Shanon or doing the laundry and all of a sudden I remember being shoved into a bathroom and a hand up my skirt.

The hardest part is realzing that almost all of these men were people I considered to be very special friends. People that I confided in. Then I think of how it was my own fault because I've always been very open sexually. Because I had talked about sex or sexual activites in such a candid way I thought that I must have been the worlds biggest tease. When I was opening my heart they thought I was asking them to fuck me. I understand this completely.

I feel so sorry for these men. I thought I had a confidant and they thought I was a whore.

I also think that sometimes people forget that I'm about six or seven years behind them socially because of my first marriage. It was so nice to get out of that situation that I believed that when someone would listen to me it was because they were my friend. I didn't think of men any different than women. I set myself up to be used in a sexual way.

I've never been a fan of women who cried rape every time a man had sex with her. Often, I would side with the man. Women like that didn't understand what it was like to be truly raped. But, I couldn't tell anyone why. Who would believe that my own husband could rape me? I can barely explain it now.

I can try but it might not sound true. It started when I was pretty far along in my pregnancy. I mean I had this large belly and just couldn't perform in a way that was sexy to me. But, if I refused him he would get violent and at first just throw things but eventually grab me and make me bend over while he used me to get off. When I cried he would cover my mouth and tell me to shut up because it made it harder for him to finish. I wished so hard that he would just find another woman and leave me alone.

That wish came true. I didn't know about it until the night I went into labor. I stumbled in the door still somewhat drunk and I told him it was time. I went into labor while he was with another woman. Luckily I had a long labor so when we went to the hospital he was only hungover but not drunk. He passed out while I was giving birth and the doctors thought it was because of the blood or whatever. I knew it was because he was sleep deprived.

After she was born we did have about three wonderful months before he went back to drinking. He was so sweet and apologized so much for hurting me and promised he would take care of me forever. It did not last forever though. He started going out to the bars again and this time becoming even worse. He didn't care that I spent my days caring for our daughter and got up at all times of the night to feed and change her. When a chance came that I could sleep that's all I wanted to do. I had no sex drive and was becoming more and more uncaring and unfeeling than ever.

The worst night ever was when he came home from someplace totally plastered and started touching me. I think I even told him to fuck off. Big mistake. He threw a phone at me and fractured my arm. I tried to beg for forgiveness but it was too late. He got his gun from on top of the fridge and told me to get down on my knees or he would kill me. Giving oral is not sexy at all with a loaded gun pointed at your head.

That was the day I gave up. I was no longer scared of dying. I was ready for it. I had no emotions at all anymore. Shortly after that awful night we moved into my mom's house. I remember asking her if we could and saying something like I was tired of being alone all the time because he worked so much. Which was true but the real reason I asked was because I thought she might actually notice what a horrible person he was and help me.

No such luck though. During those months at her house he tried to strangle me whch obviously didn't kill me but made me pass out on the floor until my mom found me and thought I was on drugs. The worst night was when he gave me PID and the pain in my abdomen was so intense I thought I would die. I could barely walk and kept calling out to him. He just got pissed off and came out of the bedroom and threw a glass at my face. I was bleeding allover mom's carpet and that's all she cared about. That I ruined her carpet with my blood.

For some reason he felt sorry immediately after he did that so he wrapped me up in a blanket and took me to the hospital where I got to stay for a week while the antibiotics cleared up my infection and was left with these lovely scars on my face.

I could go on but it seems pointless. He's dead and my daughter never knew anything about how he treated me. I never once said anything negative about him to her. All she knows is that her daddy is dead.

The main theme of what I am trying to say is that when my own mother believed him instead of me then why would anyone else believe me?

I want to forget these things that happened to me but can't. My other friends that hurt me didn't know about my past and when I would tell them no to sex they didn't think I meant it. I never fought it because I was afraid of being hurt though. So, did these other men rape me or did I just let it happen because it was safer than fighting?

I have so much love in my heart that it defnately comes to bite me. I have so much caring and feeling for others that I often forget myself. I think I want to. If I can help someone by being a good friend then it makes me feel wanted. I don't confide in anyone ever except my one friend but I also don't want to over burden her with my lame crap.

I recently opened my emotions to somebody and I'm not sure why. I felt safe and it felt good to be taken seriously. I feel a little too exposed though. I don't want to be judged. I'm just scared I guess. I feel better today. When I write it's like letting go of what's keeping me down.

I love you all so much but am to tired to write anymore today.

Love,

jami

- M.W.

Sometimes death seems beautiful

2006-01-09T23:13:00.000-08:00

My back is killing me because I'm stressing about not being at home yet. I think when I just see everyone it will be okay.

I know killing myself is wrong but why? Shouldn't I be able to make that choice? And why doesn't anyone understand just how much I physically hurt. It's pointless to describe it because it is nowhere near describable.

I feel totally undesirable also. Who the fuck would want to be with me? Not just my husband but family and friends. I always let everyone down. I'm like a big chore for my family to take care of. Isn't that reason enough to stop living?

I keep looking at the scars on my wrists and wonder why didn't I have the courage to slice deeper? The only real physical pain I had then was pretty much migraines. Or, even better, I could have pissed my ex husband off so bad that instead of just aiming the gun at me he would have actually used it. Fuck!

I know even thinking these things hurts those I care about but I'm just sooooo tired that I need to know some relief from this agony is going to come. I really don't want to hurt anyone because I care so much about others. If I didn't care I would be dead already. No thinking about whether I should or not or which would be better for everyone but just doing it.

Unfortuneatly I have too much love for all the people in my life to do it without weighing the pros and cons first. Also, my love hurts me most of all. When someone I care about is hurting I hurt even more. Mainly because I can't do anything to help. My capabilities pretty much end with listening.

I feel so horrible right now and I'm not even 100% sure why. I know part of it is because other people are sad and that breaks my heart. Nobody deserves to have sadness in their life. Especially extremely caring people who don't want to see anybody get hurt. Including me.

Yes, I'm in so much pain I might pass out. And yes, I wish that I could somehow bring death to me without hurting anyone. Also, I wish the pain in my heart could just disinigrate and be filled with nothing but pure joy. But, it's unlikely any of this shit will stop and it's not fair to anyone, me included, to keep staying alive.

Okay, I know probably nobody will truly understand my feelings but they are very real and I need to be helped. I am working on it but, I can't make any promises.

Death would be a beautiful and very much welcomed gift right now.

I do love you all whith every drop of blood in my heart. Try to understand without hating me.

Love,

Jami

Love with a side of trust.

2006-01-09T03:13:00.000-08:00

I don't think there is such a thing as being in love with somebody without trusting them. But, it may also mean that you will be faced with ongoing moral dilemmas that will test your love and trust of a companion.

Something equally important in any loving trusting relationship is how much we ask of the other person. Just because I like it when my husband does certain things, doesn't mean he wants to and I need to learn how to censor myself from asking.

A good example of my husband asking certain acts of me involve him understanding my physical pain as best he can and to try and not ask anything of me to aggravate it.

By meaning these elements it will elliminate the need for any "rules".

Love,

Jami

Yeah, I went to San Diego again

2006-01-08T18:22:00.000-08:00

Its been nice really. I love that I can lay around and not have to worry about the children. I had a nice time last night and am watching some movies tonight and probably tomorrow. Yes, they're some of the same ones I watch at home but I love them. So let me be okay?

I like being able to talk to adults and have them listen to me and also not to have to interrupt the conversation because I hear "mommy, hey, mommy, look at this please, mommy, MOMMY" or something breaking/falling apart.

Will has been great and his new house is really very nice. I slept a little last night in his brothers bed because he still has an air mattress in the extra bedroom. It was wonderful mostly because I could lay there for as long as I wanted without hurting any extra. I actually feel pretty good and like I could get a nice sleep tonight.

Shanon and I are coming back on the 27th but I just wanted to let him know how much this means to me because I love him so much. I think I just especially needed to get away and you gave me the capability to without feeling sad or getting upset with me. I do love you Shanon and please try not to worry. I'm doing as well as I ever do.

Love,

Jami

I know, I know, suicide is so selfish.

2006-01-05T11:38:00.000-08:00

I have always wondered why people say that as an argument to someone who is suicidal. Of course, if you are the person feeling like dying it really isn't a good argument. Yes, I know it would be traumatic on people in my life. The point here is that I wouldn't have a life anymore so it really wouldn't matter.

Also, in my brain at least, I honestly feel that even though my family would be sad, that they would truly have a better life without me in it. I think about that a lot. They wouldn't have to take care of me. I wouldn't waste so much money on a nanny when I'm in the home all day, I wouldn't have to get my teenage daughter to open almost anything with a lid because the pain in my joints, especially my fingers and wrists, is so horrible that I truly am unable to.

My husband wouldn't have to stay up until 1 or 2 am to finish work that he should have done during the day but couldn't because he had to drive my ass to doctors appointments and go and wait at the pharmacy for my medication. He wouldn't have to help me get dressed. He wouldn't have to be the only one changing diapers and doing any sort of cleaning of the home.

I feel sad because he's kind of like Michael Keaton in that stupid movie "Mr. Mom" without any of the funny hijinx and he has to work a full time job from home. Meanwhile, I'm usually laying in bed trying to get the strength to get up or just sitting in the living room making sure my son doesn't get hurt.

I didn't want this post to come out as a completely negative suicide note. What I'm trying to do is rationally explain my completely irrational feelings. I have no idea if it's possible. I don't even know if all people with suicidal tendencies feel the same way.

Lots of the depression and anxiety come from being alone. I am obsessively scared about being left alone because I might try to do something again. It got so insane that I just broke down and pretty much didn't stop crying for at least three days. When I was with my ex I never cried. I had no emotion and that was almost easier than having these feelings.

I do know I am feeling slightly better. I went out to dinner with Min last night and it was super delicious. That's a really good sign because the more depressed I am the less I can taste anything. So I must have been happy last night because it tasted so good. I also know I feel better anytime M comes over.

Also, in non related news, my superbly talented 15 year old daughter got asked by her dance studio to start sub-ing for the hip hop dance classes on Tuesdays I think! Isn't that so amazing? They want her to watch how the other two teachers do their lessons and then make her own lesson possibly starting in September. I was so proud of her. I mean, I know she's an amazing dancer, but, that just seems surreal to me.

Last night my five year old read a few sentences to me by sounding out the words. He's the youngest in his classs because his birthday is August 30th and I might have to leave him in Kindergarten twice. But not because he's not smart. He's already doing math and he figures it out all by himself.

My youngest son is startingto use so many more words and I'm so happy because I love it when babies start to talk.

I hate it that I love these kids so much and they make me so happy but it also makes me so sad knowing that they will be growing up soon.

I am trying to just focus on the things that make me happy but I haven't been succesfull so far. I have bills that are starting to form a mountain that I just haven't been able to sort out because my anxiety and depression make it so hard to concentrate. The really fucked thing though is that I totally have all the money I need to pay these bills but just because the money is there doesn't mean I won't get late charges or forgiven. Yeah I can hear the conversation with the bill collector now: "Well, the money's sitting there in my bank account I just haven't felt like paying bills yet".

So lame.

I'm going to start the intense outpatient program at the hospital and just hope that I will be able to start to heal. I meet with them next Monday so I'll try and be prepared

I just had a bunch more thoughts run through my head but it's too jumbled to type down.

I wish good things for everyone and only happiness. Just because I get this way doesn't mean people need to stop talking to me or being around me. I think I do an excellent job of completely hiding my feelings when I'm around others. And, like I said before, I am truly happy at least while she's her when Min comes by.

Love,

Jami

- M.W.

Doing better

2005-12-30T07:12:00.000-08:00

My husband is snoring and I'm watching ROTS again.

Our friend Will stopped by yesterday and that can only lead to more sadness but for the time I'm a little too happy.

I want to go on a vacation or outing every week. I know that's not possible but I enjoyed being away from this shithole I live in that I really didn't want to come home. I think I mentioned it but maybe not. I went to Seattle on my birthday, monday, with my best friend and had such a good time.

It was so good it made me wish for the days when we took off for Disneyland or Ocean Shores just for the fuck of it.

But, I'm really doing a little better. For now.

Love,

jami

- M.W.

Will I ever want to live again?

2005-12-27T16:57:00.000-08:00

I tried to do it today. With a sweater of all things. Obviously it didn't work. Cause here I am typing about it like a complete moron.

Is it true that it's not possible to feel joy without pain? Why then do I feel so much pain with absolutely no joy?

I turned older yesterday and I'm not ready for that. Yesterday was nice but now it's today and I wish it ended with yesterday.

I can't stop thinking about all the men who have hurt me and not how I wish they were dead but how I wish I was dead. If I don't deal with this one particular man I might have to die.

what if

2005-12-08T12:46:00.000-08:00

I used to choose to live in Olympia because it was one of the few places I could be almost positive a natural disaster would not happen. At least compared to most other places in the world. I know what you might be thinking, wouldn't Alaska be even safer? I'm also afraid of wildlife. Too many bears and moose in Alaska.

I love southern California but am despreately afraid of Earthquakes, snakes and spiders.

I've always blamed my ex for keeping me here. The truth is he was just an excuse. I guess when we first separated I wanted to move away immediately. I was going to be with Meadow in Ventura. But, he slapped a court order on me faster than I could put a restraining order on him. It ordered me to not leave unless I left my daughter with him. Obviously that was not happening.

He died three years later. I was very upset at myself for not staying with him. I could have put up with the abuse for three more years. How stupid was I? Isn't marriage an until death thing? I had a feeling he was not going to make it past 30. He had two dangerous jobs and was just asking for trouble most days. But, I did love him and probably should not have divorced him.

Sometimes I think if I would have just left my daughter here and moved when I wanted to it would have worked out.

yeah, I do a lot of "what if" thinking when I'm this sad.

I lost track again,

bye

Yippeee! I'm thinking about doing something REALLY stupid.

2005-12-04T00:22:00.000-08:00

Maybe, tomorrow.

You know what's worse than being depressed? Having no feeelings at all.

It's like time stops. Everytime I look at the clock only a few minutes have past. Even though I feel as if hours went by. I suppose it doesn't help that I have my window shades closed that let pretty much no light in the bedroom and lay in a bed all day. Every day.

I'm listining to The Slim Shady LP. It makes remember that I actually got afraid to go to a concert just because I was pregnant. M went with Shanon and my sister. I was really pissed but had really bad sciatica with the first son that it actually scared me into not going. That pregnancy made me have fear for almost the first time in my life.

I'm heading back down that path. Not sure if it's a good or bad thing. Unfortuneatly I don't care so it really doesn't matter. Does it??

Remember that song in Empire Records by Coyote Shivers called "Sugarhigh"? Why do they change the lyrics?

It's suppossed to go :

They all said she's just another groupy slut, and I said I thought you anything but, think again./Sometimes reputations outlive their applications. Sometimes Fires don't go out when your done playing with them.

But in the movie he says

They all said life's just a bowl of cherry's but......

Then in the real song he says:

I feel so funny deep inside when you kiss me goodbye sugarhigh then on the second verse he says I feel so funny deep inside when you lick between my thighs

But in the movie he says

I feel so funny deep inside I wanna kiss myself goodbye

I guess it's a ratings thing maybe? I love that movie. I watched the end of the credits for the "fan's version" a while ago and was sad that I hadn't before. Ethan Embry is so cute talking about Rollins being a puss he's having a two way conversation with an unknown character. Eddy? Not sure we'll go with Eddy. I mean I like the movie but not that much.

Anyway, it goes something like this:

Eddy: People just don't appreciate punk. Like Rollins is such a puss...

Ethan Embry as Marc: Rollins? That no neck liar guy? Yeah! He's a total puss...

E: But the Misfits they were real punk. The chords were so powerful. Sure they only new three of them. But they where the best punk band ever..

M: Yeah, it's like Primus is the new Misfits. Out with the old in with the new.

Then they fade out on Eddy ranting about Primus sucking.

I'd like to say I related with Ethan Embry but I'm with the other dude on that one. It acutally made me laugh for a while.

I've been watching ER again. I was going to stop but then they added Shane West, John Leguizamo and Kristen Davis to the cast. And got rid of Noah Wyle. It was amazing. Shane West is so cute it hurts. On ER he's a punk rock Dr with a band. Then this girl he's seeing comes in and gets a STD test from his roommate the Dr. Viskrova, and she find's out he's been sleeping with a 14 year old. It almost made me want to throw up. But it was a good story. The girls dad kicked his ass. Although, I'm getting a little tired of the major accidents. I mean really, how many times can there be a major air accident right outside the ER? Two helicoptor crashes and one plane crash? Although the story where the punk doc was at a party at some squat and the dilapitaded balcony fell like four storys with tons of people on it was pretty cool to watch.

I don't know I catstrophic ...

I wanna get high high high because I'm low low low. Yeah, I'm switching gears now. Dreaming of substance use. that's the problem with every starting to use. You never get over that first time. I never understood that until now. The dreams are killing me. I wake up thinking I really have a stash in the house. The sadness is stupid yet unstoppable when I realize it's not true.

Hey, Matt, you got any snow up in Seattle? :)

I know it's not a place I need to go ever again. But statistically chances are I will.

I'll leave y'all with that,

Jami

- M.W.

Snow

2005-12-02T15:25:00.000-08:00

Yet another thing I dislike. Well, the kind that's outside my window right now. Not so much since I haven't been driving. But, it does make it colder inside forcing me to turn the heat up and take even less showers. If such a thing is possible.

I'm in a really weird place. I have very few feelings. I haven't changed my clothes in days. I haven't eaten anything substantial in over four days. I just am down.

Bye

Jami

Is it even winter yet?

2005-11-22T02:07:00.000-08:00

Because I feel so down. The winter blues as they so call it.

I hate this time of year so much. So few hours of daylight, uncomfortably cold and grey sky.

I feel like a terrible person today. I made a huge mistake. I can't tell what it is because I don't want to be judged. It was very serious though. I could have hurt someone I love so much in the worst way.

I stopped taking my meds for too many days. I had a complete breakdown. I slept for almost two days straight. I was nauseous, had the shakes, blurry vision, loss of appetite and basically my mind was going non-stop.

I kept thinking about people and how much they hurt me and how mad I was at them. Or, I would get really jealous for no reason. I felt like my mind was never going to let me rest. It was a total emotional breakdown. I never want to feel like that again. It's just now wearing off.

I didn't decide to stop taking my meds but the thing I did that was so horrible was the cause of it. I know now I can not stop taking them without tapering slowly off. I saw my doctor today and for the first time ever I thought she was annoyed with me. I have no excuse for what I did. When I said to her that I knew she'd be mad at me she said she wasn't but she was very worried about me.

I was completely paranoid and thought she was going to call social services on me. My mind just wasn't working straight. But, being the most amazing woman around, and a doctor, she just gave me an injection and not really a lecture but help me reason with my actions. I know she was disappointed in me. I feel like I let her down and need to gain her respect again. I hope so much that I can.

I have never met anyone like her. It's kind of weird because she's the exact age as my husband. At least she was born in the same month and year that he was. And she's a doctor! I am not quite sure why that freaks me out so much but it does. I can't lose her. I'm so scared of her not being a doctor anymore and not ever finding another that understands me and cares about me like she does.

I have never felt so guilty as I do right now.

I have never wanted to die so much as I do right now. I want this pain to end. I can't take it. I keep thinking of how to die. It occupies much of my time.

The thing is, I'm really afraid to kill myself for many reasons but I think about other ways that I could get killed without doing it myself.

I won't go into details because I don't want to give any other suicidal person ideas but they are becoming obsessive ideas.

I can't shut them off.

Maybe now that I'm back on the meds it will help but I'm scared.

I cry too much. I need to be around people. I need positive reinforcement from anyone right now. I need a reason to keep living. When I'm with someone I care about I am almost always uplifted for a time.

I also am the type of person that will almost never ask for help. I just can't bring myself to. The funny thing is that I will help anyone in a heartbeat if I am able to. But, when the time comes that I need help or just to talk about my feelings I don't ask any of the people I've helped because I don't want them to think my assistance came with a price. I don't want to burden anyone with my shitty life problems. Whether they're petty or not.

I'm embarrassed and often don't want anyone to think bad things about me. This town is a big gossip factory that it's also hard to find the right person to talk to. I trust four people but three of those people I don't want to worry about me. I know it's totally stupid.

I can't explain it and I just spilled my drink so gotta run,

Love,

jami

- M.W.

In this desperate time of need...

2005-11-18T01:02:00.000-08:00

Help me Obi-Wan your my only hope.

I'm trying so hard not to need anything. The real downside to this is I don't think I will ever not be in need of something. There are things I literally can not live without. I would be dead by now if it were not for these things.

My husband is at the showing of Harry Potter with my daughter right now. I'm not expecting them back for a while.

I love that he does these things with her. I just get so scared being with the boys all by myself. Already tonight I spilled about three plates of food on the floor, fed Logan, the five year old steak and bananas and apples, broke up a fight with Logan and Tarkin, the 16 month old because the Tarkin kept taking Logan's food and pulled a rubberband out of T's mouth.

That was during the first half hour of them leaving. They're both asleep in my bed at the moment. Both with their cute little snores and sleeping with their butts in the air. I love them so much. It hurts.

It physically hurts because of the necessary bending and lifting needed to take care of two children this age. It mentally hurts because I feel like a horrible mother for leaving messes for my teenager and husband to clean up later.

I was sick yesterday evening and slept most of the day away today. My husband took Tarkin to my mothers and I was so knocked out that I didn't even notice. I didn't fully awaken until sometime after noon. I think it was stress.

I've been pushing myself so hard these last few months. Partly the reason why I haven't posted in so long. Also, I have been burdened with financial issues and the combination of the two have taken the toll on my body. I just broke down. I ran out of fuel. Yes, I'm comparing my self to a hoopty old vehicle.

Also, it's the time of year I start worrying about my birthday. I hate being over 30. I'm going to talk to my husband about sending me away on that day. There is a Social D show in San Diego and I think it would be perfect to forget that I'm turning older again and just have fun. I'm not sure if our friend will be in town though. Maybe I could go to San Jose with our other friends. I don't know really. I just want to run away for a while.

I know I seem to only post when I'm really sad but that's how I get over it. I type how I feel and then later I read it and think that I really don't feel that bad or that I'm embarrassed for even feeling that way at all. It's a good tool making me laugh at myself. Ha ha.

I've also just not had the time or energy to post anything at all. I've been really antsy or anxious for no reason. Or I can't figure out what the reason is. Maybe it's all in my mind.

I know part of the reason for the anxiety is that I'm turning thirtyjfljalfj and this is the year I'm really down. Mostly about the fact that I will never accomplish the things I wanted to because of my stupid body. I hate this pain. Yes, it makes me want to die. I try not to think that way but it always ends up like that somehow.

I pushed myself past the limits of what I can do physically and paid the price. Have I mentioned I hate my body?

I also watched the news for the first time in a while. I honestly don't remember when the last time was. I know I should be informed but it just makes me cry. I really cry about what I see or hear on the news. It frustrates me if there is something that I can do nothing about or it makes me miserable seeing other peoples' misfortune.

I feel guilty for complaining about my pain and suffering when others have it so much worse. But I shouldn't feel guilty right? I always do whatever I can to help in anyway I can. Usually financially but still I try. I think sometimes I use it as an excuse to not focus on my own sadness. If I can focus on others and feel like I've helped them than I don't think about my pain for a few minutes.

I was also thinking about how much I hate to be the center of attention. It really freaks me out. I downplay lots of my pain because I don't want anyone pitying me. I think part of the reason that I never went back to college was because I was entering public speaking territory. I get really flustered when there are more than two people listening to me at a time. I could go on and on about why but it comes down to I don't want to be judged.

I have to go now,

Love,

Jami

- M.W.

Why can't people just shutup or attempt to understand?

2005-11-01T23:49:00.000-08:00

(Short edit here. I've been watching Star Wars Episode III since Monday non-stop almost and will probably continue to do so. I have it on in the background all the time and it is amazing! So I might not be posting as much because I feel my time is better devoted to studying ROtS exclusivley. Love it.)

It's gotten to the point where either I don't want anyone in my house or I am just going to give up trying.

I just want people to understand my life before making comments on the mess my home is in. As if I didn't know. I have to live with this shit. So, yes, I know.

The only person who never has said one negative thing is M and she even went as far as to notice when I had been trying to get it together.

Since the baby was sick I got behind though.

Here's a little bit about why I can't have an immaculate home. I am unable to lift things heavier than about five pounds. My baby weighs about five times that. Sweeping destroys be but I do it anyway. Bending down and up again is something I can do occasionally because once I'm on the floor it's severly hard to get up. Stairs are a HUGE problem. Regular cleansers give me headaches so I can only clean with natural ones. Sometimes those don't cut it. I can do laundry but it's very difficult to lift the baskets up so I need help.

I suppose the biggest problem is the kitchen. It's the one place I'm useless. I can in no way clean the floors. The refridgerator is a hard task and loading or unloading the dishwasher is definately off limits. Also scrubbing the cabinets is painful.

Every day I pick up toys and put them away at least twice. Sometimes more. I try to keep the highchair clean after feedings but my son often has a different agenda.

My son is 16 months old now and has started what I call the ultimate boy phase. Girls like to bite a lot but boys like to hit and throw. Girls may do those things too but from what I've seen not in the same way as boys. The baby has started having full on tantrums and I'm really sick of that.

I also feel terribly guilty for being lazy. I wish I could have some legal amphetamines to keep me awake during the day because I am so tired. My son needs me more. We're working on body parts now and he almost has them all down. My daughter at this age knew so much more. She used to say octogon when we saw a stop sign.

I don't think it's a reason to worry because everything I read say that boys are often slower to learn some things than girls but I didn't know that before I had my first son so a lot of their behaviors are new to me.

I'm also getting stir crazy again. I NEED TO LEAVE THIS HOUSE!!!!!!!!!! I can't remember when I did last. I don't mean for a doctor appointment or something lame like that. I just want to get out for a while. Do something boring but will be extremely fun for a mom with cabin fever.

I started thinking about how I will never be pregnant again. I hate it when my mind wanders that way.

I'm not especially sad. Just really, very lonely. I need some human interaction with adults. I guess there was a Halloween party on Saturday that our family was invited to but my son was not feeling all well so we passed. My husband was very disappointed. I was devestated. I just want to be with people. Even people I don't like will do.

When the money comes I'm buying some plane tickets.

Love,

Jami

- M.W.

Just frustrated and a bit sad.

2005-10-25T02:45:00.000-07:00

Thank you for the emails. I'm okay. Well, as okay as I get. I was just feeling a bit down on myself. (Quick note to Matt. Drop me a line okay? I haven't heard from you in a while and you've been on my mind lately. Hope all is well with you. You sounded a little sad in your last entry so I was just letting you know I read it and I miss you!)

Some days are worse than others. Then there's the great occasional day that is actually good. Once in a while even great. I'm feeling okay now.

I just get so frustrated with all the pain that I have and no cure in sight.

I've been feeling like such a burden to everyone I know. Especially my husband and that makes me very sad. I know I can't control other peoples feelings but I sometimes try too hard to fake feeling better to keep from hurting them. When I break down I fall. Hard.

I'm trying to lift myself back up but it's hard. I'm lonely, depressed, anxious and I feel hollow.

Hollow. That's the best word I can use to describe how I feel.

The pain is worsening. Probably due to this suck ass October weather. God, I feel like such an old woman. I even act like one. I drag my feet when I walk because I don't have the strength to lift them all the way. I have one of those weekly pill containers so I don't forget what meds to take each day. And I feel like I have nobody to talk to.

At least nobody I want to burden with my troubles. I know I should go to therapy but it often doesn't feel right for me. I'm just afraid if I break down in front of my friend(s) or family that it will just make them hate me. I already feel like everyone does. It's just my mind not wanting to put anyone through my shitty life crap.

I miss a life I used to have.

I love Shanon so much. He just does too much for our family. I want to be the one to take care of him for once. He needs me right now. I just feel so horrible that I'm not able to prove that I need to take care of him. Of my whole family. I feel so useless it makes me sick to my stomach.

Shanon is my life. He holds my heart. Sometimes just being with him, cuddling, holding hands or even next to each other while we sleep lifts me a little. Then I feel so bad that I'm not a good wife. I'm terrible. Not only are there very few chores I am able to do but I take so much maintenence. I need help for so many things. Sometimes I can't even dress myself all the way.
I love him so much. He told me today that he loves me because I'm the sweetest person he ever met. He says that I care almost too much for people. That if anyone needs help I reach out without even thinking twice about it. Even when it's people I'm not particularly fond of. I just call that being human. If someone needs something I can give then there isn't anything to think about.

I know that's my way and most people don't know it. I often help people anonymously because so many people dislike me that I don't want them thinking I'm trying to buy their friendship. I just don't like seeing people going through hard times. I'm not sure that makes me "sweet" or "good".

I think it's just normal. It doesn't define me. I define myself at any given time. Right now I feel like a complete failure. I feel like a bad mother, bad wife and bad friend. I'm needy, clingy, scared and sad.

I am writing this because I need to talk about it and figure out how to fix it. I don't like being pittied and I feel that's how people view me. They feel sorry for me and I don't want that. I just want people to view me as a human being that is a little less capable to care for herself. Help would be nice but I can't ever ask for it. It feels too weird.

So, I try to distract myself by trying to help others.

I also hate explaining why my house is a mess or why I don't cook for my family. I don't invite many people over because of that. The only person I don't mind coming over is M. She seems to understand or at least not judge me because she knows my limitations. Everyone else I feel as if I'm being judged. Like when they go home they will talk about what a shithole I live in.

It's not that bad. It's mostly clutter and I'm slowly getting rid of it. I just always feel the need to explain myself. I try not to care what people think but it's impossible. I have a severely painful disability and three children. Shanon works his but off and takes care of everything in the house.

That means that there are always going to be a few dishes in the sink and stuff like toys and pots and pans and books and DVD's and anything else a 15 month old baby will get into. He cleans up every day but he also has a company to run and spending quality time with the kids comes first.

That means driving my daughter back and forth everyday from school to dance classes and back home again. And now it's Nutcracker time so that means rehearsals on Saturday and Sunday as well. Often he has to catch up on work during the weekend because of the time he spends taking care of me. Driving to appointments, buying groceries and all sorts of errands.

We also have to spend time with the kindergarten son working on learning to read and write and simple math. Then the baby is always wanting to play which is learining for him. Building with blocks, reading simple books and practicing to talk. Soon the potty will come out and that will begin.

If you really think about it Shanon is just amazing. We are a family of five and he does it all. If the house looks messy or cluttered it in no way means he hasn't done anything. Garbage for five people is insane. He takes at least one bag out every day. Sometimes two. He cleans as much as he can daily.

It just never ends.

I've been doing really well on ebay and that makes lots of things leaving our house. So I do contribute as much as possible. I'm working on the baby clothes. Since I can't have anymore I'm selling them on Ebay. I haven't posted any yet because they are the hardest thing in the world to get together. I've found that selling in large lots is the best way but that means carefully looking everything over for stains, making a list of the type of clothing, size, brand name and description. I try to make lots of at least 20 or 25 items and it's a pain in the ass. But, it does get rid of things pretty easily.

I guess I'm just exhausted and I've been excessivly worrying. I need more social contact in my life. I miss just hanging out with a friend. Drinking a beer or glass of wine and watching a movie without kids would be ideal. I really miss it when M and I go out for dinner and drinks. That always brings my spirits way up. Hopefully in a couple weeks we can start doing that again. At least once in a while. I even love it when she comes over with little G. It's like a break for me even if it doesn't seem like it always.

I really enjoy spending time with her baby because it's the closest I'll ever get to having a baby girl again. I spent time with G when M went out with her husband a while ago and we had a blast. I love little girls. I love my boys so much but I miss my baby girl. She's 15 now and I love everything about her still. She is my life. I just miss when she was a baby. For some reason my fading memory hasn't let me forget her infancy. Maybe it was because she was first or she's my only girl but, I can almost remember every day I spent with her. I'm not always accurate on the age but I think I'm pretty close.

As much as this pain makes me want to die quite often I hope I don't. I need to live to see my kids turn into adults. I just have some really bad days. Especially in the winter. I'm uping my doses of meds yet again and hopefully that will help.

Sorry if this is too depressing but it's how I'm feeling right now and that's why I have the personal diary. I have to be honest to my heart and if I'm feeling down then that's what I'm going to write about. I can't worry what anyone is going to think of me or else I'd never write anything. Often, I feel a little release after posting. Like some of the feelings exited my body after I organized my thoughts and feelings.

Love to everybody who reads this (and my family),

Jami

- M.W.

Lyrics like this made us punk

2005-10-23T23:48:00.000-07:00

And Fuck that crap they say is punk. At least that awful rock/rap mixture seems to be pretty much gone. Everything you see (except the first one) is a result of me listening to this shit since I can remember. This is what I believe makes me punk not anyone else (except the first one). There was not a punk I could remember that didn't listen to that and love it. But, I also found out from my husband that lame ass scenesters really like it too. Why? I will never understand. Because I don't want to.

I will not state artist names because if you don't know than somethings wrong with you! Or maybe if you really understood it you would research and find some decent shit to listen to:

Just because you’re better than me
Doesn’t mean I’m lazy

Just because I dress like this
Doesn’t mean I’m a communist

2. More Beer!

3. T.V. party tonight!
T.V. party tonight!
T.V. party tonight!
T.V. party tonight!

4. group sex!
group sex!
group sex!
group sex!

private swing party
friday & saturday night
wouldn't it be nice
to have a party with couples
that are friendly and mellow?
a ion-key atmosphere
where you can explore
your most sensual fantasies
with other aware sensitive couples?

group sex!
group sex!
group sex!
group sex!

5. we just get by
however we can
we all gotta duck
when the shit hits the fan

6. (note: This, to me, is the one song by this band that everyone has always thought was the best and it is pretty much my favorite. Non punks usually like the next lyrics best.)

when you're seeing 20 things at a time you just can't slow things down
baby when you're seeing 20 things in your mind just can't slow things down
then all those eyes they're just crowding up your human face
then all those eyes take an overload

7. i ain't no goddamn son of a bitch
you better think about it baby
i ain't no goddamn son of a bitch
you better think about it baby, babe

8. Went to a party
I danced all night
I drank 16 beers
And I started up a fight
But now I'm jaded
You're out of luck
I'm rolling down the stairs
Too drunk to fuck, Too drunk to fuck, Too drunk to fuck
Too drunk
To fuck
I'm too drunk, too drunk, too drunk
To fuck

9. sunken eyes and rabid head. fuck you baby, you think i'm dead. look in the mirror and what do you see. you don't like it but it's me. your d.o.a. you should have got out while you could. before the rot set in for good. your locked in, you gone too far. there's no escape from what you are. your d.o.a. (Note: okay, so I typed the whole song but you know this band isn't known for epics or anything.)

10. Run, but don't be scared to look behind.
Stop, don't wait too long, make up your mind.
The end is almost here,
The sky, the air, so nice and clear,
The sound of your decay,
And the ringing in the air is the sweet debris of yesterday.

11. (note: Punk's everywhere I've found out love this shit.)
You gotta fight for your right to party!

12. (note: These are by far the best lyrics in any punk song ever and they really do say fuck you to so called bands like retarded charlotte death cab fucking assholes, or whatever they may be. And I couldn't find just one lyric that said it all so I did the second half of the song and yes, I cheated because there were two words I was unsure of and didn't want to type it all but it does make an excellent point.)

White youth, black youth
Better find another solution
Why not phone up Robin Hood
And ask him for some wealth distribution

Punk rockers in the UK
They won't notice anyway
They're all too busy fighting
For a good place under the lighting

The new groups are not concerned
With what there is to be learned
They got Burton suits, ha you think it's funny
Turning rebellion into money

All over people changing their votes
Along with their overcoats
If Adolf Hitler flew in today
They'd send a limousine anyway

I'm the all night drug-prowling wolf
Who looks so sick in the sun
I'm the white man in the Palais
Just lookin' for fun

I'm only
Looking for fun

And last but not least the essential two metal bands that punks adore, usually.

1. This can't go on I must inform the law
Can this still be real or just some crazy dream
But I feel drawn towards the evil chanting hordes
They seem to mesmerise me ... can't avoid their eyes
666 the number of the beast
666 the one for you and me

2. Anything by Kiss, not sure why. I think they either like it secretly or really like to make fun of them.

I'm tired of conforming to this life. Done. Finished. Severed. I don't want to go back to the street life but I would like to go back to having ideals and not in want for anything.

anarchy,

Jami

- M.W.

another day on the slow train of death

2005-10-23T05:08:00.000-07:00

I can't take two steps without hurting. Especially when I have bruises on almost every surface of my body that is susseptable to them.

I'm crying so hard right now. I know I say this a lot but I am truly not sure how much longer I can live this way.

I hurt my knee by basically being off balance as usual. I was stepping over the baby gate and bashed it into the wall. That was seven days ago and it still hurts so I'm worried.

I also realize I have literally lost all names of people I cared for.

The ones I do remember are gone forever. Mike. How the hell do you find a guy named Mike when you don't even know where he was from and only that he was passing through this town in 1987? Oh, some people called him Preacher Mike. I don't have a clue why. I miss him terribly. Also, James. Again, how do I find a guy named James that I knew for that summer because he sheltered me and never took advantage? Last names? Never came up in any conversation.

I was shunned by most girls and pawed by most men. But the few that were there for me I can't remember or even know where to start looking. I just don't know how I'll say what I need to before I die if I can't find those people who shaped my life. For better but usually worse.

the one person I need to find I never will

well, 5am is as good a time as any to down some valium and watch Episode II

No love,
me

Goals!

2005-10-12T23:24:00.000-07:00

My goals.

I'm probably going to complete all but one. The cooking thing is probably not going to be completed. I have yet to cook a single meal. I think I wanted to cook four before months end. So I'm not going to hold my breath. But, I've actually gotten things done!

Yay yay for me! Go me, it's your birthday, doing a crazy dance, yep, me!

I'm getting lots of CD's burned. I've gotten bids on all three items listed on Ebay. The one thing I wasn't sure about is already three times what I expected. It's this really inventive creation but not sure if it's worth over $20 used. You can check it out here if you'd like. I'm still counting down days until Sith arrives at my door and I've sketched my idea on a canvas.

I'm still pretty motivated but do not want to add to my goals currently. I think that I decided to do a little too much before the end of October. Or, maybe, the exact amount of tasks I can complete without having stress about it. So, it's all going very well.

For my canvas I did start to worry a little bit because I don't have any brushes, but, I do have an abundance of makeup brushes. Mostly free samples but I think some of the stiffer ones should work well. Especially if I'm not going to use paint. I haven't created art for so long that I have too many ideas so it might turn out a little busy. Hopefully I can get my ideas more organized to create other projects. For now I'll just wait and see how this one turns out.

I have been a little down lately because of my physical pain. I'm sad because I was so excited when M and I signed our babies up for swim lessons but I've been in so much pain that just thinking about going hurts. There have been seven lessons, I think, and I've only been to the first one. My husband has been going so the little muffin gets to have fun in the water but I just wish I could be there.

It's just not possible and I need to really concentrate on limiting my activity to things that I know aren't going to hurt. I went to the ER yet again last Friday because I slipped on a vinyl jacket on my hard wood floor and fell really hard on my hip and back. Then today I went to the doctor again for another shot because the one in the ER wasn't done properly.

It was kind of scary almost. The doctor came in and quickly examined me and gave the nurse orders to inject me with two pain meds and one anti nausea med. Which is normally all good. Except when the nurse came in he pulled up my gown, since I was laying in the most comfortable bed ever, it was the easiest access to the hip/butt area where the injection is to take place.

Okay, so far sogood. Anyway he cleansed the area and got out the needle, then he stabbed me with it and said "Oh, Crud!" and pulled the needle out. Since being stabbed or poked as most people prefer, with a needle doesn't hurt I wasn't sure what just happened. He just picked another area and stabbed me again only this time he did push the meds into me. That's the part that hurts. Then he got the second shot out and stabbed me again and this time while he's pushing the injection: "That's possibly the worst injection I've ever done." Not exactly what you want to hear from someone who has some knowledge of how to do these tasks.

Immediately after he pushed the meds on the second injection I started having sharp throbbing pains all the way down my right leg and all the up to my right arm. It worried me but I knew it wasn't too serious. So, when he, the nurse, came back to check on me I asked him politely if that bad injection he gave me could have caused that kind of reaction. He said well it might if there was fluid from the injection pushing on a nerve.

I told this to my doctor today and she was curious as to where he gave me the injection. So she examined my right hip area and couldn't see anything and then started pulling my undies down and then she said well no shit he probably got extremely close to a nerve. Not to mention that the mark was still there from six days ago. She said that is why she never gives low injections. Apparently there are two common places to give that type of injection. One up high on the hip in between where certain bones meet or lower in the butt basically. The second one has a lot more nerves in the area and therefor the risk for EXTREME PAIN. Plus, my doctor said by the way the mark was left on my hip she thinks he did it not only way too low but also way too deep.

That is probably the most boring paragraph ever.

So, to continue, went to the doctor today got another injection and we talked about my options. I am going to go back to PT, Acupuncture, Massage and Therapy. She has diagnosed me with Fibromyalgia many months ago and I also get this horrible arthritis pain when the weather is colder. She also upped my meds and added some herbal supplements specifically for arthritis pain. Glucosamine with Chondroitin and MSM four tablets a day and Zyflamend one softgel twice daily.

My doctor, who is the most kick ass rockin' doctor in the world, says those meds are to replace my naproxen or ibuprofen for arthritis pain since anti-inflammatory's cause my stomach to bleed. Probably because I will take it every day for months on end I guess. Either way, I'm willing to give it a try. She also said it takes up to three months to notice any change so I'm in this for the long haul.

She upped my extended release pain medicine which is the one that makes me worry most. I'm an addict to this drug. It just feels weird to know that I won't be able to stop taking this drug without help from my doctor. I had a reality check about that when we were in San Diego a while ago. I didn't bring those pills for stupid reason and ended up in so much pain I thought I was going to pass out. It was so horrible! Dr. B doesn't label me as a drug addict but does counsel me, without patronizing, about what is going to happen when I am able to get off these meds. If ever.

I don't know how to explain it really. It's not just about the pain my body feels but the withdrawal is dreadful. Anxiety, panic, shakes, sweats all the things drug addicts go through in rehab. Luckily my doctor promised me she would never just cut me off and she would be there for me when or if that day comes.

Okay, it's getting late and I can't keep a complete train of thought going so I'm going to end it here.

Love to all of ya,

Jami

- M.W.

Weird searches last month

2005-10-08T01:27:00.000-07:00

I, just for curiosity sake, checked my stats and as always went straight to the section on what was searched for to lead someone here.

The usual suspects were all in order: Sex, Depression, Sorry, Boobs

But then there was this beauty; Some looked on MSN search for and yes it was in quotes "I asked my husband to put" and that was it.

Does that seem like an odd search to anyone but me?

I search for things a lot. Research on new meds, Buffy stuff, once in a while people I used to know and of course baby articles or merchandise. I just don't quite understand what someone would be hoping to find under "I asked my husband to put". Maybe, and this is the only logical reason I could come up with, is that someone read my blog and couldn't remember where it was but remembered that partial sentence.

Don't know why this bothers me but it does.

Okay, back to ripping music.

me

- M.W.

Ambition?

2005-10-07T20:15:00.000-07:00

I'm not 100% on what that word means but I think I'm having it.

I've made a few goals that I want to have done by the end of this month. October right?

1. Copy all my CD's to my computer.
2. Buy a device to play such music on.
3. Start to create a canvas painting using a unique medium.
4. Sell any baby crap I can easily mail. Including clothing, infant seat, bundle me, baby bjorn and possibly an exersaucer and a jumperoo. Those last two are iffy since it may be difficult to ship or too expensive for a potential buyer.

5. Cook four meals from scratch. Also, make two deserts that are harder than mixing cake batter.
6. Countdown the days until Sith arrives in my mailbox (24 days to go!)

Okay, that's all for now. I'm starting the CD copy thing so I can validate having my laptop and not using it for any business purpose. I originally bought it when I did do work but since that has been about two years ago I'm going to need a new reason to own it. Or I will have to sell it also. That will probably never happen since this household uses every computer it's ever laid it's hands on.

Goal oriented. I hate that term for describing a person. It's so sterile to me. I want to have goals but I don't ever want to be referred to as goal oriented.

Bye,

Jami

- M.W.

Steak pizza must die!

2005-10-06T23:40:00.000-07:00

Why is it that when I'm sick in the puking way is when I get to see repeatedly food commercials? And not just any food commercials but the worlds most disgusting food commercials. Or fear factor either way it's the same to me. Gross.

And the theme of food seems to be large in all the movies today. Mystic Pizza was the worst. Pre Pretty Woman Julia Roberts with bad hair. And of course Vincent D'Onofrio looking so very young. Although seeing him always reminds me of the fat guy that blows his head off in Full Metal Jacket.

Anyway, yep, I've started my new cycle of bi-monthly sickness syndrome. Fever, puking, shaking and the pain in my bones, almost like I was coming off of drugs. Maybe that's because when I puke I don't keep my meds down so I'm not getting that constant flow of narcotics. Fortuneatly I don't hurt enough to go get a shot but it would be nice to get one anyway just so I could keep my meds down. Anti-nausea pills don't work great on projectile vomit. The shot is soooooo amazing. It's like a miracle. One minute can't catch my breath and the room is spinning and the next minute just peaceful sleep with no problems. I love vistaril or phenergen.

I was thinking about Gladiator and how they showed trailers advertising it as the most beheadings in a movie ever. But think back to every zombie movie you've ever seen. Particularly Return of the Living Dead. And don't they even take ones head off with a baseball bat? It makes me put in Gladiator sometimes to try and count the beheadings. It's too hard because they make it clear that lots of people die but do not actually show how. No, I did not purchase this movie but, rather, stole it from my sister after she took a decent movie from me and then got robbed.

I just saw a picture of Ben Affleck smoking while walking with his wife. That's soooo Kevin Federline dude.

Normally I like reading gossip mags about celebrity's lives but I haven't picked one up for a very long time. If they didn't constantly interrupt my viewings of SNL on E! with: SPECIAL REPORT... TOM CRUISE AND KATIE HOLMES ARE GONNA HAVE A BABY CONFIRMED BY THEIR PUBLICIST... or ASHTON KUTCHER AND DEMI MOORE WED IN A SECRET TRADITIONAL KABALAH CEREMONY. I wish they would play SNL on a special channel so that I didn't have to see that bullshit. Who really gives a shit?

I mean there is not that much difference between celebrity lives and Jerry Springer guests except movie stars are prettier.

Think of Kate Hepburn and Spencer Tracy. Didn't he have a wife that he refused to divorce because he was a devout catholic? Full on Jerry Springer shit right there. I could go on and on but everyone's heard it before.

bye,

- M.W.

Up Too Late Again. SERENITY SPOILERS (barely though but if you want to watch don't read the last few paragraphs.)

2005-10-02T02:58:00.000-07:00

Story of my life.

Had sex last night. Would have been amazing. Well, it was amazing until I realized that the condom broke. Now I'm worried and can't sleep. It sucks.

It feels like even when I try to relax and just go with what life gave me and be happy about what I have is when I always have something bad given to me instead. Does that mean I am not allowed to just be calm and not worry? Because the second I stop worrying is when this shit happens. It's becoming a routine.

I just don't understand why. Am I that terrible of a person? Can I not just be happy without feeling guilty? I'm beginning to believe so.

Maybe I'll relax when I realize bad things are going to constantly happen to me no matter how much I focus on the wonderful things that happen. I know this is a totally stupid and selfish point of view. I just want to have a long period of time where nothing at all has to happen in order for me to be "normal". I would love six months but even one would do. I also know just by hoping for that much "normal" time means there is no chance it will ever happen.

Yes, that is a completely negative view of my life. It's how I feel right now though. Here comes the big What If...

What if I give my husband a disease? I am supposed to wait for December to have another PAP and bloodwork. I know I should have just not had sex at all, even with latex protection, to avoid this current state of worry. It's just not right or fair that my husband should have to go without sex because of what happened to me. I just got tired of only giving hand jobs. He is so sweet and always says it's sexy. I just wanted it to be like we were a happy couple without any big problems. See how selfish I am?

I just want a happy life and marriage with him. I guess if we're going to be married until we die than (or is it then?) six months without penetration is really not a long time.

alright, enough self pity for one night.

We saw Serenity today and I thought it was perfect. It's the first time we went to the new theater in Lacey and that was fun. Oh, except the fact that I bought my tickets online and the most idiotic people in the world were in line in front of me for the machine where you pick up your tickets. You know those ads where you don't have to wait in line or worry about getting to the show too early? Well, we missed the beginning of the movie so I complained afterwards and got two free passes for another show.

When I went to the guest services counter and made my complaint the woman said "For the future you can always come in here and pick up your tickets if you buy them on Fandango." I then had to state the obvious: Why, then, is there no sign or indication that it's an option to do that?

Other than that the show was great. It picked up where Firefly ended and was just like the next episode. Except it was two hours and with a lot more conclusion as to what each character's role in the show was. It explained pretty much everything that wasn't clear in the series. I think it would be a great continuing plot. Like the Star Trek movies. It has great potential for many more story lines. The story of Rain was not what I expected which was nice. It was a unique part and she had beautiful scenes. It was extremely well written and all the actors were amazing. Two characters from the series were killed off which seems to be a constant in the Joss Whedon universe.

I know I'm repeating myself but it just left so many openings for new stories without leaving you wondering. It concluded everything but left room for entirely new ideas. Three characters had ending lines that were, what seemed to me, obvious leads for new screenplays. Pure genius.

I just can't describe what I'm thinking so if it sounds confusing sorry. But, you should really go see it for yourself. I would definitely recommend renting the Firefly series, if you haven't seen them already, before going to watch Serenity.

That's all,

Jami

- M.W.

Could it be that I feel okay today?

2005-09-29T23:47:00.000-07:00

Even though we had to drive to and from Portland yet again today, I feel decent anyway.

Maybe it's the meds but I read two blogs from two friends that really got me a little motivated. I'm almost sure not much will come of it but it's a nice change of feelings.

Both my husband and I had to have a medical exam for our auto accident that happened FOUR YEARS AGO TODAY and is so past the point of me giving a crap anymore. The doctor was pretty nice for a neuro doc but, during the interview part of the exam, he said something about my eyes being strangly droopy. Before I could finish my sentence about how I had gotten about only three or four hours of sleep last night he turned to my husband and said, and I quote, "Have you noticed her eyes? We call those bedroom eyes."

Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't bedroom eyes a term used to describe a look that makes you want to go to the bedroom and have sex? I'm positive it isn't a medical term.

Oh, the best part was when he was done with the physical exam. I told him I didn't want to take my clothes off and he said fine. He did all those lame neuro tests first. Walking back and forth, checking my reflexes, checking my sense of touch, how far I could bend every way possible and then to finish off I was on my stomach lifting my legs as far as possible for me and then he said "Allright, we're all done here" and patted my ass!

I didn't feel like he was a perv or anything but it was still weird. Neurologists are generally a strange breed of doctor but that was the weirdest thing I've ever had happen. I mean without feeling like I was being molested or anything. My husband was in the room and when he left to get us some water the doc made sure the door was opened and was very careful to not touch me. He even left the room to look for my husband because he was taking so long. My husband actually got lost because this hospital had the worst floor plan ever. My husband was looking the other way when he did that but he was still in the room.

I'm sure he had suspicions about my TMJ care because during the interview he went through a list of doctors I had seen and when he got to the TMJ doc he said "I suppose that was with Burgess" and kind of rolled his eyes and said we'll just move on then.

So, I feel okay and will hopefully get some sleep tonight. I can dream anyway. Well, I guess I can't if I don't sleep. Is that strange that I don't dream anything except when I drift off for a few minutes? And even then they are the kind of dreams that seem totally real. Like I'm walking around the house looking for something, or trying to make my baby stop crying. I think it's weird.

Okay, off to try and sleep.

Love,

Jami

- M.W.

Glasses rule!

2005-09-28T19:59:00.000-07:00

I finally got my new glasses today. I have been without a pair for at least nine months. Which means I've been wearing contacts day and night for way too long. I'm so lucky I don't have an infection. The frames aren't my favorite but they're isn't really anywhere good to buy frames in Olympia so I got a pair of Miu Miu ones that are cute but not as cute as my broken pair. My eyes finally can breathe!

Not much else going on. I'm really tired per usual but that's about it.

Oh, I made the mistake of starting to watch Hitchikers Guide blah blah and hated the first 20 minutes so now I get to re-watch those minutes and the rest with my husband. People get so excited about that book. I've never read it and really never wanted to so I guess I'll never understand. Kind of like Monty Python. I just don't get it. I mean, I get the jokes, but, I don't think they're very funny. Well, not very many of them anyway.

Matt; according to my daughter yes he did in fact masturbate. I was confused too but asked her several times and got the same answer so unless she's really that naive I believe her. Hope school is going well. We'll talk soon I hope.

Gotta go,

me

- M.W.

Thank you Billie Joe.

2005-09-28T00:27:00.000-07:00

For being the first penis being masturbated that my daughter ever saw.

At least she said it was "gross". Yet gave me all the lovely details. Is that weird that she has no problems telling me these things? She is always very honest. Sometimes I deserve to be uncomfortable for asking questions like "Did you see people using drugs?". I'm glad we talk I just am not always going to be happy with the answer and if she didn't volunteer information I wouldn't even think about asking. Like I know people get naked a lot but I forgot to mention that to her when she went on Monday night. I will always ask from now on.

Yet, you still kick ass!

Thanks again Billie Joe.

Love,

Jami

- M.W.

Cleaned up toys about three times today.

2005-09-26T22:29:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know, I have small children. One who isn't ready to learn the fine art of picking up after himself. He always "helps" throw toys into the bins but it's fun for him. He just keeps me so busy and with my current state of exhaustion I just don't know how to manage my time.

I'm so frustrated and so tired all the time. I have literally no idea what to do. I know I shouldn't have had a child but it's also true that I couldn't live without him. He's so sweet and wonderful. He just is so active. He hasn't taken a nap for a few days now and I'm afraid he may never again. Usually nap time gives me a moment to just do a couple of very small chores but lately absolutely nothing. Oh, and he is so very grumpy around 1 or 2 in the afternoon. Which keeps me constantly holding him and not even being able to leave the room without a tantrum.

That's what it is, a tantrum. He just wants constant attention. It makes me get angry. I hate myself when I get angry in front of my children but when I'm always around them they're bound to see me that way sometimes.

Everything is a huge dilemma to me lately.

When they are sweet they are so very sweet though. My daughter is at the Green Day concert tonight and she kept calling. I wasn't able to hear anything but she shouted "I LOVE YOU MOMMY" the last time she called. I think she was trying to let me hear the concert which was impossible of course. I can't wait to see her and see what she bought me. Probably some incredibly over-priced shirt but I'll love it.

I love my children but I am very frustrated.

Love,

Jami

- M.W.

Tired and I just don't understand why.

2005-09-25T23:25:00.000-07:00

I'm so tired all the fucking time. It's dreadfully painful to do anything. Even type. I could sleep 24 hours a day if I didn't have to take care of things. You know. Being a mother and wife.

Sleeping now.

Maybe I'll talk to the doctor about it. I'm probably just anemic as usual but maybe it's worse. I just hate talking to her about any little problem. I'm afraid she'll think I'm a hypochondriac or something. I really am so exhausted all the time.

I don't think getting lots of sleep would even help. I slept a lot on Saturday. Still tired. So, that leaves me to believe that something is medically wrong. Maybe I just have some sort of cold that will eventually go away.

I don't care anymore. I just want to be normal.

bye,

- M.W.

Happy right now I am.

2005-09-21T22:31:00.000-07:00

I met Matt tonight for coffee. I think Giles says it best on Buffy when he returns from England and tells Buffy about his time there and says something like "I have a nice flat in Bath and I think I even made a new friend which I believe is statistically impossible for a man my age."

I'm still tired but I have a feeling I will have a decent nights sleep tonight. If I'm lucky I will be able to awaken on time tomorrow.

Time for what you might ask. Well, I need to be awake to take care of the kids while my husband works downstairs.

I had a really nice time even though it did feel short. I look forward to meeting him again when he gets back for a visit from college. I hope I wasn't too negative for him. I don't think I was. I was honest and I didn't feel at all uncomfortable. It was like we already knew each other.

So, to end this on a positive note, I'm happy today.

Love,

Jami

- M.W.

Spent the day in Portland at OHSU or whatever it's called.

2005-09-19T22:49:00.000-07:00

It sucked about as much as I expected. I had to go see a TMJ specialist for yet another IME and it was totally lame.

IME doctors try and diagnose what was caused by an accident but do not treat. So, basically, we got up, husband got the kids to school, nanny came over, and we spent about two hours each way driving. Luckily we didn't get caught in any traffic but it still was a major downer.

I have been so tired lately that I literally nod off while doing activities. I'm not sure what has changed to make this happen though. Nothing I can think of anyway. Still on the same meds, still depressed.

Mostly the fact that I'm taking care of my youngest child by myself has really taken it's toll. I love him, all my children, so much it hurts. But, when most mothers say that they aren't being literal. It's the only thing that has significantly changed though. I hate feeling this tired without anything to help. I don't do caffeine because it gives me headaches and makes me feel very jittery. I don't understand why there isn't some pill to alleiviate my pain but also perk me up. But, it's not like I need more medicine.

I'm not being totally lame though. I have been working so hard to make sure the baby is loved and nurtured. I just didn't think it would be so tiring. I really don't want to put him in child care because I want to be with him. Maybe when he's over two years old and needs to be more social with other kids.

It's this big moral dilemma in my head. I could put him in childcare and get more rest and be able to clean a little more without being so tired. But, if I go that route than I would just feel really guilty because I'd be here all day. It just doesn't make sense financially or ethically. He loves me and we need to be together.

My house looks really bad right now because I had to scrounge around for some paperwork, which destroyed my room even more, and the dryer isn't working so it takes three or more cycles to dry even a small load of clothes. They are piling up and it's getting insane. Just looking at the amount of work I have to do tires me out.

I've been wanting to have a garage sale but the weather has changed so I guess we'll have to put it off until next summer and probably never get around to it then. I'd go the eBay way but I have too many large items to part with. Like all my baby items that he's outgrown. I will probably end up selling the infant car seat that way though because nobody at a garage sale would pay as much as I could get for it on eBay.

So, here I go to try and rest without feeling exhausted. I know it won't happen but I have to try like I do every night.

I really want to sell my home and get a bigger one. I love my house so much though. It's just crazy at how much equity we have. If we sell we could by a much larger home for the same mortgage payments. I just don't think we'd find a better one in our neighborhood and I'm not going to leave this area unless it's to a different state.

The schools are amazing and everyone is so friendly. My son's kindergarten teacher asked my daughter if she'd be able to babysit some time. The principal at his school used to be the vice principal at her middle school. All the teachers my daughter had have loved her so much. I almost feel a little bad for some of the other students because she got a lot of attention by just being such a great person.

I'm very proud to have raised someone so special.

Not much else on my mind except to find some sort of legal perk me up, which won't happen, and someway to clean my house without neglecting my son or hurting myself. I've tried maids, several actually, and none of them was worth the money. I know I should probably start the search again but that's too tiring to think about right now. Although just looking at the mess around me is stressful. Sometimes I think if I hire one of those people who helps organize your clutter that it would be better than a maid. I just don't know where to start when it comes to organization.

AAAAAHHHHHH! The frustration of it all is killing me! :(

I'm going to go now.

Oh, Matt, I sent you an email and thank you so much for thinking of me.

Love,

jami

- M.W.

My husband doesn't understand me or my motives.

2005-09-17T02:02:00.000-07:00

He is making me very frustrated and he doesn't understand why.

I'm so pissed at myself and him right now for feeling so horrible that I can't even post what I wanted to.

I'm having double vision which is really weird when typing so if there are any errors that is why.

That must mean I'm actually going to fall asleep now.

Love,
Sad and depressed and lonely Jami

- M.W.

Babies are not what I want to be doing today.

2005-09-16T10:08:00.000-07:00

I'm just really exhausted from the baby. Without the nanny it's been terrible. I know that I shouldn't rely on another person to care for my children but, I'm not a normal healthy human being. I shouldn't pretend that it should be easy for me.

I don't know how to write this. I'm trying really hard to focus on the positive aspects of being with my baby 24 hours a day every fucking day of the week. Okay, so that wasn't a positive statement but I don't care. I know there are a million other mothers out there that take care of more than one under school age child without any help but they probably don't have the physical pain that I do. Maybe some of them do. I don't know and really don't care.

I need to stop comparing my quality of life with that of other people. I have a real and very painful disability and will never be able to do what other mothers do. My house will never be as clean as it should. Or as I want it to be. Some days I have to call my husband upstairs to lift my baby every time he needs to be picked up because of the pain it causes me to do it myself. That includes: Diaper changings, feedings, being held to soothe him, picking him up after he climbs onto something dangerous and so much more!

I suppose I'm lucky to have my husband working at home and able to help with everything as much as he does. It's just that after he's done working for the day I just give up. I have no energy for anything. Which means that he's working all day and then taking care of the baby all night while I rest when I should be taking care of the house. He also takes care of the house but since it's when he's with the baby not everything gets done. Then, it piles up so I have to wash clothes ALL WEEKEND or he has to do about three loads of dishes to get caught up. The kitchen floor is my biggest problem. I just absolutely cannot bend in anyway to clean anything below the counters. For some reason using a broom or a mop hurts almost more than anything.
This just means that I can't do much of anything and the things I can do I can only do for a short amount of time. When will this end? Never? I don't think I can handle that. I just need a big break from my life.

I love all my children so much. So much that I devote all my energy into being with them. This is a problem as you can tell in that huge paragraph. I'm not going to change though. I am not willing to. I will not neglect my children just so I can have a clean home. I just get paranoid that visitors will judge me when they don't fully understand why my home isn't immaculate.

I am just upset right now. I'm frustrated, angry, depressed and tired.

Positivity will have to be saved for another day. My husband and I are going out on Saturday to have some drinks with some friends. I am really looking forward to the night without children. I feel like I haven't had a night and day away from them in an eternity. I love them so much but I feel to be a completely devoted parent that I have to have breaks periodically at the least. I feel like I've been yelling too much and need to calm down.

Shit, it's started again.

Bye,

Jami

- M.W.

Driving.

2005-09-13T16:27:00.000-07:00

I know I should be able to drive but I can't. I picked my daughter up from school the other day. Maybe Thursday. She goes to Olympia High and it's literally less than a quarter of a mile away from our home. It still scared me to death. I was shaking when I got home. Not gone even three minutes and I realized that I really am unable to drive. I couldn't get comfortable enough to feel secure. My car felt really big. And I love my car so much.

A lot of it is I find it very difficult to back out of my driveway when headed East. West is a bit better because I'm not illegally backing into the wrong lane of traffic. There is also an S curve going East. That makes it really difficult to see cars coming around the corner. Also, even though most people are very obediant of the speed limit, there are a few drivers that always speed. I've noticed it is usually the same few vehicles. A couple of cars and then a couple of motorcycles. Usually later in the evening but I've also noticed it other times of the day as well.

I thought most of my problem with driving was that I was worried about all the medicine I take and that I wouldn't be able to trust my instincts. But, it's so much more than that. I can't drive when the seat is back as far as I need to be comfortable. I also can't drive when I am uncomfortable. So, I spend so much time trying to adjust my seat so that I will be able to drive comfortably. It just never lasts long enough. If I have to drive I can probably go as far as Safeway. Maybe Fred Meyer at the farthest, but any farther than that, which is a few miles, then I get tired or have pain. The drowsiness is the worst. I actually start drifting off to sleep while driving.

What is really terrible is having to rely on others to take me everywhere. I hate having to depend on others but, needing to is not a good feeling. Even when it's my husband. He shouldn't have to take me to every lame ass doctor appointment or go to the store every time I need something. He never complains that I can think of anyway. I just feel so bad that I'm causing this waste of his time. He usually says that he'd be taking care of the baby anyway so it's not like he could do anything useful. It just feels weird.

Like now that I enrolled my youngest son in swim lessons with my best friends daughter, I feel guilty that she has to drive. I mean it's not like she has ever complained about taking me anywhere. It just makes me worry that she has this burden of driving every time. It's even more important now that my daughter is starting ballet tomorrow because my husband will have to take her and so there would be no way that I could drive myself even if I was able to. It's like I hate to ask for anything from anyone at all. Especially people I love. I'm afraid if I do it will make them not like or love me as much because I'm too needy.

I know it's stupid because when people love you they don't stop. And, they tell you if you're behaving in a way that they don't like. That's how I feel towards everyone I love. If anyone I loves asks for anything I will give it if I have to give. As long as my bills are paid then I don't care too much about money. I mean I want to start saving for the boys but I'm not too worried about it. If someone needed help with money I would give everything I have.

My son just woke up and is a real grump. He had an unusually happy afternoon because M stopped by with little G and for some reason the had a lot of fun. Not that they don't but they seemed to interact more than they have before. I guess people just assume that babies like to play with other babies. But, especially until they learn how to get around well by crawling or walking, they usually ignore each other. So, often it's harder to take care of two babies about the same age but T & G have been doing wonderful together lately.

Okay, I'm going to go now and worry if people like me or not.

Love,

- M.W.

Feeling so very old.

2005-09-07T21:02:00.000-07:00

I haven't purchased new music in a very long time. Probably nothing created after 1994. I've bought CD's but they are all older music. One exception but, it's by a band that made it big before 1994.

I don't care much for many new television programs or movies. I keep watching the same things over and over.

My body aches and I just feel old.

My idea of "fun" has changed significantly over the last six years. It's strange.

I'm tired so much of the time. I don't have any big goals to try and achieve anymore.

I'm just very tired.

Bye,

Jami

- M.W.

Negative.

2005-08-30T15:41:00.000-07:00

[The red text was written yesterday 8/30/2005]
Yes, the first set of tests are all negative. I have something called HPV which is apparently some new test they run and women who have abnormal paps usually have this. My doctor tried to explain it to me and assured me it wasn't herpes which is HSV or something.

The way I understood it, from our very brief conversation, is that I have to get another pap in six months and then if it's abnormal we deal with it. It's such a new test though that there is no way to know when or how I got it.

It makes me feel a little less stress anyway.

Other than that I'm just tired. Tired of everything and nothing. Tired of not getting anything accomplished. Tired of my messy house. Tired of playing with the baby. I know that's a terrible mom thing to say but it's true. So, why not say it?

I've experienced this with all my children though. The only difference is with the other two I had this enormous urge to work or get more college credits. This time I just don't want to be a mommy all day every day but I also don't want to work. I just don't know what I want to do.

I mean I couldn't go back to work even if I wanted to. My body could not handle sitting at a desk for more than 30 minutes or so at a time and I am just not capable of doing anything physical. I couldn't even be a drink server.

I say that because I have thought of occupations where I could excel at and they've basically been: 1. bartending - because I would love making pretty drinks and I love talking to people but the reality is that most people don't order pretty drinks and I can't lift anything heavy (meaning kegs) and standing for that long would probably not be any better than sitting. 2. Working in a video store - because I love movies and I've always thought it would be cool, or even at a porn store to see who came in mostly but, the reality is that I would probably have a lame ass boss when I am experienced enough to run my own company and again the standing and stocking things for too long. 3. Night nurse in the maternity ward - because I do love babies and I think it would be nice to help new parents learn or just watching people falling in love with their new additions but, the reality is that I would have to completely redo school and most likely lots of nurses want the maternity ward and I'm just going out on a limb here but there would probably be lots of sad or unsettling things happening like crack babies, still births, people you know that won't make it as parents. 4

[This part of the text was written today 8/31/2005]

I don't even remember what I wrote yesterday other than I think I was frustrated.

I had a really great time with my friend tonight. We went out for dinner and drinks as per usual except we haven't done this in a very long time due to vacations and other conflicts.

I just forgot how nice it is to do this with her. My husband watches our children and we go out for about 3 hours and just talk and have a nice time. I know, it's not the most imaginative use of our free time, but, we have fun, real fun! Something I've been missing for a long time now.

I'm not sure when we last went out but it's been long enough for me to forget when.

That's all I have to say. I really missed hanging out with M but I've been so busy with child and other crap that doesn't matter that I forgot that just being with her either alone or with our children is so much fun and lightens up my heart.

Love,

Jami

- M.W.

I'm not pregnant but not sure I'm healthy.

2005-08-25T20:07:00.000-07:00

So, I was over two weeks late and so stressed that I finally went to the doctor on Monday so she could do a pregnancy test. I know, I have a tubal, but, even so I felt like I might have been pregnant. I got my period yesterday so my second confirmation that my life is just going to get better.

Even though it's not a regular cycle, very light bright red bleeding, it's still a period and it makes me feel better. More relaxed for the first time in about a month.

I'm not exactly happy though. Well, not happy at all. I still have to wait for some test results that are stressing me when I shouldn't worry about it.

I've been trying to do my daughters taxes that are about ten days overdue and I keep coming up with an amount she owes that I think is wrong. I'm really pissed at Turbo Tax. I thought it would be easier than downloading the forms I need from the irs but it totally sucks. It won't just let me pick forms. It wastes all this time asking needless questions when I should have just done the forms like I know how to do. I am almost at the point where I want to just go to a tax advisor but I don't trust them very much either.

I mean, I know exactly how to do it, it's just sooooo time consuming and so called "tax specialists" aren't all that special. And, they charge $4 to $6 per every stock sale and I have 60 lines to enter. Which I entered into turbotax but I just don't trust it.

The big problem is I need some money. I've spent at least over a $1,000 on activities and extra things for her but I need to get all the receipts together to get reimbursed. I hate stressing about money especially when I really shouldn't have to. I just got a little behind and her birthday was last Friday and I had to make sure she had a nice one. It was very nice.

We took her to Red Robin, so I only had to pay for my family and three of her friends. She got a free meal from that email sign up so I didn't have to worry about that. I was actually surprised. It was only about $60 for my husband, the two little boys, three teenage girls and myself. There were at least 12 other girls that showed up but I told my daughter if others came they had to pay for themselves.

So, to sum up my life. Still have horrible anxiety and still very much depressed. I have no focus but a ton of crap to do. And yes, it's crap!

I'm not enjoying very much that normally would. I'm a little distracted by the fact that "Serenity" is coming to the theater on September 30th. But normally I would be elated and want to talk and talk about it. I just don't really care right now.

I feel like I'm being punished. I know I deserve bad things to happen to me. I just don't think this is how I should be punished. I don't know exactly how I should be punished but living like this is not the way.

Plus I'm almost out of meds and I'm really in a lot of pain.

Oh, I also have to call a new therapist/counselor or I'll get punished in a different way. I don't even know how to start this conversation.

I just want a chance to relax. Really relax. Not have any worries. Not be scared of anything. No tears. Stop being torn apart.

Love,

Jami

- M.W.

Happy Birthday

2005-08-12T23:59:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry with all my drama I didn't post that for you. So, old man, what now?

I know you hate the movie I'm watching while you sleep but I love it. I am not saying the movie is any good. Any good at all really. Well, it deserves an oscar compared to that Kevin Costner shit.

I just wish you were more into late '60's early '70's muscle cars like me. Then we could drive around in my '69 camaro which I don't own yet but would definately have by now if you were into them too.

Go to sleep, I love you so much,

Jami

Can't make anybody even my husband happy.

2005-08-12T21:45:00.000-07:00

How do you make someone happy?

Power of Suggestion maybe?

Like right now, it's his birthday and he won't tell me what he wants or wants to do because of money or lack of money.

He's been working real hard and I just don't have the strength to make him feel that false feeling of hope and happiness right now.

It's like I'm a tired old whore. I want to make him happy but my batteries have run dead. I have no sexual desire for obvious and not so obvious reasons.

Why does sex have to make someone happy? It seems to always work and what I've been used to for at least the last eighteen years of my life. Sex = happy.

Go figure that one out for awhile

Jami (who is drunk at the moment)

- M.W.

I sure can talk good talk.

2005-08-11T20:41:00.000-07:00

Got a voucher for a free trip due to my very annoying complaining about my flight home last week(?).

Not that first class is this mysterious private club that only the rich and spoiled go but I don't fly that way to find myself sitting in a seat full of crumbs and freezing my ass off without a blanket.

Wow! That did sound spoiled didn't it? Still I like getting free things. Haven't told my husband yet because then he'll ask why I didn't complain for him so I'll probably not use it anyway. I just really want to lay on a beach for a minute each day for three days. Then I want to go get my Corona and drink the day away.

I'm dreading another phone call I have to make. I just feel so stupid. I want out for a while. I want to sit in my friends apartment while he's at work and feel the warm sun on me. Two days? Just enough time to forget what my problem is. Or even worse what it may be. Plus I can deal with that problem a little easier and more private there.

So, tired. But the dreams keep coming. Nightmares. Changing my view on reality. I'm not even sure what really happened anymore. If at all I was ever sure.

this sucks,

Jami

- M.W.

Not happy.

2005-08-11T15:37:00.000-07:00

Can't really say why.

Something just got me really depressed. It's too embarrasing to talk about even here. I thought I was immune. I guess my lack of strength has really paid off.

I just want to take the time to thank my body for being so weak and fucked up. Yet, looking completely normal and apparently even attractive to some decent men.

I've been in more pain than usual and not sure how to deal with it. I know I spend too much time in bed but unlike idiot PT's exercise is not always the answer.

Neither is what I've been doing with my time but I'm especially depressed about my fucked up back. I have not an ambition in the world right now.

I want to go back to CA and just spend my days catching up on movies and maybe even spending time in the sun. I know my husband would never have it. I just want to be alone. With my meds this time. I think I'd feel better just being lazy and not worrying about time for a while.

Believe it or not I do worry about it constantly. Every day passes by and I have done nothing. Sometimes I just get sad about it. When I try to get anything done I remember how useless I have become. Why do I need to do things? I can't even bring myself to talk to anyone about this.

I'm real stupid and I know it. I just wish I could be someone else for a while. I wish I could take back time. I wish I had season 2 of Tru Calling.

I mostly wish I was dead right now.

Sorry for the false happiness. I think it was true at the time.

Just not anymore,

jami

The Admiral turns 1 year old today! I'm happy!

2005-07-26T15:09:00.000-07:00

I feel very happy today and my last baby is having his first birthday. We're just having the grandparents and the nanny for some BBQ and cake. I wish M and little G could come but they are on vacation so we'll just take lots of pictures and videos so the can see him eating his first bite of cake.

I haven't been in this good of mood for a good long while. I miss my best friend but I'm still in a good, no, great mood. Very unusual for me.

I hope it lasts a little while at least. I'm happy that it's my sons birthday. I'm happy that my husband and I are going to San Diego, alone, Thursday. I'm happy that M and I both get back to Olympia the same day. That means we'll both hopefully feel up to seeing each other next week. I'm happy that I have my family. My husband, daughter and two sons.

I realized that I pretty much have everything I have wished for. I'm not saying I'm going to be happy the rest of my life. It's my nature to get depressed for stupid reasons but I'll always feel blessed to have my dream.

And it's almost literally my dream come true. I mean, I always talk about how all I ever wanted was to have my own family. Meaning I would be a stay at home mom with four kids and a husband that had a nice job so that he could take care of us. Of course everything isn't exactly how I planned. Three children instead of four, I'm injured so I'm not as active as I want to be in the raising of the kids and I'm in Olympia still. But, in spite of all that has gone wrong, I'm living my dream. There were just some wrong turns along the way but I'm back on the highway and am truly happy.

I'm getting very excited about M and I taking the little ones to swim class. We were waiting until we all got back home so I think she's going to look into the ones at Evergreen and I'll still keep my eye on the YMCA here so maybe if we don't like one we can try the other when G turns 10 months which is very soon anyway.

So, I'm never going to stop being a worrier and probably will still stress over things that I really don't need to be, but, today none of that matters. I am very happy almost elated to be living.

Love to all who have made this dream reality for me. And a very special hug and kiss to my best friend for always being there and helping me learn to feel again. I know she doesn't realize what a big part she played in me becoming me. She has no idea how just being in here presence when I'm down can lift me up again. So thank you M for being my best friend in the whole world. I think it's safe to say that we're going to make it for the long haul.

Love,

Happy Jami

- M.W.

Since that last post was so long...

2005-07-25T19:52:00.000-07:00

I thought it would be a good idea to wait a week to post again.

We had great fun visiting our friends in Morgan Hill. Which is basically 20 to 30 minutes southeast(?) of San Jose.

First we went to Portland really late. I want to say we got there around 12:30 or 1:00 am and I thought our plane left at like 9:45AM but it was really 11:45AM but it all worked out anyway. We stayed at the Holiday Inn which was actually very nice. And, since I woke everyone up at 7 we got to eat breakfast at the restaurant in the hotel. It was almost the best belgian waffle I've ever had. Very pleasantly surprising and I almost want to go and stay there again just because it's a nice place.

It had very clean and nicely decorated rooms, a very interesting pool set up that was on the lower floor but you could see it from the hallways. It was basically set up like a little lagoon with some waterfalls in the middle of the downstairs room next to the restaurant. I feel like I'm not doing it justice with this shitty description.

I think the only downside was that it was by the airport so not a nice stay if you wanted to hang around downtown Portland but sitll very cool. Plus my husband went to the store down the street to get milk for the baby and there were four strip joints all within seeing radius so you know it's a classy place to hang out for a while. :)

The children were lovely on the plane ride to San Jose Airport. Unfortuneatly we were spread out on the plane but it worked out. My husband sat with the baby in the back of the plane and he had the baby on his lap in the front carrier and they slept most of the way. I sat with my sweetie little four year old who scared me by saying over and over "Look how high we are mommy!". For those of you who don't know me I detest flying. I take a bunch of valium and deal but I don't like to. Anyway, he was perfectly well behaved and the man sitting on the other side of me was very nice and tried to calm me down by explaining how we were sitting in the safest part of the plane. I hate it when people talk to me about planes especially while we're on it. He was very nice to try to calm me though and it wasn't a very long conversation as I was pretty zonked onyway. My daughter sat across from me in the aisle seat and read her new Harry Potter book the entire way there.

So aanyway we got there got our rental car and checked into another amazing hotel. It was a nice suite with a 24 hour pool which really didn't matter since we were there to see our friends. She completely surprised her husband and drove him to the hotel and knocked on the door and they were both very happy to see us. Especially him because he had no idea who had come. We went back to their home, which was lovely and in a nice neighborhood and ordered pizza. We had good conversation and good food watched some TV and then went back later to the hotel.

Saturday was fun for the boys and my daughter who all went to Paramount Great America Theme Park or something like that and all got sunburned except the toddler. Even my daughter got a little red and she almost never burns I think because of her already naturally darker skin. While they did that all day my friend and I spent the day with our babies. Hers is only two months younger than mine and they were sooooo cute together!

I know we didn't have much time together but it was nice to not have the normal everyday worries for that time. It did make me relax a little but I still had my pain and it was hard to do everything I needed to while the guys were away. My friend was so sweet and didn't even wake me when I nodded off. She had really nice home made baby food that the Admiral ate all up. My daughter wants us to get this recipe book for babies that they had there. I would never have thought of making sweet potato with leeks and cheese for my baby but he gobbled it all up.

I just wish I could have been there longer and able to help better. She helped me more than I could have even asked for but never had to. I love that she took care of me and my baby for a while. It was a weird feeling though because I thought of myself as the one that takes care of babies. I mean, it's sort of what I do. I love to do it even though I never have much strength there is just something in me that allows my body to take care of babies and I love it. I guess that's why I love M's baby so much. She allows me to take care of a little girl for a change and I love every minute with that little girl almost as much as I love my children.

It was strange because when we first got there I immediately took our friends baby from her because I'm so used to little G but my friends baby started crying and almost screaming immediately. I felt awkward because G never gets mad at me or is scared of me. I honestly can't think of any baby that didn't like me immediately. I kept wondering what was wrong with me. Why didn't this baby like me? What was wrong with me?

She got over it though and eventually my friend was okay to go to the store and leave me with her baby as well as mine.

It really made me miss M & G so much. It also made me wonder if it's because I'm around her so much that she just knows that I'm always there for her and love her and love being with her. Maybe she remembers that I was there on her birthday. I wish I would have been there during her birth because I've never seen it before. It just makes me happy that my best friend and I have babies so close together that in a year the age difference won't even be noticeable. I really hope they get along as well as our California counterparts did.

Those two played together and only cried once! Once my friends baby took my baby's binky out of his mouth and tried to figure out how to use it. He didn't even care. He was just having fun digging through her pile of toys and never even tried to get it back. I can't wait to see how M's baby and my baby interact when she can move around better.

My baby is full walking now. Our CA friends baby is half walking half crawling so they were a little closer as far as motor skills go. Maybe that's it though. I'm sure M's baby is going to be walking sooner than I can blink. I wish she would be here tomorrow for his birthday but she's on vacation until August 1st and I know they had to go but I still am missing them.

Okay, I must be just missing M and her family because I'm getting a little down now. But, I am so happy that I have her in my life. Also, I'm going to San Diego Thursday and we won't be back until the 1st of August ourselves.

I'm tired.

Love,

Jami

- M.W.

I have the power and I need to remember that.

2005-07-18T22:40:00.000-07:00

Yet, somehow, I still manage to let him have power over me. Not even anyone special. Just some asshole that can still make me so upset I shake and cry. I'm not a crier either.

I spent another good couple of hours today worrying about why this asshole has such power over me. Why do I let myself be bothered by him so?

I tried to figure this out too long today. I talked to a friend about it on the phone and when we got done I just went in the bathroom and sat on the floor and cried until my husband asked me why it took me so long to take a shit.

I think the biggest part of it is that at least more than a year ago he emailed me out of nowhere telling me that he can't have me around him anymore because I'm such a negative loser who mistakes honesty for an excuse to hurt people. Oh, and basically that I was bringing my husband down with me so that he wasn't a fun person anymore but that I was turning my husband into a "downtrodden" man that wasn't such a good person anymore.

I don't see myself like that and my husband has never been "downtrodden" even at his worst. I think that when I am in a situation where he is at the same event as I am that I get so angry and upset that I do turn into a mean person because I actually want to get violent with him and scream and yell and tell the world how bad he hurt me. He fucked me in such a bad way and, at the time, many years ago, when I confronted him about it he looked at me like I was crazy and actually said "that never happened". I have at least one witness to the tamest of what he did to me and I'm so afraid to tell anyone or talk about it because I honestly believe he will be the person that people believe and not me.

Most people think I just hate him. That I really don't have a reason other than he was mean and rude to me and my family. I can't believe I am so afraid of him. I'm not afraid of anyone!

I haven't been afraid of anyone since I gave up the will to live whenever my ex-husband tried to kill me.

I'm trembling right now because of this one little gnat that doesn't matter to this world at all. I am afraid of him. I'm afraid if I talk about it that nobody will believe me or, even worse, if they do believe me they won't think it's that big of a deal.

It's been over two days since I saw him and I still can't shake the feeling he gave to me. He made me hurt my best friends feelings. Just by being in my vicinity he made my voice so angry that even my words to her came out wrong. I'm so glad she understood but I still couldn't talk to her about why he makes me tremble and yell and cry and have bad dreams.

I used to have this other friend that I loved dearly for a long time. When I first met my husband she was all over me telling me what a horrible man he was and I needed to stay away from him. She got mad whenever I went out with him instead of her and always had to talk to me until she got an answer she could deal with.

Once, when I went out with her, her boyfriend, her other friend and her other friends boyfriend I called my now best friend's house because I was bored at Red Robin with two couples and me without a date. My then future husband happened to be there and begged M to get me to come over because this other girl was there totally hitting on him and he was a little afraid of her.

So, long story short, I had my friends bf drop me off at M's house and I spent the night there. I had the most wonderful time with future hubby and M and her future hubby. I also had the most awesome sex and a great party atmosphere happening even though there were only the five of us there. I think it was a major turning point into having Shanon want to start dating me and me alone.

Okay, so this friend of mine called M's house and was furious that I even was there and then imagine how much more angry she got when I told her I was going to spend the night at M's instead of her house.

But, now think about this, at C's apartment I was with two couples who wanted to watch Monty Python's Holy Grail or whatever and none of them were fun. They didn't talk at all and it was very uncomfortable not to mention super boring for me. She didn't even think about this while she was making out with her boyfriend. At M's house we were in full party mode. Drinking, smoking, listening to music, watching TV and talking and laughing. And of course, eventually, having sex.

Did C ever think that maybe I'd be happier with a man instead of being the fifth wheel watching a movie I didn't even like. I know, I know, everyone likes Monty Python. I don't. I don't mind watching it if it's in a fun environment like at M's but not when I don't have anyone to make out with.

So after that night I was no longer friends with C. It really sucked too because in the morning I went to her house because we were going to drive to the Gorge to watch a music festival. She was bitching and crying and saying I ditched her and wouldn't even go to the concert with me. This was great because I paid like $60 for both tickets and didn't even get my money for her ticket yet. I never got it but I didn't care.

She actually made it so I had to choose Shanon or her. Any friend that gives an ultimatum about choosing boyfriends or even friends is going to be the one that is out of my life. She gave me this question. "Is it going to be me who cares about you or that drug addict that's just going to be an abusive creep to you?"

One drug addicted abusive creep coming up.

I'm not actually sure of the order of things because I know she came to the mental hospital on visiting hour to get mad at me for not telling her my ex-husband was beating the crap out of me and that I wanted to die. She was actually mad at me for not telling her about my shitty life. I was protecting her. At least in my fucked up mind at the time I was. Had my ex known about me having any friends than it was possible he would physically harm them and that's why I did my best to never have many friends and the ones I did have I cared for deeply so they could never come to my home. Even though we had separated he still cared enough for me to come by every now and then for the occasionaly rape, beating and I'm sorry sweetie session.

Whatever the order of things were I just plain stopped talking, calling and visiting her. My ex was not going to come back anymore, I had made what would turn out to be the best friend I've ever had in my entire life and also met and fell in love with my wonderful husband. I was emotionally in a decent place. Although looking back on my life it took many, many years until I became as normal as I will ever get.

She couldn't deal with this. She called me one day and I'm not sure if I answered the phone or she left a message but she said she was moving and having a garage sale and she was going to sell the things she had that were mine unless I met with her. She had a couple of super cute dresses and some other things that I don't remember what they were now that I did really want back. So I went to this mexican restaurant to meet her where she already had a table and some food. I bought a soda stood next to her and asked for my stuff. She said she needed "closure" first. She started asking all these lame questions like "Why did you hurt me like that?" and "You know Shanon is just going to be as abusive as TJ was so why do you want to dump me for him?" and the best of all, the ultimatum "If you see Shanon anymore then I can't be friends with you." I said "Okay, I'm with Shanon. Can I have my stuff now?" to that last question and she started freaking out but soon got up, went out to her car where I followed and threw my stuff at me. I think she was still trying to talk to me as I got in my car and just left.

I don't know if that's rude, but, to me, we already had closure. We didn't talk to each other or see each other anymore. It had been at least a couple months if not more when that meeting took place so wasn't are "closure" already taken care of? Also, I don't think that Shanon was the cause of our dissapating friendship. She was a very manic/depressive person. Emphasis on the depressive. And I am a wonderful friend but I can only be asked so many times "Why don't any men like me or find me attractive?" or "Do you think I'm ugly/fat and men are just so superficial that they can't love me?" before I go insane. She also had tons of freak outs that I was there to calm her down from. I mean she was my friend and at one time I would have done anything for her but it just got to a point where she was always depressed and needed serious professional help. I just wasn't able to be honest with her. Yes, she did look fat sometimes. She lost a bunch of weight and then she started dating more men.

That's why I love M so much. She actually listens to me and I can always tell her what's up with me. We don't judge each other. I've done plenty of stupid things and M is always there to cheer me up without telling me I was stupid. C wasn't like that. Ever. C always judged my choices and if I didn't take her advice she freaked. M doesn't always take my advice and I don't always take hers but we don't judge each other or freak out or really we never get mad at each other. Twice I can think of and that counts my idiocy on Saturday but that lasted like 30 seconds so only once and it was stupid because we both missed each other and both wanted to talk to each other about why were feeling upset and it turned out it wasn't even anger. To tell you the truth I think I know what it was about but I'm not positive.

I've changed a lot since I've met M but we both have remained true to that thing that makes us friends. Honesty. Sincerity. Love. Happiness. I would do anything in the world for M. All I want from her are those four things and for her to always be my friend. I now it sounds so middle school but I want to be friends forever. I don't know how we got to where we are but I'm so glad we did. She's the one person who has never let me down in the almost ten years we've known each other.

When we very first met I think she didn't like me and I got a strange feeling from her. We didn't even formerly meet until a party or some get together at C's house. So I never regret having C as a best friend for so long because if I wasn't then I wouldn't have had a chance to meet my true best friend.

It's like a long line of choices of who to be friends with that led to me and M. Now I pretty much only have M left. I mean, like I've said probably in every entry before this one, that I do have other friends and people I like but there is not another soul on this planet that I could tell all my dirty little secrets to or cry in front of or just be boring around. I think that's another reason I know we're going to be with each other a long time. Because we can hang at each others houses without having to worry about entertaining. Sometimes we could go to each others home and take a nap. I just like it when M is in my home.

So, I'm sad that this man who is scaring me is friends with M. I don't care if they are friends or not but I'm scared he's going to give her the "ultimatum" or that he'll tell her something that will make her not like me or best of all I'll just be too much trouble for her and she'll stop inviting me over because it's easier to invite him. Like if she has a party or just a little get together or something. My rational mind tells me this would never happen but the feeling I got when I saw him is telling me that I'm insane and crazy and am turning into a person like C and she's going to leave me. I know it's stupid and I know I should just stop thinking about it but that's what's got me in this fucking freak out.

I believe this man has the power over my life to take away the one person in it who I care about and love the most. I think I need professional help. I'm shaking right now for fear of losing M.

And no, the love I share with my husband is different and I'm not afraid of losing that. And if all I was left with for friends was Shanon then that would have to do. But you can ask him yourself. When M and I weren't talking for a long time however many years ago all I could do was cry all night and ask him why M didn't like me anymore and should I call her or what should I do. I think I drove him to the point of insaneness. I honestly wanted to pick up the phone every day but in the end it was her that called me. How lame is that? I was too afraid that she'd already moved on and didn't have the courage to ask her? How is it that I deserve her friendship?

Honestly right now I know I am still her best friend but I would never go more than a couple days without talking to her. I know it in my heart because she's been through lots of best friends that all turned out to either turn on her or insane or for whatever reason stopped talking and now she's my best friend. But just saying what I did makes me feel like I'm quickly turning into one of those girls.

Shanon told me to stop worrying about it so I'm going to. Done. I just wanted to make a point that I have never had anyone like her before. I can tell her everything I do not matter how crazy or stupid it was. Shanon is right though. We are best friends and now we will probably be for even a longer time.

So, what I first started saying, is that this man who seems to have this power over me had to have what C had to have. "Closure". Otherwise he wouldn't have said those things to me in that email. Fuck, he wouldn't have emailed me at all. I mean really, we hadn't talked for however long somewhere between six months to a year and for some reason he thought he had to let know he couldn't be around me anymore? Wasn't that clear by my lack of talking to him or visiting him? Someone asked me if it was an AA step that he had to tell me that or something.

I also want to make one thing clear. Even if I write or say how much I hate him. I don't. I hate the way he has the power to make me feel this way by just being in his presence. I feel extremely stupid for letting him make me so flusterred I couldn't even get the right words out in the right tone of voice when seeing M. He had the power to get me to seem to be mean to her. I would never be mean at her.

I'm taking my power back and if I ever see that fucker somewhere unexpectedly like that again I'll be way cool. I won't get stressed and worried and someday soon I'll explain exactly what he did to make me feel that way. Almost definately not in this diary. But, I have to tell someone. Someone who will believe me and understand why my stomach gets so sick and my whole body tenses up even my voice when he's around. It's not just an email but I'm literally so afraid of not being believed or someone thinking it's not a big deal that I've held it in for a long time. I dealt with being around him many times afterwords that I never thought I'd get like this. But, now I see that my mind got extremely fucked up and maybe the email was the trigger but I am glad that I realize now that it is a big deal.

Now the power is mine and I can deal with it now. It's my problem and I will not let him make me feel this way again. I will find a way and get back to normal. But, for now, I will at least pretend to be normal if the unlikely situation happens again where he and I are in the same place at the same time again. I hurt someones feelings because I let someone take my power from me. Never again.

I'm strong but not violent. I'm tough but am full of love. I'm cautious but caring. My life has been a struggle but it makes me care so much for the people in my life that really matter. I have so much pain but I will always put others before myself.

I never want anyone, even the mean man, to go through what I've had to experience in my life. I don't want anyone's pity but I want to take care of everyone that I love and even some people I don't. I want my loved ones to call on me for anything they need. I want them to know that I will do whatever possible to help them out if they are having any troubles without expecting anything in return. I do want to be trusted and loved but I know not to expect it. Just knowing that I have relieved someones worries, problems or pain makes me feel better inside.

I want everyone to know that I am not a negative person and am always sincere. I am very honest and often come off as to harsh to those who don't know me but I never make fun of anyone. I like to joke around with people I do know but never to be hurtful. Sometimes my honesty is too much for people to handle and I wish I could explain to everyone that I am sincerely interested in getting to know new people and I think that most people just aren't used to that.

Like when I started having fun at the housewarming party there was this British man there that I was starting to enjoy talking to. I bluntly asked him something like "How's England?" and he thought I was teasing him. I just honestly wanted to know more about him since he's been at lots of parties for many years and this was the first time I've ever even heard his voice. It made me happy to talk to him.

Well, Shanon asked me how the books coming so I better finish up.

I feel a little more powerful this very moment. I hope M calls me today (it's 2:45AM). I am looking forward to our little rendevous tomorrow. My daughter and my husband will be home so they'll have fun with the babies. I love my baby so much and everyone comments on how beautiful and big his eyes are. M's baby is super cute too and just like my baby looks almost just like me, her baby girl looks just like her. She has the cutest smile I've ever seen on a baby. She open's her mouth really wide and makes one side curl up into a smile. Kind of like Pam Grier but with her mouth wide open. So so super cutie.

I love all my kids. i love my daughter and my sons. I am almost 100% back to normal depression wise where I don't constantly wish to be pregnant again. I chose my life for a reason and I'm pretty happy with my decision. Plus I need no method of birth control ever again.

I'm passing out now,

Love to all of you who know I love you,

Your friend, wife, mother and lover Jami :)

- M.W.

Why am I such a fuck up?

2005-07-17T00:00:00.000-07:00

Note: The black text represents what I was writing/feeling last night 11:30 PM, while the blue text represents my writing/feelings today at 9:20AM

First of all Mrs. M I just wanted to say how proud and amazed I am that you called me on my bullshit behaviour! Good job sweetie, you rock!

Why can't I just get past being upset at some people. Well, actually only one has this particular effect on me. It made me be mean to my best friend today. Not on purpose but I still hurt her feelings and that made me especially upset.

The day started out not well anyway. I only got about three hours total sleep last night. I fought with my husband today. My mom was mean to me. And best of all I had the feeling I was having a heart attack. I was hyperventilating and screaming and just completely losing it. Losing my sense of safety and fear of actually dying was more scared than I've been since my ex-husband tried to kill me for the first time.

My left arm all of a sudden started hurting and going numb. I panicked and almost passed out from not breathing correctly. I was so scared and my husband just told me to calm down but not in a nice way. He said there was no way I could be having a heart attack. Which isn't true but probably not likely that I would have one. And I was truly and honestly scared to death that my stress was actually giving me a heart attack or stroke or whatever.

We went to the Lakefair parade to watch my daughter performing with her drill team squad. She was so cute and pretty and did an awesome routine perfectly.

But we also had to go to our other friends housewarming party. I'll skip everything else because this takes the cake on horrible endings to a horrible day. Well, it ended well in the end but could have not if M didn't talk to me face to face. Six months ago it probably would have ended bad, maybe even three months ago.

I'm just so pissed at myself that some asshole that berated me, embarrassed me and was just plain evil to me can still piss me off just by seeing him at a function that I should have expected him to be at. Except he hasn't gone out in forever or at least I haven't seen him since my birthday in December 2003. I walked into the backyard, where everyone seemed to be, and the first thing I saw was him and his child bride of a girlfriend. And my best friend was talking to them.

If she wasn't there I would have just walked by and not said anything but I had to open my angry mouth. I wasn't angry til I saw him. What the fuck is up with that? I don't know but instead of just saying "hi" or "hey" or something sweet and short I said "oh, that dress again" in a very rude tone that was directed at him but that makes no sense because I was talking to me best friend. I think even if I had just said hi it would have sounded rude and would have been longer than just one word. Mostly because of how my mind, and body, reacted to seeing him. I guess I'm a little glad because now I know I'll turn into a nervous and rude asshole when he's somewhere too. Or, if I had known he might have been there I would have easily avoided him like I have before at my best friends party. See how awful I get just by thinking about it?

I was trying to say "Oh, you're wearing that dress again that makes you look so soft and sexy" in a nice tone and ignore the asshole and just get out of the way. But, no, I had to say something that was mean in my voice and later hope she didn't tell S & K that I was such a bitch, so she didn't think I was ignoring her too even though she probably would know why I didn't say hi at that particular moment. Plus my husband started talking to the asshole and that pissed me off. Plus after my husband ended whatever he was saying I then went on to say "I want to leave NOW Shanon" in what was also probably very rude to everyone standing there.

I know it's silly and stupid but I hate it that this inparticular asshole so much that I don't understand how my husband and best friend can even have normal conversations even after all the shit he's done and said about them so many times within the last few years.

I mean to me he's just a slimy, ugly (on the inside, well outside too in my eyes), weasley little shit who somehow got an underage girlfriend (who isn't underage anymore). So, when my husband is so talkative to him I get a little mad and just don't understand. And, when my best friend is talking to him and being happy I get jealous because I see her and because of how he treated her and also what he did to me about a year ago. And then there was an incident that I won't even open up to my husband about. One of those things where I try but the right words don't form and I just want to forget or am afraid I won't be believed.

He really hurt me and I've just never been able to talk about it. Most after he quit drinking. Maybe someday I'll feel okay and believable but right now I can't talk about it.

I did get some decent sleep though and am feeling better today. I still have that kind of anxiety feeling in my tummy that M really is still mad at me even though I know we had a talk and she couldn't be. Why does that happen? It must be something psychological. Like I literally can not wait until she comes and gets me so I can see her tell her I'm sorry again and what a complete moron I was.

She was so brave and couragess to have talked to me face to face that I think just that made her feel better sooner. She told me that and I was still flustered and couldn't explain myself and my words kept getting jumbled, at least in my mind, that I just broke out in tears and she was so sweet and took me to the bathroom and I told her that I honestly wasn't trying to be mean or sarcastic but my tone of voice was directed at the asshole and that her boobs looked even better in that gorgeous green dress. She giggled and said it was because she hadn't fed her little G for a while.

She got an entire night without her baby and I'm glad because she needed it. I hope I didn't ruin any of it for her and now I'm getting anxious again that she's going to call and cancel on me because of my behaviour. I'm actually shaking right now I'm so scared! Why am I such an idiot?

Anyway, last night/this morning around 1:30AM I had a talk with my husband and asked him to try and explain to me why he isn't mad at S anymore and can be so civil when seeing him. And, also, why I couldn't feel that same way. He said "Do you think S & K are panicking and staying up talking about us like this?" I said "No they aren't doing that." Then he kept asking me why I even give a shit and that I just need to be calm and not think about S at all.

I just can't for some reason. I know a lot of it isn't true but it put me right back in that place, at least last night, where I want to move so bad and wonder if my best friend isn't going to invite me to parties or to her house or whatever because she would rather invite S & K. I want her to know that if I knew ahead of time I would be totally fine and talk to other people and be civil to him and her (S & K).

I guess I feel like he's going to take her away from me. Then I get super sad and cry and tell my husband how much I want to move again.

That feeling especially sucks today because my husband told me yesterday afternoon how blessed we were to have this wonderful life of ours! I told him I was thinking the exact same thing! We talked for a while about how wonderful our family is and what smart, beautiful, sweet, polite and just the most amazing three children anyone could ask for. And then we talked about M and her husband because he's coming to take care of our horrible lawn and she's, hopefully, coming to take me to one of our friends baby shower.

I asked hubby how much he was going to pay B and he said that I already told B and asked me what I told him. Now, my memory is extremely bad this last week especially because of the lack of sleep so I don't remember ever doing that. I might have told M something but again don't remember. I thought $100 was fair because that's how much the professional landscaper guy charged the last time the backyard was like this. By this I mean knee tall grass, out of control sticker bushes and just plain lameness. It was right when we bought our house and the previous owner was renting it out and I don't think anyone was taking care of the lawn at all. Even in the really small front part. Plus our yard goes out for like 300 feet (my husband thinks it's 100 but he's wrong) although some of that is trees and the area past the garden beds doesn't need to be done at all.

So, I'm at this weird place emotionally. I'm still sad from last night but also happy that I have the best friend in the world. Then I start wondering if she's mad at me today or if she loves me still. It's making me crazy and I just have to calm down and take some time to relax and know in my heart that she does. She said the most sweet thing last night. She said she was happy for telling me that I hurt her feelings and why (because she used to be afraid to) and that she thought maybe it was because she thinks of me like family now.

Isn't that the sweetest thing? I feel the same way for her. I guess I have this feeling of worry or panic for no reason. Well a good reason for some of it that has to do with the asshole and definately no way anything to do with M.

Fuck! How can one person make me feel so shitty by just seeing him for two seconds one night?

Well, here come the tears. Gotta go.

I love you Shanon so much for trying to help me even though I'm completely insane. And maybe you're right that since I missed a few days of anti-depressant that it messed with my brain.

M, I love you so much and am so sorry and really hope you believe me that I honestly wasn't being sarcastic or rude even though my words came out that way. I don't know what I'd do without at least one friend. And that friend is you.

I also know I'm very blunt and forthcoming but I never want to hurt anyone at all. You were very sweet about explaining to that man that I was being sincere and I love that about you. You know me so well and you know I'm a nice person but sometimes my words come out too much like I'm being sarcastic or rude.

But I can't help it. I'm like Cordy I guess. I think I say it that's my way. :) I love that line because it is so true to me.

Wishing for a better day.

Love,

Jami who needs love right now.

Insincerity at it's best.

2005-07-15T04:27:00.000-07:00

I sure can be a rude motherfucker sometimes. Just call me on it next time okay? That way I'll try and keep in check. Not like I should be needing of reminders to be kind. But, I pretty much do sometimes.

If I let my pain take over then I am ruled by pain. I can not let that happen.

I miss my kids so much. They are only at their Grandmas house but I want them back. They're scheduled to come back on Saturday but I want them back tomorrow. Well, today now since it's 4:30 am. I forget how sweet and fun they are until they aren't here sometimes. I love them so much.

Even my daughter is going to a dance team retreat for Lakefair tomorrow/today and won't be home until after the parade. :(

I was so happy to see M's daughter but it wasn't long enough. I didn't even get to hold her. My husband had loads of fun though. They went for a walk around the neighborhood then they played and ate a banana and then she got a little fussy so he took her for a drive and she slept while he read in the car just as her Daddy came to get her.

I just love my babies so much even when they aren't being their cutest.

I guess that's one of the reasons I've been a little more than bitchy lately. I just am not capable of doing so many things that I should be doing with them when they are here. I mean if I pick up the baby I often pull my back out so I'm in sever pain for several days or just bending over to pick up dropped toys or bottles. My older son wants to ride his bike outside but I can't do that with him because I can't keep up and that's too scary.

I know I'm the best mom I can be but definately not the best mom ever. I can do things like play on the floor with baby or read books or watch movies with the Danger man. I can feed them and clothe them and help them brush their teeth but I just feel like I'm missing out on so much fun.

I have been thinking too much about the things I can't do instead of the things I can. Like when I see people riding bikes or hiking on TV or playing tennis or volleyball or best of all dancing. I miss dancing so much. I don't even know if there is any place to dance in Olympia but if I find one I'm going to go pain or no pain.

I really want to start thinking about the things I am able to do and then actually start doing them. Like swimming. M's baby is old enough now to enroll in swim lessons at the college and when we both get back from vacation we're going to start that but until then I am going to try to go to the YMCA with my husband and go in the pool with the baby. Water is good because it's not as hard to lift and it would be fun.

I also want to walk every day. My feet have been hurting a lot lately but my doctor gave me a website of some insoles to wear that are supposed to really help.

I want to start a gentle, no make that very gentle, yoga class.

I want to play outside in the yard every day that it's not raining with the boys.

I want to spend a lot of that time with M and G so G and T can bond.

I'm going to really watch my posting and not do it so much especially when I'm in a bad mood or in a lot of pain which puts me in a bad mood. I know I say I'm going to start being more positive a lot but something is different this time.

It's like I had an epiphany(sp?). I saw my future with my boys and it was good because I can teach them lots of positvie things and we have so much time together I don't want to waste it. The small moments that you don't always realize at the time need to be paid attention to. Like when the baby says Daddy or waves hello or bye or gives big kisses. Or when the older son tells a joke or reads a word for the first time or cleans his room when he's asked to.

I know it's a big cliche but time does go by so fast that I need to really treasure the moments I have with all my children now. In three years my wonderful daughter is going to be at a college somewhere and I don't know how I'll deal.

I need to focus on all the people I love and all the things I need to do with the people I love to create these moments.

Like just going out for a couple of hours if that with my bestest friend ever. It was a wonderful moment. Nothing spectacular but I will remember it always because we had nice drink, food and conversation.

I know I look perfectly healthy to anybody that sees me so it's hard to deal with the pain because I don't have a wheelchair or walker or anything but I hurt so much I am actually in tears right now and often am because of pain.

Those moments are negative and are not to be treasured and I don't need or want to remember them.

I love you all,

Jami

- M.W.

Okie Dokie

2005-07-14T22:18:00.000-07:00

Maybe my last post was a little rude. I just hate feeling bad that my money troubles are dissipating. I know how hard it is to be broke and not be able to do anything about it. I mean I was living on welfare and sleeping on a foam mattress when I had my first child but it didn't matter. I think the more I get used to getting money the more materialistic I become. I don't want that.

I like being a generous and giving person. I just don't like being taken for granted either. But I know I shouldn't expect anything in return if I truly meant that. I was just angry at my sister and another total buttwad but, when I reread what I posted I realized that it could be taken the wrong way by people I do truly love and adore and will always have a place in my heart and pocketbook for.

My dear friend M might have been one of those people that took it personnally or the wrong way. I especially realized this while having a wonderful yet short time out with her tonight. We had a wonderful time and I just wanted to let her know that none of that applied to her. I worship her and am always in awe of what a kind, loving and supportive friend she's been over many years.

I get jealous of the things she has like lots of friends and a sweet Mom and a little girl. Even though I love my boy to death I always wanted another girl. I feel honored to be able to spend time with little G and I know she's going to learn to call me her Rockin' Aunt Jami when she speaks her first words.

M if I hurt you with that post I am truly sorry and if I could I would give you everything you needed to help you not worry about everything we talked about this night. You are the only person I feel this way about. I'm not saying I wouldn't be a generous person to others but you are the only one that I honestly don't ever expect anything in return from. Your sincerity to me and always being there to help me even if it's just by talking is worth more than any amount of material things.

I guess I just didn't realize how much my sister had in common with you without having anything in common at all. You know yourself and she doesn't. What I said basically doesn't apply to you because of that. I had so much fun, as always, with you. Even when we don't get much time together it still leaves me feeling happy and a lot less like wanting to leave. I just wish we had more time together.

I want our kids to grow up together and if possible go to school together. I'd even hold the Grand Admiral back a year if we can get them in the same school.

I'm not going to delete that post. I thought about it and it was how I was truly feeling and still am just not about you sweetie. When I was writing I was just overwhelmingly upset at sis and pissed off at some other nameless asses. So I want to keep it up because I feel I need to. I hope you understand.

Oh and I looked on TJMaxx but couldn't find that dress. I found this though and thought it would look cute. What do you think? Do you think you could try and find one for me I saw this that looked similar though. What do you think?

My most sincerest apologies.

I love you so much,

Jami who bows before you :)

Money troubles gone for awhile I hope.

2005-07-13T14:40:00.000-07:00

I hate writing about money. I hate it when other people write about it too. I mean usually I'm so broke like the last few months we had to survive on WIC and medical coupons. Then we took out an equity loan. It just doesn't seem right to talk about money to anyone. Either they feel jealous or happy that they're doing so much better than you.

I guess it's mostly a couple people in the past that have annoyed me the most with the "I can't do that because i have no money" or the wonderfully famous "Okay, but only if you pay" Like they think I have endless funds. This includes my sister who annoys me the most. She's younger and is just now realizing that people aren't going to pay for everything she needs. This includes college which really pisses me off because my Mother didn't pay for me to get a degree in Psychology that I was going to waste away with not wanting to practice in my field so I'll always be broke and work at crapp ass jobs that pay like $15 to whatever an hour. But it's never enough so I'd have to go dog sit and house sit and amazing rich peoples homes because I couldn't pay my bills on my crappy salary.

I guess I'm mad about her in two ways. She wasted five years at the University getting a degree that she could use and make decent money but she decided she wants to be a vet so she has applied to grad school but mom won't pay for that and she's always bitchy or grouchy and the second reason is she always expects me to pay for things.

Well as of this moment I quit. I'm going to start saving more and if I go out with people I pay for myself only. I know that's harsh but I have three kids. Well only two that I have to financially worry about but still. It's my money and so many people owe me money that I'll never get back that I just have to stop loaning it. Even if I'm well off, which I'm not quite yet. Because what happens is those people either "forget" they owe me or we stop talking and they hate me and never give me my money that they owe me.

So I've decided to break my rule about talking about money (see above) and be happy that we might actually have a decent future and here is what I want to do with it. I also still believe that people make their own choices so they need to do things that aren't always what is wanted. I spent three years working full time and going to school full time. So, I'd wake up and be out the door by 6:30am and wouldn't get home until almost 11pm. I only saw my daughter on the weekends but it's what had to be done so we could survive and it payed off in the end. The choice here was not to work and get on welfare if you were wondering.

But, now it's not like that. It's looking better and I want to be happy and do more things.

Fortunately or unfortunately however you look at it my husband just got his first pay advance for 6,000 and when they run payroll they’ll each get another $15,000 or so and then regular grosses of about $3,000 per month and then split the earnings every quarter. I think he just might pull in over $100k this year! I hope that doesn’t sound like I’m being snobby it’s just that I’m excited and really have no one to talk to about how happy that makes me. Not to buy lots of stuff or waste it away but so I can save for college for the boys, the daughter is already taken care of. But the main reason is so I can go on trips once or at the least every other month. Just small get aways so I can not be here for a while.

So if you think I'm a bitch fuck you. I don't care about you FUCK YOU! My choice is made. I'm not going to work. Mostly because it's not a choice but because of my problems. I'll probably end up using half my honey's money for medical procedures anyway.

I'll just hope not.

I'm really not rude I just hate it when people only are pitied and get attention for being poor.

Jami

- M.W.

Wow, it's been 12 days since I've written?

2005-07-12T20:05:00.000-07:00

And it's not like I've felt well or happy or anything. I've been a little too drowsy lately. Stimulant would be nice right now. Oh, I meant stimulation. Not a coffee drinker and there's only one stimulant I like and one I tolerated when I did that crap if it was the only thing around.

I had forgotten to write for so long until I got a couple of emails from people. Even if I'm not very good at communication. I've got 526 unread emails right now. It's nice to know that people still care sometimes even if I just get an email out of nowhere about how my pain concerns them or if they ask me for advice or just to say hi.

I got 2 trips this month. One to San Jose and the next back down to San Diego and possibly Mexico where tempting use of the first paragraph will be a test to my strength. I'm going to schedule or at least want to schedule 2 more trips by the end of September. Then I want to go to Disneyland on Halloween and for Thanksgiving I'm not sure.

I know they aren't super significant plans but it's nice to get out sometimes. I just don't have the desire to really be on a plane much longer than 2 hours and I especially don't want to go very many places. The places I've been down the west coast are all fine by me. My husband wants to go to Hawaii or New York or the Gulf of Mexico side or China. Most are fine by me but I'd still rather go to the familiar.

I looked up the 100 best public high schools and Oxnard made the list. Which is funny because I really would like to move and Oxnard would be great because I know the city so well. I guess I know a few cities a little north and a lot of cities south of there but I would like to go there. Or Nevada. That hasn't changed.

My back really hurts and I've been super sick a few times last month and this month so I haven't posted much. Plus I've got a sickly amount of paperwork to go through and pay bills and shit.

Sorry for the boring entry,

Jami

- M.W.

I love you Shanon.

2005-06-30T18:26:00.000-07:00

I need to start being a better person for you. Pain or no pain. No more excuses to give. I love you so much. I need for you to know this.

My life wouldn't be my life if it wasn't for you.

Nobody can predict what would or would not have happened if their lives were different but I think I can say with complete certainty that I couldn't have found a better lover, father, person and friend. Emphasis on the love(er).

We make some pretty amazing love don't we?!

I'm trying to not do so much of the what if's and such so I'm not even going to get into it.

These aren't the best times. No money, sick with crap a lot and too much arguing. I'm in so much pain after this last virus so it does make it hard. I mean, I used to be able to count on some awesome sex when money or family troubles were getting too hard to deal with. So, maybe that's why we've both been a little too fiesty lately. Not enough good sex.

So, I propose this for tonight or at the latest this weekend.

1. Get oiled up really good.

2. Play around for a while. With the oiled up parts.

3. Some awesome making out.

4. Hardcore love!

5. Shower.

Probably move shower to number one also, but, you get the idea.

I love you and I love the sexy love you give me when you can. Or I guess when I can handle it. Back pain pretty much sucks in so many ways. But I also think our lives are happier when we have regular sexy love. I feel sexy right now.

I love you Shanon,

Your wife Jami who is ready and feeling sexy

Oh, and I don't want to watch Bewitched. I think Will Ferrel is awesome and I love his weird humor but the previews aren't making me want to watch it.

- M.W.

No novacaine. Sweet.

2005-06-29T16:02:00.000-07:00

Yes, yet another hospital visit yesterday. I just want to feel normal for a while. Longer than a few days. Maybe a few months? I'm tired of this shit.

I feel terrible. I thought that I just felt ill. Now, since I haven't even been able to keep any meds down till today I feel the worst pain I've felt since I was pregnant. It put a few things into perspective. I want out bad.

I know it's a couple at the least four at the most but I'm going to find a new home. My family annoys me. I don't have enough friends to chain me here. Also, I don't like nature all that much. Somedays are beautiful yes. But I don't like camping or being outside unless it's not windy or rainy and only if I can see the sun.

The only part of nature I'm okay with is the ocean. I love the ocean and that becomes a problem. I want to live somewhere that has little if any rain and no snow. That means nowhere near the ocean. So right now Nevada is my best bet. Maybe I'm having panic but I feel the need to leave.

I am in so much pain, physically, right now that I can barely stand up.

Has anyone else noticed that I seem to post when I'm sad and rarely when I'm happy? Oh, well.

I'm going to start going to church or temple or whatever I think. Not in the way you guys would think but I need something else in my life. I need to find a meaning for why I'm here. I need to find a reason to keep my body on this earth.

I'm not sad really just empty today. No tears. Nothing. Emptiness.

Jami

- M.W.

How come feelings are so uncontroblable?

2005-06-11T18:22:00.000-07:00

Physically today. I hate pain something awful. I'm not sure anyone does truly like it. I know the difference between masochism and what I feel. And I do not like it. I guess I've just had it for too long now.

I'm caught in between wanting to heal and just wanting it to end. Anyway possible. It's been on my mind a lot lately. Not so much suicide but just thinking of ways to die peacefully without any effort.

Than I get thinking about it too much and everything is too painful or I know my chances of surviving and living even worse than I am now are greater than the chance of death. Like crashing my car or driving into oncoming traffic on purpose. Plus I could really hurt someone else that way and not get hurt bad at all myself. Drug overdose, I'd probably just end up destroying one of my kidneys or my liver. The ever faithful slitting the wrists in a warm tub. Well the obvious is there. I'd get found before I died and end up in the psych ward. Or I just couldn't get a good flow going.

I think about other things too but lately it's been that.

Also, I've upset or even angry with almost every member of my family. I want out as usual but it's not going to happen.

I tried to hit my husband a couple of nights ago. I think I actually got contact with his face. I wanted to just slap him but he kept blocking me so I went for the closed fist. You know how awful that feels? To be so mad at someone that you can't control your body's actions? I know I have control but it just shuts off sometimes.

It's those moments that I remember and they make me want to leave my family. What if I hurt my children? I'd like to say I never would, but I am pretty sure I also promised to never hurt my husband. What does that say about my morals? I'm not high or drunk. I have no excuse for how I acted.

Nothing happy to report here.

Jami

- M.W.

Today is Thursday right?

2005-06-09T12:47:00.000-07:00

Not sure what to do today. Kids at the Grandmas house.

I think I'm going to open a bottle of wine. Or, maybe, a beer. I want to feel happy and that usually works. I should probably eat something first though.

My daughter really wants to go to Pepperdine. But, I don't think I want her to anymore. She said that if she goes to the UW that she'll be stuck in Washington her whole life. I know it wasn't the point she was making but I was happy. It makes me think if she hears me say that all the time or if she really doesn't like it here that much too.

She loves it here and has lots of friends. I think if I actually moved she'd be pretty upset. But, I'm getting to the point where I don't care. I want out and I think I'm ready. With or without my family.

I'm also not saying I don't love my family. I do. So much. I would miss them terribly but it might make all of us happier in the end. I just keep wondering how much longer I can stay here without killing myself. Yeah, sure, the suns out today but that doesn't mean it will be tomorrow.

Everyone has depressing times in their lives I know. I just seem to have them more often then most. The pettiest things upset me. I don't know why I can't control my jealousy. I just feel like everyone has so many friends to help them through anything they need help with and I don't and it pisses me off a little. A lot when I get in a really depressed state.

I try not to show it though. At least not to anyone other than my own family. I used to have a friend that was clearly manic/depressive and I couldn't deal with her so I stopped being her friend. So, I try not to let those feelings show around anyone. Which isn't hard since basically nobody cares or sees me anyway.

I've tried to have other friends but it never works. They either can't handle my honesty. Which, I will never change. Or, they use me to get gossip or info about people I actually care about and then never talk to me again.

Don't get me wrong I really want friends but I don't think it's going to happen in this city.

Honestly, if I was to die today, how many people would even care? Maybe we'll find out soon.

jami

- M.W.

I really, really want to leave this place.

2005-06-06T20:57:00.000-07:00

Maybe I just want to leave my bedroom. Either way, I want to leave. My husband just went to the store and I wanted to go to because I'm not liking the fact that I can't do so many things without suffering dire consequences. Yet here I stay, in bed.

I am becoming weaker than I notice. Until I try to do something at all. I watched that movie again and although I love it I forget how sitting in the same position for 2.5 hours kills my knees.

Anyway, I'm just seriously bored. I don't take enough showers because it's hard to breath in the shower. And no, I can't take a bath. It, as everything else in my life, hurts to damn much.

I keep watching depressing movies in my lame ass bed. And my bedroom stinks for some reason. Probably a diaper that got missed. But I can't stand it so I'm going on a gross diaper hunt. My room is a mess and I was going to clean it but again I did not. Bending, lifting, moving are all things I have a hard time doing.

I slept too much today though. So maybe tonight I'll have better luck at night sleep.

I hope that Charlie Sheen didn't fall back on bad habits. I really like him as an actor and would really like to think that he didn't do anything to make a pregnant woman divorce him.

I'm supposed to call my mom and I keep forgetting. She has all these projects she wants me to do before she dies. Some of them are important to me and some I could care less about. She has all these "hidden" safety deposit boxes and bank accounts and somehow thinks it will be important to give me all the information so I can find everything when she dies.

Then there is this really fun project. When her mother died she left my mom with two HUGE suitcases filled with unlabeled photos. So my dear mother wants me to come over and sort this pile of crap out. Like if she doesn't know who these people are in the photos I am?

Oh, this is the best ever! She wants me to find out if she has any missing siblings out there because of weird marital reasons that led to her not knowing her real father.

So, husband found three houses in Vegas that we could afford but I want to go now not in a year from now. Maybe if I get a little vacation I'll feel different. I got this stupid prick mark in my vein from the doctor and it makes me want to get to a warmer climate. I always feel a little better when we get to a warmer place.

I am also a little happy that my husband has made so much of himself. I'm still giving him a little time to prove to me that it will work but after that time wears out I'm going on vacation by myself.

Is it really that hard to find a decent job? I used to talk to people a lot who had these shit ass jobs but always complained about them. But didn't they choose these jobs? I had some suck ass jobs in my life but I always managed to apply and eventually get a better one. I never found the job of a lifetime but I never wanted to work that bad. Now that I don't have to I don't care as much.

It's also not as if I don't know what being in poverty means. I remember back to the days when I used to steal a jar of peanut butter for sustenance and live of almost strictly only that for weeks at a time. If someone gave me some bread I was so happy. But, that was a choice I made. I wasn't forced to do it. I don't regret it and even though it wasn't the best decision it taught me a lot about life. Mostly how not to live it. It was still better than being physical hurt by a man for many years. It's weird that I'm not a lesbian. I guess I just really wanted the ideal family. Me, a husband and four kids. I've had to change tht plan because of unpredictable events.

I just want to gamble somewhere warm. And take a break from laying in bed all day.

Of course I have to get better first. Not all the way better but just enough to where walking from my car in a parking lot to a store doesn't get me out of breath. This cough is annoying.

I feel like I should take my husband places he hasn't been but I don't like those places. New York smells bad. Hawaii is too touristy and so is Mexico unless you have the guts to go to non tourist places. Which I definately don't. I'm too scared to fly farther than 2.5 hours and even that is scary to me.

My daughter brought me the mail today and I'm kind of pissed because I got an invitation to a baby shower for someone who is having their second child. I didn't get one from anyone and I don't think it's right to invite someone to a shower when she wasn't given one by someone else that is having a second child. I know that makes no sense but I'm pretty annoyed. I mean, I needed things. Things I had to buy all by myself because nobody gave me presents. Poor me.

I know, stupid things to whine about but just one more reason to get the hell out of here. I truly and honestly believe so few people give a shit about me that there is no reason to stay. I would bet money that nobody except maybe my best friend would even notice my disappearance.

I know I don't go out and make friends but I'm 31, I should already have all the friends I'm going to. I don't even want friends but people to talk to that don't judge me.

I'm tired of being sad. I need to get out of here. At least out of this house but who will go with me? Nobody. That's who. Nobody will go shopping with me or out to lunch or just for a drive. The reason? Nobody cares.

I know I need to take care of shit here but here is getting old. I can't drive so I don't go anywhere. I can't even walk right now. Maybe I'm just really depressed and need to see the sun more often. Can't do tht here. It's almost impossible to do. I remember being young and seeing the sun almost all summer sometimes and it would snow almost every winter. Not anymore. Now it's like this grey color almost all year long.

I started cleaning my room. I figure sometime next month it'll be done.

I'm just angry at so many people for hurting me in the past.

I also hate it when I get told that the past is in the past so stop worrying about it. Sorry, can't. Someday you'll understand why. Shit, maybe someday I'll understand why. But it still hurts and I need the hurting to end.

So here I stay. In my bedroom in Olympia. Probably am going to die here. This is a good bed to die in. Nice and soft and comfortable.

No love for you today,

Jami

- M.W.

Can we get out of this place?

2005-06-05T01:13:00.000-07:00

So, my husband and myself decided yesterday that we will move to Nevada in a year. I hope he wasn't kidding. I mean West Hollywood is an ideal place to raise children. Well, any place that has to have iron bars surrounding the high school is probably out so Vegas sounds good right now.

My sister said we'd get tired of it. I think we said something like we're not going to be living at the Luxor or anything.

So did you mean it?

Please say you meant it. Cause everyone knows when you make an assumption, you make an ass out of u and mption. I'm Sergeant Madigan, Vice, and if you cop a 'tude, jerkoff, I will see to it you spend the next ten years in prison getting ass-fucked, and if the case is thrown out because my arrest is too violent, then I will personally HIRE men to ass-fuck you for ten years. So if you're an ass-fucking fan, go ahead and mouth off, but meanwhile you're under arrest for the crime of prostitution.

Sorry, just watching that movie again and couldn't help myself.

I talked to my daughter and she said she'd hate me for a while but she'd adjust. Especially if we moved to the O.C. I told her Orange County is mostly made up of retired people and republicans and disneyland. She didn't believe me.

Anyhow, last night or this morning. I forget which I went to the ER coughing, puking and in much pain. I hate the hospital but got to that point where I needed some drugs bad. So I go in and luckily had just taken my headache medicine so they couldn't give me imitrex which I hate. I had to argue to not get compazine but I think whatever he injected me with was very similar to compazine anyway. It makes me extrememly anxious but I'm not sure if that's the I.V. meds or not knowing when the hell I'm going to get out of the hospital.

It wasn't as bad as before. I got a private room and the actually did x-rays and evrything. I guess what bothered me most was that EVERYONE was male. My husband accidently hit the call button three times on the remote and they were all male nurses plus the one assigned to me plus the doctor and the x-ray tech. So I saw six men in about three hours.

I asked for some vistaril but he said benadryl worked better for the nausea. I guess that's my only complaint. He gave me two heavy ass doses of dilauded and then finally I got to go home. I don't have a headache anymore but it takes a while for all those drugs to get out of my system so I'm super drowsy but yet can't sleep.

Also, I have three boys in bed with me and under any other circumstances I'd be in nirvana, instead I made two of them and the other one helped me and is snoring right now. So, all you freaks out there, I'm not having fun.

Can we go away for the weekend again? Really soon? At least send me. I'm tired of this place. I want to just go away for a little bit. Okay?

Well, I should sleep. Hope I can do it.

Love,

Your very sad wife

- M.W.

Bronchitis.

2005-05-31T16:15:00.000-07:00

The verdict is in. My cough is really killing me. Albutural it will be. I hate that stuff. Yuckkkk!

At least I might be getting better now. Except I've got this killer headache to get rid of.

I'm adding a couple of new links that I think I'll be visiting regularly.

I'm bored. It's totally pouring outside and I'm watching E! while I try and get well and let the nanny take care of both kids.

My daughter started reading Romeo & Juliet today and is already bored. I told her she has to ask her step-dad for help because the only thing that would interest me in shakespeare is when they make a funny teen movie about it. Like "10 Things I Hate About You" which I believe is "based" on The Taming of the Shrew and I have no idea what that title even means. Then there's that really funny one that I think is called "Get Over It" but I could be wrong that is based on "A Midsummernight's Dream" and that's only because thats the play they perform in the movie I think .

Uh, too many thoughts.

I Love Star Wars!

Love,

Jami

- M.W.

Saw it again and yes it's still amazing.

2005-05-30T22:27:00.000-07:00

I debated on whether or not I should go. But I could be sick in bed or sick in a movie theater. Potentially infecting 30 or so innocent people. I held my cough in and came home and had a complete fit that made me think I should have gone pee first.

I know what tatoo's I'm going to get I just need to figure out where to put them now.

I want cosmetic surgery. I know I go both ways on the issue but I'm never going to be able to excercise like a normal person but I can and often do very well at controlling what I eat.

So, I was thinking that maybe if I had surgery on, oh, say, my tummy? I could get one there. I just need it to be flat first. So since that probably won't happen I guess my shoulder or upper arm area. I don't like ones anywhere on the neck. It just screams I'm a bad girl to me. I don't want that.

I still have a low grade fever but it's this cough that's getting me. I know if I go to the ER in the middle of the night because I feel like I can't breathe they'll just say I have pleuresy from coughing so much.

Anyway, the movie made me sad. A lot. You always wonder what really went on but now that all my questions are answered, except that one question, I kind of wish I didn't know.

The movie itself is sad with Vader killing little kids and all the clone/storm troopers just ambushing all the Jedi's is pretty sad. Chewbacca being sad is sad. Luke and Leias mom being killed by their father is very sad. Mace Windu dying wasn't that sad. Obi Wan being sad about having to fight Vader who he still refers to as Anakin is really upsetting. Especially how much he looks like Alec Guiness. So, off to the DVD's.

I will say this, I am not happy about the ending of Jedi. Replacing the original Vaders face with Hayden Christiansens. It's just a little weird. But off I go to make myself feel sorry. Hopefully sleep.

Love,

Jami

- M.W.

I'm really sad that I didn't get high school stuff.

2005-05-30T14:35:00.000-07:00

I went to three high schools. First Timberline, which I left after first semester and actually did homeschool for the next semester because I had "mono" and nobody came and saw me. Well, Reuben and Sam did once but I told them where the hell to go. I told the homeschool lady to leave so I never finished the second semester of my freshman year.

After that I took off for a while with my new bus stop friends and really had a great time. What brought me home wasn't the sex and drugs and alcohol, most of which I successfully avoided, but when some guy got thrown out of a window at the University Avenue Apartments was what did it. I bought a ticket to Portland but got off in Olympia after getting in a fight with the guy who was tagging along.

My Aunt agreed to let me live with her and my cousin and I had to go to Olympia H.S. for I'm not sure how long. I know I did geomotry, history, english, typing on a calculator or some shit, study hall and biology. I actually got very decent grades except in English. This also teacher, Mr. Pringle, favored people on teams. I don't do sports or cheer or dance and never will in public. Well, I'll dance but it won't be an afterschool activity. The guy must of nearing 100 I think. He talked about how when he went to high school you could separate the "cool" kids from the "squares" yes his words, by how they held there books to class. They were cool if they held them under there arm. What a fucking loon!

That's the semester I got pregnant. I'm not sure if I made it into the second semester or not. I know I slacked off while I was pregnant. My boyfriend found a home for us and things were going to be great. Plus I missed so many classes that my Aunt decided I had to leave. Plus her husband had just left her and she didn't want to deal with my delequincy. I remember my mom coming over and both of them smoking cigarrettes and drinking wine while I'm moving my stuff out and being ignored by both women.

So I had the most wonderful baby girl ever and then got my G.E.D. but really wanted a diploma so I went to Puget Sound High School. Which doesn't exist anymore but was combined with New Century (the other alternative school) and is now called South Sound High School I think. I'll find out soon enough. My mom has recruited me to come assist needy youth in getting into colleges.

Anyway, I think my daughter was about two when I started going there. I finished at least two and a half years of high school in one year. Then realized that running start would pay for an associates degree almost so I stayed on another year but at the college. So that made me graduate a year later than I should have but it was worth it.

I complain a lot about never getting to go to dances, or graduate like a real person. I didn't do any real high school things. I got my homework done. Joined FBLA at the alternative high school but rarely did anything I just wanted it on my record in case I went to a real college. Which I soon found out I couldn't anyway because they didn't offer foreign language at that college and the University won't have me unless I have so many credits of foreign language. I tried to take spanish three times but quit every time so I think I'm going to try an asian language instead.

I, in fact, did have and attend my graduation of 22 people at the state capitol building. I didn't want to but my used to be friend wouldn't stop trying to make me so I gave in but did not wear a gown or anything. It was hilarious for so many reasons. First, I could only tell you the name of about three people in that very small group. Second, some girl who I don't know started singing some Whitney Houston song and totally froze. Third, they gave us our real diplomas so a couple lucky bastards got to graduate without taking summer school. And the best reason was that me and I believe Gene snuck in some rum in our coke and got pretty buzzed. I think I actually laughed when that poor girl was in tears not being able to get her speech out.

I just wanted to be popular. Popular with the kids that didn't get high or drop out. I wanted to be popular with the kids that could still be their own person without fear of their peers thoughts. Problem, those kids don't exist. There are a few people that were able to be nice to all students but for the most part I was at best ignored but usually made fun of.

I shouldn't just complain. I did have quite a few friends at Oly High that all dropped out but while we were there it was fun. They still had the smoking area for the kids. Which, if you think about it, is totally stupid. It was still the years where we were called punk rock without the neo or new in front of it. We were still listening to Black Flag, Dead Kennedys (not me so much), Danzig, Circle Jerks and so on. But, all we did was maybe spend the day at school, go to Thrans house while everyone else smoked pot and I tried to get tatooed. I never smoked it. I never had to because it was a small attic bedroom and I'm sure I got plenty high without even taking a hit.

So basically, I spoke with no one outside of my own family or my first husbands family from about 17 until 21. I had those couple of people from school but it took a while to meet new people. And I turned into something I never wanted to be. An abused housewife with a baby.

All I ever wanted was a college degree then a husband then a baby then never having to use that degree staying home and taking care of everything myself.

I don't know when my body gave up on me. But I feel really bad. Shouldn't I be better now? Shouldn't this pain be gone?

Oh, and sweetie, I'm not exactly the 130 lbs I was when I met you. So how does Tamra getting fat change anything? That is the most superficial thing I've heard in a long time. Yes, I've seen her in her new heaviness but in my mind I've probably gained the same amount as her at times. Did that make you want to leave me? I'll never know and never want to. I just got pissed that you even talked to her. And even more pissed that I wasn't there looking really hot to make it clear that I'm with you now. I have a bad feeling about this. And I can't change it. I know you loved me. I also know you loved her. I don't think a person like her is capable of change. Who knows if she even feeds that skinny as kid of hers? You don't know anything about what she's like now and I really don't want you to find out.

Oh, and I love you.

Love,

Jami

- M.W.

Still sick but not as bad.

2005-05-29T12:16:00.000-07:00

I have one of those thermometers that uses a cover each time and we ran out of covers so it won't work. My husband bought some but they were the wrong ones so hopefully I have only a small fever and if I'm really lucky none at all.

My husband saw his ex at Fred Meyer last week and for some reason it pissed me off that he wasn't mean or cold or just ignored her. I'm sick at the fact that she knows what my children look like now. He said he was very nice and that she'd probably changed since she had a baby a couple years ago. I guess three in June but I don't think so. She has called my husbands mother about a year ago probably trying to get our phone number from her and his mom is always nice but then calls and tells my husband what a psycho she is.

She had her chance, I guess that's why I'm so angry. She sent him to jail, got a restraining order against him and then did stuff like go to the place where he worked. She called all the time when we were first together until I answered the phone one day and told what would happen if she ever thought about calling again. Since then she's only called his mother I think because she couldn't find our unlisted number. But, now our number is totally listed and in my husbands name.

I'm just waiting for it. What if my daughter answers it and doesn't know to hang up.

OMG, I think my daughter is listening to the "Prety in Pink" soundtrack. What's the name of that song? If you leave? Who did that song? It was something weird like oh, nevermind it was OMD right? I think this is a cover of a song that probably was a cover anyway. John Hughes is so weird but that isn't a Hughes movie is it? At least he didn't direct it did he? I'm so muddled right now.

Ok, back to crazy ex, oh, lets just call her Tamra for fun. So, my husband, mine, the nicest sweetest man ever had a crazy girlfriend that totally took advantage of him. I'm not saying we had the most perfect relationship ever always but I never sent him to jail. She did it twice for things he didn't do. I used to ask him what the hell he was thinking staying with her. I never got a clear answer but I think it came down to he was lonely. Kind of like he is now.

He was going to marry her but luckily she eloped in vegas or portland or somewhere with some asshole just for fun and never got her lazy but to the courthouse to get a divorce. She wanted a serious wedding in a catholic church and everything. She would have wasted so much of his money. Oh, wait, he didn't get a decent job until he met me so I guess the wouldn't have had an elaborate wedding.

He said he looks through our wedding album and he can see how much I love him because I'm so happy in every picture. And you know what? I really was so happy. So many people came and it wasn't like I even wanted these people there but I was so happy. Shanon's really good friend and his wife drove down from San Jose because he is so skittish about flying but they wanted to be there. I was really glad that I had her there so she could help me dress and play with my makeup and hair.

I remember being in the hair salon in the Luxor and there were a bunch of German woman and I had this appointment but when I came in they all fought over me. The lady that got to work on me said she was so, so lucky because she got the blonde girl! Of course in a very thick German accent. It was hilarious, they were fighting over me because I was blonde!

I was pretty much on a champagne high the whole wedding but that's not why I was so happy. I was happy because I knew that this time it would be right. Now my husbands sad and I don't know how to fix him. I know I just need to rest and get better but my mind wants to make him happy.

He gets on this thing sometime about how he never got to experience the "great sexual" things that I did. I keep trying to remind him that they weren't great, I was too young, too jaded, and I never got to experience the things he did. Like going to a real high school and having real friends and not gettting in fights every day and going to dances and all that stuff that people in movies do. All that stuff that isn't just movie stuff. He actually did it. I would have loved my first sexual experience to be giving a boy a blow job and being really coy like it wasn't really sex and how I wasn't planning on having sex until I was older.

I guess I can't ever convince him that what he things were really fun and probably like something he saw on a motley crue video were just boring and stupid (most of the time) to me. I did everything I could. I wish I had pictures from that time. He could see how I shaved my head, wore really baggy shirts to hide my stupidly perky boobs, and never wore makeup so that men wouldn't find me attractive. Instead I proved that men will try to fuck anything and if they beg enough will usually win.

So, I guess I shouldn't get mad for him being nice to his Tamra but if she calls here since we are listed now, then I'm going to go to her trailer she calls a home and make sure she never talks to my husband again. I mean she has her own husband and child. I don't really know if they live in a trailer I just know she lives in littlerock which is a stupid small town known for their drugs and lameness.

Then I think that she must be sad. She might have changed. She may have even realized that she lost my husband because of how horrible she treated him. I don't know her husband but I know he works a lot out of town, according to my husbands mother. So, maybe she is just really lonely. Then I think of all the horrible things she did to so many people, me included, and wonder if you can really change. She used to anyway, come off as so nice and sweet and could get anything she wanted really and then was mean or deceitful or just hurtful and once she got what she wanted she would care less about who she hurt. So, I think that's why I'm so mad that he was nice. But that's what my husband is. Nice. Yes, I know he got in a fight for me but that was just a bad day.

My husband is so wonderful and I would help him be happy in any way that I could. I'm so happy that we got married. A little sad we didn't do it sooner but I really needed my time to make sure it was going to be a forever thing. Which is still never a guarantee but at least it's almost.

I don't want my wedding day back. I definately want to preserve that just the way it is, but, I do want to go on a nice vacation and get happy and have lots of fun and be a little crazy.

I can dream about it anyway.

Love,

Jami

- M.W.

105 fever.

2005-05-27T00:00:00.000-07:00

And I'm still alive. Last night I had a fever of 104.9 and I told my husband it was 103.9 because I honestly thought that's what it said. But when I checked this morning it said the last reading was 104.9 and I was pretty okay with that.

I've been looking at my scars a lot lately. It's like my veins are talking to me. They are there, huge as can be but then as soon as I pick up a blade, then they're hidden. Tricking me. Making me think I can do it. I can do it. I can get a really deep cut without feeling or at least not caring about the pain.

So, I've been looking at my scars a lot. Wondering why it didn't work. I mean I got myself really good. I remember thinking the fireman who came to get me was rather cute, they didn't want me to pass out and made me drink charcoal. I was so out of it so I didn't fight it. I mean I guess I'm glad I didn't get my stomach pumped but I did almost qualify for a new liver. Honestly, I didn't do that on purpose. I had no idea tylenol did that to a persons organs. I thought it was the narcotic that hurt people. Then I overheard a nurse saying that it really had nothing to do with the amount of narcotic (vicodin, percocet, etc....) but purely the amount of aceteminophin that did the damage.

I was pretty self concious about the scars for a long time. Now I don't even notice them until I see someone obviously looking at them. But, now, for some reason, I want them gone. I can live with the rest of my scars but those bother me the most. And all of a sudden. I mean I had forgotten about that night for a while now but it just sort of came back to me.

I've been sick a lot in the past year. This is the second time within a month I think that I've had a horrible cough, headache and high fever.

This puts a big burden on my husband. He needs some time of his own. I prevent that from happening. I need him to take care of the kids. He also has to do some things for me because my back is so terrible. He tries so hard to take care of me all the way though and I definately take advantage. I guess I like it.

He told me today that he feels really lonely though. I know that I'm a big part of that. I mean I don't get sick on purpose. At least I don't think I do. Do I have that kind of power?

I told him that I wish he didn't feel that way and unfortuneately there is nothing I can do about that. He doesn't have any friends that he can just call when he feels like it to go out. I mean he has friends but they all have their own little schedules and to call without warning usually leads to an "I'd really like to but...." so I feel bad that he doesn't have more friends that would just like to go have a drink or whatever but I don't think I can make that happen either.

He's coming in here and I don't want him to see me writing this. I don't care if he reads it but just not over my shoulder.

Love,

Jami

Pictures, pictures, pictures and guess what? Pictures?

2005-05-21T04:58:00.000-07:00

I posted some more recent pictures. Actually taken within the last month since someone mentioned they thought they saw me just at a store or something and then I realized that I just had those pictures with the braids and now I want them back.

Yes, I need to sleep but it's hard. My back is just terrible and I just want it to get better but I think now that I saw STAR WARS it has helped me to keep my mind off it.

SPOILER ALERT:

I just loved that fight with general grievious (sp?) and the four light sabers.

I am excited to death that Tarkin is in the film but only for maybe a few seconds. Unless he was in it one of the times I barely drifted off to sleep.

Don't make a big deal about it though because it was way past midnight and I hadn't and still haven't had a decent sleep in many days going on weeks.

Watching Yoda take the life force from Supreme Chancellor Pallpatine and turn him into the way the Emporer looks is just awesome.

The way Anakin kills Padme with his thoughts (although unknowing I believe) is sad and still awesome.

The silence between Padme and Anakin is one of my husbands favorite scenes and I definately have to agree.

Although hearing James Earl Jones' voice at the end is the saddest part because it makes me realize every movie is over. Completed. No longer. Finished. Done.

It still hasn't completely sunk in so I guess I'll be somewhat happy for a while. I plan on seeing it every chance I get so that sick of it. Although there is no power on this planet or any other or even any other solar system that could do that I think.

And its positively true. Jar-Jar has NO SPEAKING PARTS AT ALL in this movie. He might actually be in the movie for less than five minutes.

Well, I can't post anymore for now but after a while I am going to post my extremely long and well deserved review of what might be my favorite move of all time. Then tomorrow or the next day I'll post some personal things so I can get my venting out.

Love STAR WARS style,

Jami

- M.W.

2005-05-21T04:50:00.000-07:00

This me trying to take a picture of me with a fuzzy lens. I think it got wet or steamed on?

2005-05-21T04:49:00.000-07:00

Washed hair so here's what I'm looking like these days. Sort of.

2005-05-21T04:48:00.000-07:00

Braids be gone!

2005-05-21T04:46:00.001-07:00

But the tiredness wins.

2005-05-21T04:46:00.000-07:00

Food good!

2005-05-21T04:45:00.000-07:00

Tired but still hungry

I saw STAR WARS and am amazingly not sad!

2005-05-20T00:26:00.000-07:00

It was a wonderful experience. No spoilers here just happy thoughts.

Even though it was super late and I was in a ton of pain it was worth it. I didn't want to see it at Lacey but my husband wanted to for nostalgia reasons. I think I'll like it even more when I'm in Lakewood or Yelm or somewhere I can sit and my back won't hurt so much so fast.

Everyone there was super nice and I had a fun time playing, well, trying to play pool at O'Blarney's with my husband while my daughter and brother-in-law waited in line for a little while for us. I think if my pain wasn't so terrible and I could bend better I would be a really good pool player.

Anyway, Star Wars answered all my questions and it did have the best fight scenes and musical score out of any of them. Including Empire.

I'm still pretty depressed about my recent mothers day fun but I'm trying hard to not be.

It's not like you can wake up and say "Okay, I'm not going to be depressed today" though.

Or "I think I'm not going to have pain today".

It just doesn't work like that, go figure. I have gotten to the point where I almost feel sorry for Alex and his girlfriend for not having a beautiful love that my husband and I have.

I could go on and on again because it's still driving me crazy that I can't find the words to say how much I love and worship my husband. He says he feels the same about me. But, I can't totally believe it.

I guess that's part of my pain and depression. I don't believe I deserve a wonderful person like him. I feel like another child he has to take care of and I hurt inside that I feel like I'm a burden to him. I just don't feel like I am the kind of person that people love. Especially now that I'm such a whore.

I was being sarcastic with that last sentence but still feel that way.

Okay, enough of my rambling. Star Wars has made my sadness slightly less so that's a sort of good thing.

WooHoo for Star Wars! I'm very sorry Padme :(

Love to all of you,

Jami White

- M.W.

I deleted a post.. (and what love really means tome)

2005-05-18T02:08:00.000-07:00

because it made me sound extremely negative. Not as if I haven't been for a while, at least a few posts anyway.

I was just angry that I was starting to feel better. Emotionally. Which in turn makes my pain not as big a deal. I'm not saying that my suffering, physically, is anywhere near coming to an end but the depression and high school crap that has seemed to engulf my mind and I can't shake it.

I said some things that made my best friend think I was mad at her. I felt just awful. It was a little funny because I thought I deleted it before she would see it, or much of anyone else for that matter. I was happy that she cared enough to call instead of worrying about it and stressing out for no reason at all.

I can say with all honesty that I would never get mad at her for any reason that I could possibly think of. And if for some odd reason I did I would never think for one minute to post it here instead of calling her or visiting her.

I am trying so hard to get over all this shit that seems to keep piling up and just adding to my already bad days but I have to admit it's hard.

My mother called me today and told me she kicked her "boyfriend" out of her house about a week and a half ago. I say boyfriend because they have been together almost 20 years. She just made it very hard to talk to her but now i'm going to have to think about her and how hard it is to do something like that after being with someone for so long and she seriously needs to talk about it.

I know I've talked some serious shit about her in the past but she made a big step by not only telling me what happened, sort of, but realizing that she doesn't know how to talk to people about her problems. She needs me right now and I feel very much obligated to help her through this. I have known my mom most my life but I've never really known her. In the same way she doesn't know me.

Why? She never could handle the truth and I'm all about honesty whether it's hurtful or not. I don't lie. Not like some assholes i know.

Okay, enough about him but the truth is my mom is not handling this well. I've never seen or heard her actually show being sad. At least not that I remember. I know she has because her mother died when I was young I guess I don't remember her being sad. She was probably just hiding her feelings and she told me today that she just doesn't know how to talk about her sadness and I need to help her. What the hell is that about?

She put me through some terrible times in my life and today she said she really needed to deal with this with someone she trusts. I kind of looked at her funny and said "you, trust me?" she said of course like the last 20 or so years haven't taken place.

But, I don't care about that and am really wanting to help her. She tried to say we need to go out and do something fun at least once a week and I called her on it and said no, we need to talk about what you're going to do now. She was a mess. I mean she was freaking out about not knowing how to even take the garbage out. I said that was bullshit. She did everything for me and my sister after my dad left us. She said she knows but it's just different now. So I am going to make an honest effort to help her get through this but am I just hiding my own depression?

I'm just still so upset about tht asshole Alex that has pretty much ruined my public life. That's pretty much a joke since I don't really have one. But, now, instead of being able to meet new people I'm going to be avoided because I am a boyfriend stealing nympho slut of a whore.

I also wanted to make something very clear. I may have an alternative way of living but I do not have an "open" relationship. I know this isn't easy for many people to understand but I did used to call it an open relationship it's just that I don't trust anyone except a couple of old friends to do anything sexual with at all. Not just because of my lamest night ever but my husband and I have had many talks about this subject and we just don't want anybody getting involved in our life. We have talked about this at least since I had my first child with him.

This town is just too small and I can't trust anyone, well, two people only, to keep their fucking mouth shuts. We also had a big talk about what was just pillow talk and what we actually want to do. Sexually. I'm not by any means judging people for having completely open relationships but I don't want to be known as one of those people anymore. I really never did.

I love my privacy and the only time anything fun has ever happened was when it was with people we've known and can always be friends with no matter what. And, the best part is they keep their fucking mouths shut. I know I will be judged for saying even that here but this is my diary so I don't really care. It's just that I have always had a child/children and they don't need people at their school (parents, teachers) that I am an unfit mother in any way.

Don't get me wrong I love my sex but right now I just want to be with my husband. We talked about love and how we've felt different lately. I have no words at all to explain it so I'll just say it like every other person tries to says it.

I LOVE MY HUSBAND SO MUCH THAT I HURT INSIDE. HE IS A PART OF MY LIFE AND I DON'T MEAN THAT WE ARE MARRIED. I MEAN, HE IS INSIDE ME ALWAYS AND WHEN WE'RE APART I YEARN FOR HIM. HE IS THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN MAKE ME FEEL SO HAPPY AND SO SAD AT THE SAME TIME. WE WERE MEANT FOR EACH OTHER. WITHOUT HIM I AM NO ONE. HIS SOUL IS PART OF ME AND NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS IN THE FURTURE OR HAPPENED IN THE PAST IS OF NO CONSIQUENCE. WE LOVE EACH OTHER SO DEEPLY OUR HEARTS ARE INTERTINED AND NEVER MEANT TO BE APART. I WOULD DO ANYTHING HE ASKED/ASKS OF ME. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH THAT I WOULD GIVE HIM MY HEART, BODY AND SOUL WITHOUT QUESTION.

I tried to figure out the other day what word was used for how we feel about each other. We agreed that it is so much more than love that the word "Love" is almost meaningless. We are in complete awe of each other, we both feel like we don't deserve one another, we have an endless passion that is still well alive after nine years this fall. We know when each other has a problem even if we are cities or even states apart. We are intwined within each others minds and souls, and yeah, lots of times bodies. We both feel guilty for having the kindest most mature lover out there that we want to share each other with certain people. Not the world just the ones we trust and can count on. We don't have a ton of common interests but because he likes something I do to. He said he felt exactly the same way of me. We have complete trust for each other and are very clear, to each other, what that means.

I honestly do not think I could live without him. Once I wanted him to find a new wife that was healthy and could take care of the family the way they deserved to be taken care of. He said he doesn't see me as a chore or that I am incapable of taking care of my family. I am very sad that he loves me so much he will put up with all my problems without thinking twice.

Even though I loved him from the moment I met him I knew he didn't feel the same way so I kept my feelings hidden for a very long time. He loves me and I still don't think I deserve him.

He is the kindest and most caring human being I know. He always gets me anything I need. Even if its completely stupid like a puzzle book or juice or anything I want so I can rest and not have to move my back. He understands that it's so hard for me to get in any sort of comfortable position at night. Sometimes I'm crying and he wakes up and takes care of me but I'm not crying out loud he says he just sensed it.

He keeps trying to convince me that he's just a normal man but to me he's my hero. I will never deserve him but I am ultimately positive that fate brought us together and even if he doesn't deserve me I know he loves me and will never let me go. Although if that is what I wanted he would in a second. We both would do whatever needs to be done to make the other one try and have a happy life. He is so remorseful about hurting Alex that he had me call and make sure he'd be alright. I mean really, what man beats you up because he was so mad that you called his wife a whore and then makes sure you'll be fine? My hero, that's who:::::::::::::

I could keep going on but I think I actually just fell asleep typing a second ago so I am done.

for now....

Also thank you for all of you who have given me kind words. It's nice to know that some people can be so kind to someone they've never met. I am trying and I'll write a new entry tomorrow about that so you know I won't be okay]]]]] (I left that in there on purpose because I totally just dozed off). And I'm completley losing my mind I think I meant will be okay but I'm tooloopy to go on,

I have so much more to say but my mind is sleepy an d I think at 3:30 am I shuld probably be asleep.

Love to you all and lets hope I sleep tonight.

Jami

- M.W.

I even suck at killing myself.

2005-05-15T17:09:00.000-07:00

My pain is so bad I can't take it anymore. I've thought of all the ways I could kill myself and then all the ways they could go wrong.

I hurt to much I couldn't shut the pilot light off in my oven let alone bend down for that long.

My veins suck and they "hide" when I try to cut them with a razor. So now I have this scratches on my wrist that are over the scars from previous attempts. I basically just wanted to see how deep I could get before I felt pain I couldn't handle. I'm not sure how deep that is because I kept going and going but the vein was moving so I couldn't get a good flow going.

I'm not strong enough to pierce an artery.

I am not allowed to buy a gun and I can't think of anyone that has one that would let me borrow it. I don't even know anyone well enough to get into their home to steal it. I won't use a hunting rifle because I don't want to make my face look different.

I have not a clue on how to hang myself without strangling. I could deal with the broken neck but since there is no promise that a neck breaking would happen I am not sure I would go that way.

I could jump off a bridge. This is almost definately what I will do if it gets bad enough. There is a bridge not even a mile from my home that would work. I know this would leave me looking, well, lets say not like me? So I would probably take pictures right before hand so my family could remember what I looked like on that day.

I could drive my car off something really high and hopefully deadly. That sounds like fun almost. Except the landing part. Plus my car is really safe. So, again, no promise of death.

Pills and vodka might work. I think about doing that a lot. I don't ever because I don't want to still be alive with a destroyed liver and have to live out my probably very, very long life in a hospital bed.

At this moment right now I want to go out and get the shit beat out of me. Unfortuneatly I am literally unable to walk. I am lucky if I make it to the bathroom. Yes, I've had some urine issues.

Like right now typing like this is causing me so much pain I might very well puke or pass out.

I hate my painful life. I really tried to focus on some of the good things but having this much pain for so much of my day every single fucking day is too much for me to handle. My husband will probably take me to the hospital. I'm not caring about it though. They've never helped me. I just don't want to go to the hospital because I could easily get committed and have to suffer this pain in a bed made out of plywood with a mattress that is a little bit softer than plywood. A shower that you have to use a stick to prop up because you can only use a minute of water at a time for fear of drowning. No shoelaces or strings longer than 6"? Can't remember.

All I know is that I will not ever go back there. If I think for one second my husband, family, doctor, friends are planning that I will jump off that bridge or if that takes too long I'll try my upstairs second story window on straight cement.

So give it a rest guys. I'm not going to die today but I'm pretty fucking sad that I can't move or even lie still for a second without the most horrible pain ever.

Just because I don't look like I hurt really sucks. It sucks bad to the point that I want to fuck my self up worse. It's not enough that I can't feel the bottom left side of my body and have stabbing pain in my middle and lower back and the other leg and the parts of the left leg that still have feeling, its because my face looks somewhat pretty that how could I hurt? I must be a drama queen for feeling this way.

Fuck you

Trying to be happy. Will it ever work?

2005-05-14T16:20:00.000-07:00

Things that make me happy:

My husband
My children
Seeing M and the little one
Talking to people
Being in public
Motherhood (I know this is a big generalization but I'm not going into detail)
Ice Cream Drumsticks
Walking on sunny days
Star Wars

Things that make me sad:

Lies
Talking to people who have recently lied about me
Being afraid to go out, not facing these liars but just the chore of doing so
Yelling
Fighting
Pelvic exams
Three specific people that make me think sad things
Being paranoid
Losing at pool
Not being able to take care of my family

I'm folding clothes right now. I want to go have a beer but know it's not possible. I have some at home but it's just not the same. I like going out, having a couple of beers and playing pool with my husband.

For some reason the beer seems to relax my body more than taking a valium. I don't get it and I know I shouldn't drink at all but it's very rarely. I can't stay inside my house for weeks at a time without social contact.

I can't explain it correctly. I know some of the same people who are talking serious shit about me can be so polite and act like they think I don't know.

I think being told that I steal boyfriends and am a total whore just really hurt. Nobody even paid attention to me before so why when bad gossip happens people jump all over the band wagon?

I really want to try to focus on what makes me happy but it's not working.

I am honestly suicidal right now because women are always judged why men can be forgiven for anything. fuck you.

2005-05-09T22:35:00.000-07:00

Okay,

I started writing a post about how horribly my life sucks but since it was due to someone else and I was so pissed off I did a really stupid thing and posted it on a public forum.

I'm not saying it wasn't my fault. I'm saying that I am always 100% honest and am usually a very good judge of when other people aren't. So I used some bad judgement. Does that mean that I have to pay? I've had a complete asshole spreading it around to anyone that will listen that I am a whore and have the most fucked up lifestyle ever.

I used very bad judgement. I like to go out and feel attractive and flirt a bit sometimes. It increases my love for myself, which in turn increases my love for my husband. But this was just wrong. This guy, Alex, who has been telling these lies to people fucked me over ever way but sideways. For all you Olympians out there he works in the kitchen at the King Solomons Reef.

I like to go to the bar sometimes because I go out early and there is always someone to talk to. I've never had a problem before but I used the worst judgement ever. Alex made me feel special. He told me I was beautiful and he thought I was way younger than I was. Then he said to me over and over how much he wanted to fuck me. I told him I was married and he told me he had broke up with his girlfriend and was completely single.

I don't want to go into every detail but on mothers day my husband took me out and we were having a really, really, really great time. Until Alex's girlfriend sat down next to me at the bar. Yes his girlfriend who he apparently had the whole time. She said she knew what a whore I was because her boyfriend had told her that I came in one night and asked him to please fuck me. Alex told her that I was begging and that I wanted to fuck him in public but instead followed him home.

Fine, he lied, his girls problem not mine right? Nope, he'd covered his ass so well that he told this lovely story to anyone who might possibly talk to her so that if we ever talked she would think whatever I said was a lie because so many people could back up his story. He told her that I wanted to fuck him and let my husband watch.

It was at this point where things went extremely bad. My husband heard her call our relationship twisted and he started telling her what an asshole of a boyfriend he had. He yelled and pretty much told her to fuck off. I told him to calm down because I would handle this. I asked her what she wanted from me and she wanted to know what I knew. I wouldn't tell her very much other than Alex said he was broken up with his girlfriend and she of course called me names and kept saying she didn't like me. That's fine I said. I didn't go into detail because I wanted to try and find out what Alex had told her first. She wouldn't say because she obviously wanted me to admit to "stealing" her boyfriend because that's what whores do.

I asked her if she wanted to get violent over this and she said no. It wouldn't have mattered. I'm not in high school and don't play games like that. I'm too disabled to fight back so she would have gone to jail because I would have been forced to file a police report. I actually wanted her to hit me. I don't know exactly why. Maybe I thought I deserved it. I mean I did feel sorry for her that she was in love with such an asshole liar of a man. He hurt her and I did have some part to play in that.

I had finished my beer and my husband and I went home. I didn't stop crying the whole way because I realized that if I ever walk into that bar again I'm going to be very self conscious about being such a whore.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I, under normal circumstances don't give a fuck what people think of me. But, this is different. I really don't like being known as a whore. I hate that word and I am nowhere near deserving of being thought of as such a horrible label. Especially one that isn't true. Or is it true?

Am I a whore? Is that why this hurts so much? It totally sucked because my husband was talking to me about how we were going to go home and he was going to rub my body because I hurt so bad and we were going to have a nice time cuddling and loving each other. But all I could do was cry.

He asked me what I expected of him but I didn't know. I said I wish he would have said something to Alex about spreading lies/rumours about me while I was talking to his girlfriend. He then asked me if I wanted him to go back down there and defend my reputation and talk to Alex. I kind of whispered yes, and started to say but it's too late now. I was facing the other direction though and when I turned around he was gone.

I swear he was only gone 20 minutes at the most but it felt like 5. He came home and stood in the doorway of our bedroom all out of breath and very wide eyed. He said in a very scary voice "Well, I went back down there." It took me a minute to figure out that he had been in a fight.

My husband! He has never physically fought anyone in his entire life! He went back down to the reef and first tried to apologize to Alex's girlfriend for yelling at her but they both just said some stuff to him and tried to ignore him. My husband then said "Well your boyfriends a bitch." I think it might have sounded like he was calling her bitch because when I talked to the bartender he said my husband called her a bitch. I said no, he called Alex a bitch.

Anyway, Alex quickly turned and said what to my husband and my husband again said you're a bitch. I guess there was some shoving and the bartender yelled at them to stop it so Alex asked my husband if he wanted to go outside. My husband said yes and in the hallway Alex grabbed him and tried to put his thumbs in my husbands eyes. Geez, watch too many movies?

I guess they made it outside and all Alex did was keep trying to choke my husband and kick him in the balls while his girlfriend was attacking him and scratching him. My husband always managed to get the best of him though and push his girlfriend away without hitting or hurting her.

I asked my husband if he said anything to Alex so he knew why he was getting his asked kicked. He told me that he said why did you have to hurt my wife like that and something about why did you do that to my wife so if his girlfriend heard it definately sounded like I had sex with Alex. But that wasn't why my husband was kicking his ass. I know he got some good hits in because he gave Alex a bloody nose and my husband's knuckles were very red and swollen.

The reason my husband kicked his ass was because he was telling these lies about me and it made me cry and ruined our perfectly planned night.

I am definately a person who does not believe in fighting but even though I was scared for my husbands life I have a whole new respect for him. I used to be afraid that he wouldn't be able to protect me in a situation where someone was trying to hurt me. Like if someone broke into the house or was touching me and I couldn't defend myself.

But he not only managed to kick some ass with one hand but defend off the assholes girlfriend with the other hand without hitting her. He knew better than to hit a girl no matter what. She was scratching him and slapping him and he just pushed her aside while still punching Alex.

I mean really the only marks he had were on his knuckles from hitting alex's face and the nail scratches from the girl. I know she's a fighter but it's good to know she couldn't even hit my husband hard enough for him to feel it. He said it was just distracting because it was hard to not hurt her but fight Alex at the same time.

I'm just sad that it had to come to that. I mean my husband was just going to tell Alex how uncool it was that he was telling lies about me just so his girlfriend would believe him. How lame is that?

I am now known as a boyfriend stealing whore because of one lying asshole. It's such a double standard. People will automatically believe that I'm a whore because he said so when if I had said what a liar and woman user he was either nobody would believe me or nobody would care.

So, I decided that my husband and I are going back there because I think the only way for me to start healing my depression of being something I'm not is to show them, them meaning the assholes that believe Alex and his girlfriend, that I am not afraid. I am not going to let anyone prevent me from having fun with my husband or friends or anyone at all. Even if I want to go have a drink by myself than I'm going to do it. I probably won't go in the Reef just because it's not my normal bar but sometimes all the other places have bands or really loud music or are super crowded so if I want a beer or two then I'm going to. I am not afraid and don't need anyones permission to live my life.

I know it won't cure my depression but it will prove to me that I am not a whore no matter what anyone thinks. And what gives strangers the right to judge me without even knowing me? Why is it so important to have this drama? Women sure get shit on in this town. Probably lots of others but this town is so small that it sucks to be paranoid that people are talking about you in a rude way for absolutely no reason.

I know things can't be re done but I do wish this had not happened. All I ever wanted in my life since I was very young was a happy marriage and a sweet family. I have all those things but sometimes I need to get away. It's hard being super mom and my body is too destroyed to do it without a break. Unfortuneately it's extremely rare that we have someone to watch the boys so my husband and I can go out together. But if I can't take it then I do go out alone. It's never been a big deal before so I'm not going to or at least not try to let one stupid incident make me change how I live.

Yes, my family always comes first, and I've only rambled on about this because it did hurt me so much and make me feel like a bad wife and mother. Because of on asshole I feel like I should die because how can I be a good person if I drink a beer or rum once in a while?

Double standards. Girls are whores for talking or flirting and men are ignored or not cared about no matter what they do. If I was a man in this situation then I would probably just be teased for getting in a fight because of some whore. God I really hate that word.

I know at least two girls that this has happened to and at the time for at least one of them I felt so sorry because all she did was what she wanted. She was judged by everyone and talked about like it was Brad and Jen's divorce. But did people talk about the man? Nope. At least not in a horrible way. More of just a teasing way and saying things like yeah, that's how he is she should have known better. Why didn't he have to know better?

I can't even have sex with my husband anymore because I feel guilty for ruining our happy family or what people thought about us, me and him. Our private business should not be talked about by anyone but us. We are the judge of what is right and what is wrong in our relationship. I don't care if you believe or not by what you've heard but it doesn't matter. I don't judge your relationships. Yes it's true sometimes I find myself talking about other people with my best friend but I never just start telling people what I think of other people just so they get the wrong idea.

Honesty is the only rule I know how to live by. Some people think it's better to lie than to be honest but no matter how much the truth hurts finding out that you've been lied about or to later on is far more hurtful because people have spread rumours around and not told the person they are talking about.

I am just so sick of women being treated like this. I think lots of women hate me because I'm so much prettier than they are and they are threatened by me. I can't help the way I look. I often go out in jeans and tees or sweaters and rarely dress up unless I feel like having fun with clothes. Not to be a whore or pick up guys.

I know I haven't been clear with all this so I hope you got the idea I was trying to talk about. And men, please try to be more sensitive to womens feelings and know that calling her names and flat out lying about her to many people that gets spread to many more people is so hurtful. I actually have been thinking about suicide for the past couple of days because of this. It hurts so much inside and I can't even explain.

I love you husband,

Jami

Alone and awake again.

2005-05-07T23:59:00.000-07:00

My husband is out tonight. I've been trying to encourage him for while to go out and have some fun.

I'm in my bed with my baby and my four year old and the fourteen year old is upstairs watching Thursdays O.C. but I still feel pretty lonely.

I hate it that I can't sleep without him near me. Since he started his new company I've been super stressed and not sleeping at all. But last night after the great sex I fell asleep on my husband and didn't wake up until after 10am. I only woke up then because he said he had been up since 3am trying to make the kids sleep. I guess our oldest boy kept poking and kicking him and if he moved to try and set the baby down correctly he'd just wake up and cry again.

I know I won't sleep until he comes home and I promised not to call him so I won't. I really think he desrves to be left alone to just have fun and not worrying about taking care of the kids and myself. So it's completely worth it to have one more sleepless night.

Well, the kids made a quarter today. Not bad for my mouth for a whole day!

Weird. Just now I think I had a dream. I closed my eyes and my husband told me his back hurt just below his shoulder. I reached up to massage it but then realized I was sitting here typing on my compuuter.

When I opened this I actually had an important thought that I meant to interpret in this entry but as soon as I opened up my browser it disappeared.

Yeah, I'm insanely loopy so I'm going to try and lay down even if I can't sleep.

I love you sweetie.

To you with all the love in my soul. I love you so much it hurts to be this lonely even knowing that you'll be home tonight. I mean it feels the same as when you or I go to California and we're apart for several days. I know how much you love me and I never want that to go away.

Oh, and I hope you don't come home or worry about us because I had both kids asleep by 10:30.

I'm kind of proud of that. Although I did cheat and order Pizza for them. I still fed the baby some peas and squash mixed with applesauce and rice cereal in both meals. I actually felt like a decent mother for a few hours. Although Mariah did help a lot. And she didn't complain at all.

you guys are all sorts of sweet.

With love from my entire soul,

Your wife and mother of your children Jami

Jami

Another night of all night sex.

2005-05-07T16:33:00.000-07:00

What the fuck is wrong with me?

I think it's out of my system for the time being. I guess I wasn't feeling sexy enough so I had to prove that I was. I feel completely validated that I can say I am sexy. So now that I feel sexy again I don't have this huge urge to have sex. If you think about it it really does make sense.

M came over yesterday and we had a really nice walk. It was perfect weather. Very warm, almost hot and a nice breeze. I feel a little guilty because I say fuck a lot. I am going to try really hard to be more careful because not only do I have my kids (who reprimand me for cussing) but my baby hasn't gone through that yet and I DEFINATELY do not want to make her not come see me because of my mouth. I would feel soooooo terribly guilty if I was the person that she first copied that word from.

So from now on every time I say that word in my house I'll put 25 cents in a jar for my baby and 25 cents in a jar for her baby. That should work because I really like quarters. Not pennies or even dimes but quarters. Shiny!

I was feeling so stressed out and frustrated yesterday and I hate it when it shows when I have guests over. I also feel really guilty because my problems are nothing. I think I even actually complained about my husband making money. It was more of the fact that he has to do all these contracts and got some new ones but he still hasn't been paid. But he will get paid a lot when he does and I feel like that is really a trivial thing to stress about. I mean I just don't have the energy to budget for this money but most of the people I know actually have real money problems or not problems but certainly a much harder time than I do.

I just felt like a really rude and inconsiderate person yesterday. I also was venting about this Mom's club thing that I think I've mentioned before.

Mostly that has to do with the fact that I've had a child since I was 17 and I still feel like I'm being judged for that to this day. I hate it when people ask how old my kids are because I don't want to lie. But, I almost always get some weird look or people saying "You don't look like you could have a 14 year old!" And then I lie about my age and say I had her when I was 19 or 20. And I haven't even done that in a very long time because I wasn't consistent in my lying so people pretty much knew.

I just really got so much shit from people about it. Or they always want to talk about what it was like. Like it was any different than having a baby at 25? Same deal. Still had to be the best parent I could and anyone that knows my kids can tell you that I am a great mother. I think my daughter is turning out just perfect. I mean, I do things that so many moms don't. Like talk to her about sex and drugs in a real way not just a "Don't do it because it's bad" way.

Then finally there is this whole social thing. I'm not a very social person but I want to be. I just feel an insane amount of panic when I think about being in a large room of mothers who might judge me.

I guess it's kind of a contradiction because I don't care one bit what anyone thinks of me as a person and I live my life any way I choose. But, I really care what people think of me as a mother. Is that even normal? I just don't know what normal is when it comes to raising children. I won't say that I never judge anyone for the way they parent but I try not to. It's only when it's very obvious that abuse or neglect or things like that are probably happening. But I still can't tell someone how to parent and never would unless asked.

I guess my true, honest feeling is that if you're child is happy and has food and a home and clothes than you've already done a damn good job. We all get frustrated with our kids at times but it's different than abuse. I'll admit there were times, mostly with my daughter, that I wanted to hit or scream or just leave. But I had/have the common sense to just chill out and love them no matter what.

I panic a lot and have really stupid fits where I destroy things in the house for no reason whatsoever. Like the prime example is I can't find something and it drives me insane until I'm tearing the house apart for something stupid like a can of soup.

My daughter and I talked about this when she was about three, probably close to four, and we had a plan that she mostly thought up but it was like this: She would say to me "Mommy, you're acting crazy and scaring me. Please stop doing that now." And those words were like a magic spell. Instantly I realized I was making my daughter feel uncomfortable or scared and automatically would just stop. Then we would hug and she would make fun of how silly I was being.

I know that sounds worse than it is but I spent close to three years with my daughter in a house where often not a single person was around. We've never not talked to each other.

Now that she's a teenager she has her moments when she's obviously upset or sad and I ask her whats wrong and the drama starts and she just wants to be left alone. I usually ask her a couple more times to try and talk and then she stays in her room for a while. Sometimes longer than others. But, every time, she has waited until she was ready and come downstairs usually laying next to me in my bed and told me what was bothering her. Not once has she never talked to me.

I think the key to why this works is because she trusts me. I don't ever lie to her and she's always told me the truth. She trusts me and knows that I will always be here to help her. And most of the time I do. If it's school I help her come up with a plan that will help raise her grades. Or if it's a boy problem I listen and give honest advice or comments even when I don't like hearing everything. But, I know eventually she's going to have sex and I think I'm doing a good job at making her wait. Not making, but she says her choice is to stay abstinent. So far. I tell her there is going to be a time, maybe sooner, maybe later, that she is going to really want to and I tell her that although I wouldn't be happy if she didn't wait until she was older, I told her that I wouldn't be mad either.

So far it seems to work. I know there are skeptics out there probably thinking she's lying to me but I don't think I've given her any reason to. She's told me when she's made out with a boy and some other stuff too (no, not oral sex or penetration of any kind) so I am almost 100% sure that I can count on her to trust me. I also know that there are some things she feels better talking to my husband about and I told her thats fine. She also has an Aunt that shares my morals and values that she talks to. So I've made it very clear that if she really feels that there are things she can't tell me that at least she'll talk to someone and I won't be hurt or mad and I've never asked her what they talked about. Sometimes my husband starts to tell me and tell him to not. That way she'll trust him as well.

She's the best daughter and I can only hope that my sons turn out just as well.

So yeah, I wear rock tees and often mess around with my makeup to make it stand out. In a good way not a clown way. I listen to punk and metal and have even gotten her to appreciate that everyone has a different taste in music and pretty much everything in life. People are very different.

I think she's one of the maybe three or four people that I know don't judge. I'm sure she might to some extent feel jealousy at different at times and I know that people have hurt her feelings for judging her but she's never judged back. She is so unique. I love her so much.

Also, to end this big rambling I just wanted to thank my friend M for pretty much always being their for me and myfamily. I've lost touch with almost every other friend I've had and it really makes me appreciate her. I cried yesterday because I keep thinking that one if our spouses got a job somewhere or we did that I honestly don't know what I'd do without her. Life would not be the same ever again. I want to be friends when we're all old and have white hair and remember all the fun we've had together. I love you girl. I'm sorry I got so sad yesterday about the fact that I can't just walk to your house. I know that even that we aren't neighbors anymore that I know you will always be there for me. I hope you know that you can trust that I would never do anything to hurt you. And no matter how silly our problems are I am grateful that we can talk to each other about them and get our feelings out there and laugh at ourselves when it helps and cry if that helps. I know that doesn' t happen that often if ever.

I miss you when you don't come by for more than a couple of days. When, if ever, I feel better I promise to try to make more of an effort to go to your house. I will in a second if you ever need me right away. Even if it's raining and dark.

I'm so happy right now that I have you. I'm happy that I have what I think of as the almost perfect punk family.

I love all you guys,

Jami

- M.W.

It's 5:25 AM and I'm awake. Still.

2005-05-06T05:28:00.000-07:00

I got a couple hours sleep after my shots but then we went out to eat dinner and I haven't slept since. Today is going to suck big time. But, I so don't care. Why you ask me? Because

I JUST HAD THE MOST AWESOME NIGHT OF SEX IN AT LEAST TWO YEARS!!!!!

My husband is so hot and sexy that I sometimes get jealous. I can't explain it though. He asked me why do I find him attractive. A question that he has asked me several times before.

The answer is simple. He is not only super cute and sweet but he is also funny and creative and can make women feel special and beautiful.

I should have slept all night but I couldn't help it. He was there, wanting me. I felt loved and needed and sexy and beautiful. Which I really needed.

I made one mistake though. We asked each other if we didn't know each other and saw one another if we'd find the other one attractive. He answered correctly by telling me of course. I chose the wrong answer and said he should probably dress a little better if he wanted to pick up a girl. Like wear slacks and a nice shirt.

Ooops. Way wrong to answer like that. I misunderstood and thought he was asking for advice on how to be more attractive. He really just needed to hear that he was sexy enough for any girl. It would have given him more confidence. He's perfect the way he is.

When we first met he came to my friends house who was also his friend and when he walked in the door I got those tingly feelings in my tummy. He was wearing a suit and tie and had a really manly sexy face with a little bit of stubble and the perfect hair cut.

I love him so much and often dream of him being with other women. Not that I need for that to happen I just get so turned on by thinking of him having sex with another woman and then coming home and giving me the details. I used to think this was bad thinking but it's not. I feel completely comfortable with it. I often think about it while masturbating.

He's the kind of man who is really funny and can flirt super well. It's like a skill he should put on his resume. He knows exactly what to say to make a woman feel sexy inside. I mean he is already hot and cute on the outside but the fact that he's incredibly smart and not shy and very respectful towards women he meets for the first time is a big turn on. If a woman turned him down it would have to be because she knows he's married or she has a man of her own.

I honestly think, though, that he could have just about anyone he wants. He knows how to turn on the charm in a big way and I love it.

We had so much sex tonight that I am still thinking about it. I love it when he talks about previous girlfriends and their sexual activities or even the one night stands. I love to think about him giving oral to a woman because I've never met any man that could finish me with his tongue other than my man. I mean their have been since but not before. He's the best and I've even wager on it.

I guess it's a little sick that I really want my husband to find a "one night stand or an understanding woman" but I really do.

We did everything tonight. I won't go into all the details but I'm satisfied in every possible way and I even satisfied him. Twice. Which is amazing in itself because he's usually the one time a night guy.

I know I'm going to hurt like hell today but it was worth it. We haven't had a good night of love making since I can't remember when. And then we even cuddled. That was awesome because he's not a big cuddle snuggle guy. We spoon a lot but I'm usually facing his back. But not this time. We snuggled and carressed each other and just realized how much we would hurt if one of us wasn't around.

I know he'll be grumpy when the baby wakes up but I'm going to do my best to make sure he gets some quality alone time.

It really sucks because I hurt so bad and the pain of sex is starting to sink in. I wouldn't have changed this day/night for anything.

I will always love my sweetie and I'm 99.9% sure he'll always love and take care of me. Even if we ended up apart he would still take care of me.

I'm happy and feel lucky to have him. Especially right now while he lays sleeping next to me while I type this.

I honestly don't think I could ever fall in love with another man ever again.

I love you with all my heart,

Jami

- M.W.

The sorry state of me

Yes, I'm completely addicted

I guess I shouldn't be such a whiny bitch...

Why didn't my husband record er while I was "away"?

POST PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITALIZATION STRESS

Started group last week and I'm scared.

Would getting a divorce really solve my problems?

Strange and nothing all at the same time

Tired of all this ....life

I think I'm boring.

I'm pretty lame and yes, I do know it.

"Boys are defective girls."

Less depressed but more anxious and ill today.

I am not sure why I feel the way I do

Shanon, I think she knows.

Goodbye to everything I know ....

Is it awful I'm so mad at other parents?

Paranoia and too much overthinking

It's the search engine time again.

When i dream i see

Thank you!

Rules, rape, suicide and love.

Sometimes death seems beautiful

Love with a side of trust.

Yeah, I went to San Diego again

I know, I know, suicide is so selfish.

Doing better

Will I ever want to live again?

what if

Yippeee! I'm thinking about doing something REALLY stupid.

Snow

Is it even winter yet?

In this desperate time of need...

Why can't people just shutup or attempt to understand?

Just frustrated and a bit sad.

Lyrics like this made us punk

another day on the slow train of death

Goals!

Weird searches last month

Ambition?

Steak pizza must die!

Up Too Late Again. **SERENITY SPOILERS** (barely though but if you want to watch don't read the last few paragraphs.)

Could it be that I feel okay today?

Glasses rule!

Thank you Billie Joe.

Cleaned up toys about three times today.

Tired and I just don't understand why.

Happy right now I am.

Spent the day in Portland at OHSU or whatever it's called.

My husband doesn't understand me or my motives.

Babies are not what I want to be doing today.

Driving.

Feeling so very old.

Negative.

I'm not pregnant but not sure I'm healthy.

Happy Birthday

Can't make anybody even my husband happy.

I sure can talk good talk.

Not happy.

The Admiral turns 1 year old today! I'm happy!

Since that last post was so long...

I have the power and I need to remember that.

Why am I such a fuck up?

Insincerity at it's best.

Okie Dokie

Money troubles gone for awhile I hope.

Wow, it's been 12 days since I've written?

I love you Shanon.

No novacaine. Sweet.

How come feelings are so uncontroblable?

Today is Thursday right?

I really, really want to leave this place.

Can we get out of this place?

Bronchitis.

Saw it again and yes it's still amazing.

I'm really sad that I didn't get high school stuff.

Still sick but not as bad.

105 fever.

Pictures, pictures, pictures and guess what? Pictures?

I saw STAR WARS and am amazingly not sad!

Up Too Late Again. SERENITY SPOILERS (barely though but if you want to watch don't read the last few paragraphs.)